If you got married again after divorce

[Joni234]

I am divorced and on good terms with my ex as we co-parent.
I also have a long-term partner who has never been married before. I know in his mind he would like to get married at some point but he isn't pushing the issue at all.

The question I have is, if you got married again, how did you get your head around it? I recently went to a wedding and watching people say their vows to each other was really difficult. How can you say those lifelong vows, knowing you already made them once and it didn't work out? Do you just get to a point where it makes sense?

I love my partner and I am all-in for our relationship, but I find the idea of marriage less meaningful than I used to, maybe I have become cynical.

It would be helpful to hear anyone else's experiences if you are happy to share 🙂

If you get married in a register office, you don't have to make any promises other than the legal formalities ie you understand what it means and neither of you is married already. You can make whatever vows make sense to you two. That's an option for the ceremony. Maybe the harder part is working out what you actually think you are agreeing/promising though? That's the part I can't imagine getting my head round - think I'm going the happily single route myself! Good luck to you though.

I’m recently divorced, going through financials. I will get married again & will have no problem making the vowels as although it didn’t work out the first time I didn’t break the vowels, the ex did.

I did and like PP, exh broke his vows, I didn’t, so I didn’t even give it a thought. Second time marriage for me is sooooo much better than the first!

I honestly didn’t overthink it?
I was young and carefree the first time, it was a very low key ‘cool’ wedding (I wore a very colourful mini dress!)
The second time I was mid 40s, my 2 children were a huge part of it so our vows were very different and all about us as a couple & family.
I wore a vintage wedding dress (it was white which I gave zero shits about!) and really enjoyed it being more ‘wedding’ like than the first.
Many of our guests had been to my first wedding but again I didn’t really give it much thought?

I'll be honest I won't get married again, but its more to do with financial loss than wedding vows. Marriage is just a legal contract tbh.

My thoughts on a second marriage would be in the legal and financial contract that it is.

I would not marry someone with fewer assets or savings than me.
I would not marry if I had assets that I wanted to leave to my Dc
I would look at the IHT situation and whether we needed it or not (most don’t)

I wouldn’t make myself financially vulnerable later in life, and where the issue of marriage protecting a woman who compromises her earnings for childcare is no longer relevant.

Thanks everyone - it's good to hear that people have found happiness in second marriages.

I think if my ex had destroyed our marriage I would probably feel like it was more straightforward to marry again. I initiated the divorce after years of struggling with our relationship when it wasn't working. In the end I gave up, when he wanted to carry on trying. On the other hand he failed me in all the years leading up to that. I feel like we both broke vows and we're both responsible for the divorce.
My new partner has never been married and I think he would want a fairly significant wedding rather than a quick registry thing.
and maybe I am taking it all with a pinch of salt - when he says I'll always be there for you, or I'll always love you, my mind just replies saying 'how could you possibly know that for sure?' and how can I know that about myself if I failed once already.
And as you have said I also have the financials and legals in the top of my mind. We have spoken. About this but I think we need to work through what we both think marriage would mean financially and legally.
Probably the mistake I made the first time was neither of us being clear in what we expected from the other person, I all the situations life can grow at you. When I bring up these things new partner says I am being negative and only expecting the worst to happen. Maybe I am?

You’re coming at it with the benefit of experience your partner doesn’t have. You know those vows can be broken, despite everyone’s best intentions on the wedding day. You know the heartbreak that can cause and are thinking through the meaning of marriage through the lens of divorce. He needs to recognise that marriage, for you, holds a different weight because you’ve been hurt before by someone you thought would always be there for you.

He can’t draw on experience he doesn’t have but should be prepared to listen to you. Equally you need to avoid tainting your current relationship with past experience. The reality is no one can absolutely know that their marriage will be “til death is do part”, because we can only control our own behaviours. I think going into another marriage means taking vows seriously while also holding them as an intention to love each other through thick and thin, to protect your marriage as far as possible while also knowing where your hard lines are and communicating them clearly, with the benefit of hindsight, because you know how easy it is for love to crumble in the face of daily life. He’s looking at marriage as the next step in your relationship, a romantic, idealistic thing - which is lovely in many ways. You’re looking at it as a relationship step that has legal, financial and emotional consequences - because it does. Neither of you are wrong, you just need to find a middle ground.

All good points @Jellycatspyjamas that is really helpful. Your point that I can only control my own actions and intentions going into marriage- maybe that is the problem. I need to seriously examine whether I feel like I can rely on myself. Part of that is definitely communicating hard lines, both for myself and him- something I didn't do properly the first time!

Same. If you are financially independent then I think marriage doesn’t benefit you. i don’t think marriage is good for women. I will never marry or co-habit again.

I felt on my second marriage that I really wanted to be married for the right reasons compared when I first got married because it was the right age and the right thing to do.

How far into this relationship are you, and how does it feel vs. this far into the first? I think I’d know by say 2-3 years in whether there was marriage potential although I’d have to know everything about him, family, mates, finances etc before I could risk marriage again.

My marriage cost me a lot too, especially as I was the one funding both our lifestyles mainly. I have a well paid job, he was also employed but didn't earn much. There was a lot of EA too. I don't want to get married again because I want to leave something behind for my daughter, which amounts to not much at the moment, so starting again at 47, I'm going to have to ssve up hard and try and work well into my sixties. If a second marriage fails, I would have to divide my tiny pot again, and for my daughter's sake I'm not going to risk it.

I'm open to a long term partner who has his own house and financial arrangements in place, but that's it.

I think many people confuse the wedding ceremony, a romantic event, with the modern marriage commitment.

Historically the institution of marriage evolved as a social and legal construct to provide protection for women and children. But it forced women and their children to be not just dependent on men but to be chattels of men. It meant the powers that be didn’t have to take responsibility for social welfare and security or give women freedoms.

The institution of marriage still provides many benefits for society and for women and children. Divorce also provides benefits for society, women and children. Both are now built on the principle of equal rights, equity and access to welfare support.

Feelings change, people change and compatibility changes. I wouldn’t want to get married to someone who didn’t understand and acknowledge this and who took romantic vows and declarations literally. No one can say they will love or even like someone for ever. You can still have a romantic ceremony with flowery declarations.

This is really interesting. In my first marriage we were together since age 20 and I knew from fairly early on I wanted to marry that person, have a family and build a life together. It was romantically driven as well as wanting kids. It was still more than five years together before we got engaged. Looking back, we had some difficult times in those early years that should have given me an indication of how things would be later on, but I ignored it thinking love would save the day.

I’ve been to a few second marriages now, my own was one, my first and his second. I’ve just asked him and he said ‘it was a lovely day and it didn’t feel weird doing it all again’. In only one case, where they had had a blatant affair that had hurt a lot of people, did I find it uncomfortable…and they split up shortly afterwards.

I love a wedding!