Cafcass

[Birchtree1]

I am having appointment with Cafcass tomorrow. Prior to our court hearing re child access in a couple of weeks.
I am terrified. Don't really know what to expect.
My solicitor has given me some tips.
I am so scared of their report and questions and the court date.
I a nut shell I was emotionally abused for years. The kids were emotionally and at times physically abused.
I finally picked up the courage to end things.
I have a none molestation undertakings in place ( he agreed to it while not admitting any guilt) next step down from an 'order'.
I self referred to social services as while ago ( they were involved preciously due to the abuse and deemed me a good parent who meets the needs of our kids)
He has lied to my solicitor, social services and the court.
I can prove some of the lies but not all of them.
I am asking for supervised in person contact only. One child speaks on the phone to their father a lot, the younger child mostly doesn't want to speak to him. Both older primary age.
What do I do? How do I make sure they believe me? What should I say/ shouldn't I say?
Solicitor said main thing was to be confident and not apologise all the time ( which ido a lot) if I say something.
Anybody able to help me, reassure me, tell me what it's like?
Thanks!

Write notes. Highlight any key words or facts.
I would suggest tips I used to pass a driving test - 2 paracetamol to keep your temp down and a Mars for an energy boost.
Stay focused.
Facts.
Try and keep your emotions out of it.
Remember what you are saying is true. Once on that stand he will falter ime..
Most important remember you are doing this for your dc. Don't hold anything back because you worry he will get into trouble /be mad at you.
You got this.

Be open. Be honest. I had a good experience with cafcass and they supported my position. I truly think being totally open about the good the bad the ugly is the only way to do it. You will be ok, they know it’s uncomfortable. Good luck

@Buscake glad to hear about your good experience.
He has accused me of all sorts. Horrible stuff.
My solicitor says I will be fine. I have a list of points to raise.
Also social services seem to be on my side ( i guess more the kids side)
It is so hard to come out of a relationship like this and having to fight so hard for the kids. I am worn out and sad for what wasn't to be and tried hard for an amicable split.

You will get through this. It feels unending and that the professionals will side with him, but they will side with the evidence and the children’s views. If you align with the children you will feel validated. I had extensive social services input and this really helped me - they saw the reality and this means they also saw what I was put through by him. One step at a time, this is the process to become free. You are going to get there

Feel for you and understand the worry and stress.
Every point you make, link it back to how it affects the kids. Take notes with you with most important things first.
I have a positive experience with cafcass abd Family Court overall, and I was petrified every step of the way.
If you do forget something during your meeting, you can send a short email after. I also took evidence such a messages to show the awful coparenting relationship we had and how it negatively affects the kids.
Wishing you luck and remember to take a deep breath, you can do this.

Admittedly I have no experience but

If one of the things you are asking for is no telephone contact and your eldest phones him alot, if I was cafcass I would want to know why you want this to stop. So why are the phone calls a problem currently? Do they upset dc? Make them feel guilty? Impact their behaviour

@1willgetthere
Yes, they are upsetting both children. Father is also supposed 5o only call 3 times a week. My eldest has missed his school bus twice this year already due to a phone call in the morning. This then is a 1 hour round trip for me and I can only do this on a day I am not working.
Also I am not asking for no telephone/ video call contact.
And also eldest child has had a black eye and bruises due to their father. Which is why we are where we are.
And yes, they impact their behaviour and they upset the younger child.

We were coirt ordered after the first date to have phone calls, 3 a week. I documented how they weren't working for the kids. Kids weren't engaging, what i had done to support they setting up an activity or toys nearby, rushing to get dinner ready, kids didn't want to do then abd woukd be upset, and no flexibility with time from dad [if dinner was taking the kids longer to eat by 5 mins he would kick off) Dad complained that apparently I was allowing them to watch the tv, they weren't long enough, that I was interrupting, etc. The court agreed with me they shouldn't continue, he was fuming. He thought he would complain about me, try to pull the alienation story and somehow get daily calls. Backfired.

I do think calls aren't good for kids with high conflict coparents. It prevents the having a safe space, the HC parent doesn't reciprocate, kids never get a break from the HC parent.

Tbh honest calls even with parents on good terms or not separated are not always great, let alone in a situation like this.

just keep everything child centred explaining the impact it has on them, not you

Long time ago for me but I found my cafcass officer to be great. I couldn’t afford a solicitor so represented myself. I’d kept a detailed diary (which I’d also submitted to his solicitor and the court in advance so in no way could I have been accused of a last minute attempt to sabotage his case). I met my officer just before the hearing; she was very reassuring and said that everything I’d said and done was in the interests of my dc. She also reassured me that they are very used to dealing with fathers who are out to manipulate and control their ex partners and that they could spot the signs a mile off. She even went so far as to tell me that most fathers who put the mothers (and main careers of their DCs) through the stress of court aren’t doing it for the DCs so lose interest afterwards. At the time, she said the statistics were that most fathers had dropped out after 4 years. Sure enough, I went in to the hearing, it happened as she predicted, the judge told my exh to stick to the agreed contact arrangements we already had as they were a) reasonable and b) about the DCs best interests and suggested he apologised to me. He lasted about 18months before he disappeared completely.
Their job is to protect the interests of the children. As long as that’s what you’ve been doing too, they’ll be supportive and reassuring. Good luck!