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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband of 20 years left

14 replies

froggola · 26/09/2025 14:19

I’m in shock. I’ve not eaten in days. I’ve not washed and am not functioning properly. I desperately want him to stay and have begged, told him I’d change. I’m humiliated and broken. I can’t imagine how my life will be..I feel life vomiting and he’s just steadfast and reflective, he’s sure he’s reached the end of the road. I know we had problems. As I see it he was moody and critical and distant. I protested by withdrawing, complaining and being distant myself. I don’t know what I want from this post but the pain i’m in is unbearable

OP posts:

pinkduckk · 26/09/2025 18:25

Didn't want to read and run. This happened to me a year ago...I was in a similar state. MUCH better now. Altho parts are still horrific. Do you have kids?

Nagpuss · 26/09/2025 18:27

What a horrible situation.

Is the moodiness recent or has it been growing for years?

If your relationship has been deteriorating for a long time, perhaps the shock is simply that you never thought he’d really take the step of leaving.

It is a good idea to tell someone in real life - is there someone you trust who could come round and provide some comfort?

The pain won’t diminish for a while, but soon you’ll feel angry at how horrible he has been. And anger is something you can work with.

Has he actually left the home? Do you know to in’s and outs of your family finances?

FrustratedOldLady · 26/09/2025 22:56

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.
Is it him you’re sad about though or the loss of being in a relationship/stability?
It sounds like it’s not been right for a while. If he’s not interested in counselling or reconciliation you need to start formulating a plan.
Speak to a solicitor to find out where you stand. Has he moved out? Are there children involved?

Whatachliche · 26/09/2025 23:49

read vicky starke book runaway husbands - it will help, I promise. you are not alone, things will get better

pinkduckk · 27/09/2025 08:20

How are you doing @froggola?

NewLife4me72 · 27/09/2025 21:40

The exact same thing happened to me in Nov 24, after 19 years. It was out of the blue, no sign he wasn’t happy, I was oblivious. He turned into a cold angry hostile person overnight. I was and still am devastated that he’s breaking up our family, it was hard at first to accept, but ultimately realised I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I deserve better. It gets easier and looking back now I see there were vague signs he wasn’t happy and was distancing from me. I don’t know if there is someone else and I don’t really care. I want to finalise the divorce and move on now. Hang in there, it will get better. X

PashaMinaMio · 27/09/2025 21:51

Those of us who have experienced a “discard” will all tell you it will get better. It really will.

It can’t be hurried, the pain does soften and all you can do is keep on keeping on. Recovery can take absolutely ages and some of us never really do recover but we try to put it behind us and cultivate new solo experiences. Exercise does help, big time.

Stop the begging and crying. Get tough, see a solicitor and keep yourself really busy which will help you sleep at night.

Theres plenty of stories on MN from partners who’ve been through what you’re going through. Keep the faith and keep moving forward.

Go take a shower now! Wash that man right outa your hair! 💐

Wolbutter · 27/09/2025 22:10

This happened to me.. I think it's about 5 months now. Such a shock, he just seemed to decide he wanted to start life again. I'm coming round to the idea I'm better off but that comes with the pain/ feeling stupid that I have been wasting years on him. But there is good to be found in being single, I promise. There are still bad days but they are more manageable now. See your friends as much as you can, don't do stuff you don't like, exercise and getting outside really does help, go easy on the wine.

Original poster

froggola · 28/09/2025 08:18

3 children. I have no idea about finances and no way to accessing documents documents. He’s not answering my calls and the devastation is overwhelming. I’ve lived in his orbit for 20 years.

OP posts:

CharSiu · 28/09/2025 08:54

Same happened to a friend, she was with him for 30 years. I was straight round there giving support. Do you have any friend you can talk to. See a solicitor and look at a benefits calculator, look at the practical side. It’s going to give you a focus my friend became angry and in a way it was more helpful as she could then focus.

101WaysToFail · 28/09/2025 09:04

Do you suspect an affair OP?

NewLife4me72 · 28/09/2025 11:17

Give yourself time to breathe, you are still in shock. Try to remember how strong you are. Make a list of everything you need to know, finances, income snd outgoings, research on value of house, pensions and think about what you want next. Start going out for long walks to calm and centre yourself. I started doing a meditation class once a week to try to stay calm and focused. Remember how strong you are. Try to look forward to the future. This is hard, but you can and will do this and come out the other side.

Original poster

froggola · 28/09/2025 14:40

I don’t suspect affair but he must have something lined up.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 28/09/2025 15:10

It’s not always the case he has something lined up despite the narrative on here.

it’s possible he just wants out of the marriage and has probably been thinking it through fir a while. Perhaps waiting till the children are a certain age ? You’re in shock but you will get through it

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