Changes to childcare without agreement

FatfunandADHD · 2025-09-25T06:44:25+00:00

In the below situation can someone confirm if as the childrens mother I can make the below decision or not. Divorced, two children, ages 9 and 11. At the time of the separation solicitors helped me to get majority time with my children term time and 50/50 school holidays. This was not court ordered it was agreed through solicitors. The children and my ex have always been unhappy with this and want 50/50. It gets brought up about every 3 months or so and I thus far have managed to kick it down the road a bit but I think im running out of road. Can I keep saying no and just wait for him to take me to court?

LoftyRobin · 25/09/2025 07:59

If the children want a different arrangement, why are you stopping them from having it?

HappyAsASandboy · 25/09/2025 08:31

There is nothing to stop you muddling along as you are until either your ex requests a CAO from the court, your ex just refuses to return your kids (without a CAO the police can’t help, you’d have to ask the court for a CAO), or your kids just decide where they’re going.

IMO you’re not going to help the relationship between you and your kids by ignoring their request for more time with their dad. “Kicking it down the road” without properly talking it through with them and listening to their reasons is the same as ignoring their request and feelings. I would expect that once they’re old enough to manage the logistics themselves they will spend more time with the parent that listens to them and works with them to find a way of living that supports them. Sounds like that might not be you.

Is your ex’s house local to you and/or the secondary school that the kids will go to? At secondary school the kids tend to start being able to get themselves home from school, and if they’re welcome at their dad’s house, and they want to be there, and they have a way of getting themselves there after school, you are going to have one hell of a fight trying to enforce an access schedule that nobody other than you wants. At that point a CAO would be the only way to “make” your children spend time at your house, and at secondary ages the court is going to ask the kids what they want to do. Even if you managed to get a CAO that stipulated the time you want with them, you’d still have a job making the kids obey it once they’re old enough to do what they like.

I would advise listening to your kids and working with them and your ex to agree a workable solution that puts your children’s needs first. Unless you think there is coercive abuse or “Disney dad parenting” going on, your kids wishes are likely to be broadly in line with their needs. If there is coercive abuse or “Disney dad parenting” going on, that needs talking through with your kids in an age appropriate way to support their wishes to come back in to line with their needs.

millymollymoomoo · 25/09/2025 08:36

Why are you objecting to something your children want ? Want is your reason ?

as mother you have no more rights than dad

Original poster

FatfunandADHD · 25/09/2025 11:20

LoftyRobin · 25/09/2025 07:59

If the children want a different arrangement, why are you stopping them from having it?

Because I raised the children more before the separation and did the majority of the homework with them. Their dad still doesnt always read with them every day.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2025 11:24

FatfunandADHD · 25/09/2025 11:20

Because I raised the children more before the separation and did the majority of the homework with them. Their dad still doesnt always read with them every day.

Show quote history

Is this real? He wants to do more now, they want to be with him more. And at their ages they can choose to read when they like.

They’ll go of their own accord when they’re old enough in not that long and you might wish you’d been reasonable about shared care if they choose to be with him full time.

Is it about money?

Original poster

FatfunandADHD · 25/09/2025 11:25

HappyAsASandboy · 25/09/2025 08:31

There is nothing to stop you muddling along as you are until either your ex requests a CAO from the court, your ex just refuses to return your kids (without a CAO the police can’t help, you’d have to ask the court for a CAO), or your kids just decide where they’re going.

IMO you’re not going to help the relationship between you and your kids by ignoring their request for more time with their dad. “Kicking it down the road” without properly talking it through with them and listening to their reasons is the same as ignoring their request and feelings. I would expect that once they’re old enough to manage the logistics themselves they will spend more time with the parent that listens to them and works with them to find a way of living that supports them. Sounds like that might not be you.

Is your ex’s house local to you and/or the secondary school that the kids will go to? At secondary school the kids tend to start being able to get themselves home from school, and if they’re welcome at their dad’s house, and they want to be there, and they have a way of getting themselves there after school, you are going to have one hell of a fight trying to enforce an access schedule that nobody other than you wants. At that point a CAO would be the only way to “make” your children spend time at your house, and at secondary ages the court is going to ask the kids what they want to do. Even if you managed to get a CAO that stipulated the time you want with them, you’d still have a job making the kids obey it once they’re old enough to do what they like.

I would advise listening to your kids and working with them and your ex to agree a workable solution that puts your children’s needs first. Unless you think there is coercive abuse or “Disney dad parenting” going on, your kids wishes are likely to be broadly in line with their needs. If there is coercive abuse or “Disney dad parenting” going on, that needs talking through with your kids in an age appropriate way to support their wishes to come back in to line with their needs.

Yes my ex lives within walking distance of my house and the childrens schools. They have before asked for extra nights with him, or once have refused to come back to mine but I have always talked them round to coming home.

I get a lot of CMS even though the split isnt very much, its remained at the highest number of nights with him before the next bracket. I dont think I could afford to keep my house without his payment.

Dad isn't a Disney dad but him and his fiance have more money so often do lots of fun and nice things with the children when they see them. He has gone away with work for a week or two before so I have used that lack of stability before to keep the children with me the majority of the time.

OP posts:

LoftyRobin · 25/09/2025 11:29

FatfunandADHD · 25/09/2025 11:20

Because I raised the children more before the separation and did the majority of the homework with them. Their dad still doesnt always read with them every day.

Show quote history

And?

If that really mattered. I could refuse to work so my partner has to and I can be there default parent. Then I leave him and say that he never did bedtime so I should have the kids the majority of the time and he should pay me to do that.

There's no law that says you have to read with your kids everyday.

HappyAsASandboy · 25/09/2025 11:31

I live with my husband and neither of us read with our 9-11 year olds every day! We didn’t when they were younger either, as life didn’t facilitate that!

If you can’t work with your ex and your kids to reach a compromise then either your ex will force a CAO for 50% (and will get it, if his worst crime is not reading with them daily), or he will withhold them to make you seek a CAO (then he’ll get 50% if he and the kids ask for it), or the kids will just go there once they’re old enough to get themselves there or ask dad for a lift.

Unfortunately, “I did all the work when they were younger” doesn’t hold any influence. If the kids are very small then there would be an argument for a slow transition from the main caregiver, but not if the kids are 9 and 11 and asking for 50:50!

Lookingforwardto2025 · 25/09/2025 11:33

Your 11 year old is already at an age where the court would listen to what they wanted and the 9 year old isn't far off. If I were you I would arrange a transition period during which you move into a house you can afford without CMS.

ThejoyofNC · 25/09/2025 11:34

Of course it's about the money.

Jellybunny56 · 25/09/2025 11:41

So you’re more bothered about your payment than you are about your children actually being happy? Great

HappyAsASandboy · 25/09/2025 11:43

If this is about money to keep the house, can you talk that through with your ex?

He may see the benefit to the children of you remaining in the house until they are grown up and be willing to keep CMS the same even if he has them 50:50? He also might say no, but you don’t know unless you ask.

Forcing your kids to spend more time with you against their will in order to keep CMS payments will only work until they can walk home to his house.

Find a way to discuss it properly before the kids make the choice and feel like you never listened to them. You’d lose the CMS and your kids affection if you let it get that far.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/09/2025 11:44

He’ll absolutely get 50/50 if he goes to court, if the kids also want this.

If you stand up and say you need the kids for the large CMS payments, so you can keep your house, you will rightly be slaughtered in court.

Kids don’t belong to their mother, any more than their father.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/09/2025 11:48

OP, based on your other posts, is this a reverse?

Zzz if it is.

HuskyNew · 25/09/2025 12:01

FatfunandADHD · 25/09/2025 11:25

Yes my ex lives within walking distance of my house and the childrens schools. They have before asked for extra nights with him, or once have refused to come back to mine but I have always talked them round to coming home.

I get a lot of CMS even though the split isnt very much, its remained at the highest number of nights with him before the next bracket. I dont think I could afford to keep my house without his payment.

Dad isn't a Disney dad but him and his fiance have more money so often do lots of fun and nice things with the children when they see them. He has gone away with work for a week or two before so I have used that lack of stability before to keep the children with me the majority of the time.

Show quote history

This is written like a reverse post.

if you are indeed the ex wanting 50:50 and can offer a stable & loving home then you can force the issue.

CagneyNYPD1 · 25/09/2025 12:16

Just in case this isn’t a reverse…be very careful @FatfunandADHDCarry on disregarding your dc’s feelings and you will end up with them moving into Dad’s full time at the earliest opportunity.

If it’s is a reverse, why?

Meadowfinch · 25/09/2025 12:22

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/09/2025 11:44

He’ll absolutely get 50/50 if he goes to court, if the kids also want this.

If you stand up and say you need the kids for the large CMS payments, so you can keep your house, you will rightly be slaughtered in court.

Kids don’t belong to their mother, any more than their father.

Edited

This.

I strongly suggest you find a less expensive house now OP, because you are denying what your children want, just to keep your house. They are approaching the age they can demand half their time with their dad, and there will be nothing you can do about it.

Time to stop seeing them as a cash cow.

millymollymoomoo · 25/09/2025 13:01

Then you are being totally unreasonable and are doing it for selfish and monetary reasons.

hopefully he’ll take you to court - where he’ll be awarded what he wants

TidyDancer · 25/09/2025 13:06

This stinks of reverse. Why would you do that OP?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/09/2025 13:09

This can’t be real, no parent would be open about being such a shit parent.

indoorplantqueen · 25/09/2025 13:54

Sorry but the reeks of you wanting to deny your children and your ex time with each other because of money. If you can’t afford to run your home then you need to work more or downsize. Your children will likely resent you if you continue down this route.

OneNewLeader · 25/09/2025 14:02

You don’t mention it, but is it because you’d be devastated to see them less? Do they give examples of why they’d like to be with their father equally? It feels sad that a child can’t spend time with a parent, unless that wouldn’t be in their long term and best interests?

LemonTT · 26/09/2025 08:43

Without a court order you can of course just ignore and not comply with what they want. Then they have to go to court and waste court time and spend money to get something you could just agree with.

The answer to the question as to whether they can just not comply and ignore what you want is the same.

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 07:51

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/09/2025 13:09

This can’t be real, no parent would be open about being such a shit parent.

Its not so much shit, but Ive worked with plenty of mums in my capacity as a midwife who really believe they have more legal rights over their baby than their husband and co-parent. They openly share their views and are shocked when professionals and even courts don't back them up.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/09/2025 09:11

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 07:51

Its not so much shit, but Ive worked with plenty of mums in my capacity as a midwife who really believe they have more legal rights over their baby than their husband and co-parent. They openly share their views and are shocked when professionals and even courts don't back them up.

Show quote history

She’s doing it for the CMS to afford her house though, using your kids for money and ignoring their wishes for it is a shitty parent in my opinion.