Advice on family home

[NewLife4me72]

My husband and I are divorcing (his choice) after 20 years, we have 3 children who we will 50/50 parent. He wants to keep the family home as it’s beside his parents and where he grew up. I don’t particularly want it as it’s remote with no public transportation and it’s beside his family, BUT it’s been the family home for 10 years , my fear is whether my children still think of it as their home and ever see my new house their home. They are ages 18,16, 14. Should I fight for family home that I don’t want, for this reason or will it work out. I feel like they will think I’m leaving them as well as the home, when this is his decision not mine.

No.

i left, he kept the house.

our kids have pretty much not been back since.

my son has stayed a couple of nights total (university) my DD has visited.

I wouldn't fight for something I didn't want. Your children are old enough to understand that your husband chose the divorce and that any resulting changes to living arrangements are a result of that choice. I would find somewhere new that ticks all of your boxes and represents a fresh start - by all means ask the children for their input, and I am sure you will be considering things such as proximity to schools and other amenities - the time your children spend with you will matter much more than where they spend it ultimately.

Honestly, if you don't like the house, move.
Your next home will only belong to you, that'll set the boundaries that your ExDH cannot enter as he pleases.
Where-as he will still see the current family home as his even if you take it over.

Go for the fresh start, and do the house up as you pleas!

At 18,16and ,14 I’d plan more round your future than there’s
a couple of years and there home will be just be a base or they may even of left

whilst you’ll be saddled with house next to ex in laws

was the agreement that you would 50/50 parent, he will try to take over with children to hurt me though. I think I can make a more loving home as while he will look after them and loved them he is not warm or loving to them and he is messy and the house will be a pig sty. I’m just full of fear that I’m going to end up alone.

Thanks, this is true my 18 year old is already in Uni, I’ve only 4 years left with them before they are all gone

I cut all ties and started again. I'm pleased I did, we moved to a new area.

My ex had put our family house on the market without me knowing…i wondered whose house was for sale, when I drove home from work and saw a sign at the top of our lane…

I can see your point too though and completely understand.
My ex and his OW wanted to buy me out. I said no. I very much felt like I would be the outsider, like life would continue the same for everyone else but me.

(my exact words were to him…”she has taken my husband, she isn't taking my home too!”).

The other issue is he can’t afford to buy me out, so it would need to be a deferred sale and I’d still be tied to him, while I could buy him out if I wanted but he would really resist that and other option is to sell. He’s king of that particular castle. I want to move on quickly now that the decision is made. But it would take time to sell maybe a year given location. It’s awful living with him. He’s somewhat pleasant but lots of passive aggressiveness and I feel like I’m an unwanted guest he has to put up with. I pay 3/4 of all expenses as he earns less.

Personally - i’d buckle up and force the sale,
if he cant afford to buy you out. As delaying will make it impossible for you to re-house properly now. And who knows where the economy is going, etc.

Toughen up, go through the process of divorce and let the house be sold.

If he can't afford to buy you out then you need to push for the house rto be sold as part of the divorce to release the equity so you can buy somewhere else

If he can’t buy you out, I would force the sale.
He chose the divorce, he can deal with the consequences.
I would stay there until it’s sold though, or he’ll be in no rush to sell. Do you still have to pay 3/4 of expenses if you’re divorcing? I’d double check that.
Bonus to this is both of you start afresh, so no concerns about kids favouring old family home.

Yes, the sale is better for me all round. Just feels like it will take forever.

Waiting for 4 years without being able to re-house properly - and then waiting for resale then will take for longer forever.
And what will the economy / market be like then?

I would be able to buy myself without proceeds of the family home but it will be a bigger mortgage initially than I’d want at my age. And I’m more tied to him for longer than I’d like.

Separate your finances asap. Force a sale on the house.

Ex kept house, family home for all of dd's life.

We had 50/50 til she went to high school and she chose to reduce it.

She call both houses home

Thanks for all your guidance. My head is spinning with this decision. It seems like from a conversation yesterday with him he’s going to claim he was primary caregiver and that’s why he should get the house. He wants to “take over” the mortgage and seems he wants me to walk away from the equity but this was his decision and while I do earn more and am in a career that is doing well he was never ambitious or wanted to do more than the bare minimum. I have been fully involved in the children’s lives and they have been in boarding school for last few years. Prior to that in the last few years of primary he did more of school runs and childcare (they were in school 9-3.30) as he was working for himself and had more flexibility but his business didn’t take off, but equally I had three maternity leaves during my career. It was give and take in my view. When all children went to boarding school I encouraged him to go back to work full time, which he didn’t really really want to do, but got a job quickly but only chose to do 4 days, no reason other than he wanted a 3 day weekend. Before they were in school we both worked and we had Creche and an au pair. He has had full access to my full salary until recently as it went into our joint account. I’m in Ireland and nobody in my friend group are divorced so I feel I’ve nobody to discuss this with. I feel like I’ve had the pressure of supporting us financially while still pulling my weight with the children and home, which of course I was fully happy to do, my children have always been my biggest priority. We are submitting our financial details atm then will go into mediation. I’m trying to think about what would be my ideal scenario ie best case outcome and then lease favourable outcome. Any further thoughts/ suggestions please.

I’m not familiar with Irish law.

in the uk primary caregiver in the past would cut no ice particularly as the children are now teens (and in fact one is an adult legally). Teens in the uk would have a choice about where they lived.

@Octavia64 my lawyer says that any agreement has to be “fair” to all. It’s a no fault system apparently. He’s spinning a tale about him being the primary caregiver but I’ve loads of actual evidence to the contrary. My big decision is whether I want to let him have the house in some way ie deferred sale or try to buy him out or get some equity from it and buy a new one and just let him have a house I dont really want, but realistically he can’t afford to buy me out. Selling will take a while as we are very rural and he loves this house and won’t want to sell. I dont want this to get nasty.

Op to use a pain analogy I think it’s about an intense pain that lasts a year for you to force him out or a dull ache that could last 5 or 6 with the last year of that being intense.

if you still have an interest in the house you’ll lose out if he fails to maintain it and it’ll be even harder to sell if he doesn’t clean or tidy it.

Ok. Well, if the kids are in uni/boarding school then any agreement on parenting is about the holidays only anyway. You may well find that the uni one comes back less and less frequently.

i’d ignore the “primary caregiver” thing - given one child is 18 and therefore not even considered a child in terms of maintenance etc and the other two are in boarding school that will be laughed out of court,

given that he can’t afford to buy you out I’d imagine he’s trying anything to get a better than 50:50 split as otherwise he can’t keep the house,

in your shoes I’d be tempted to move out, buy somewhere else with large mortgage and just wait him out. The divorce process if it is similar to the U.K. will force mediation. If mediation fails then court.

if he’s going for more than 50% of the assets he’ll need reasons why otherwise it’ll just get knocked back.

@stealthninjamum, yes you are right. He is so vindictive he is likely to run it into the ground. I think selling it is probably the right move. The it’s a clean break and no ties back to this house. The children will decide for themselves.

@Octavia64it is weekends and holidays that we will have to agree on and we have said it’s 50/50 parenting atm. We have tentatively agreed that I’ll pay more of the costs ie school fees and children’s costs, given my higher salary. But he is so sneaky I do t know what he is actually going to try when it comes to it. But in 4 years they will all be in uni/working, they are the facts. I think I need to focus on what’s best for me as they will all be doing their own thing very soon! My eldest is already doing so. He just keeps throwing curve balls that unsettle me and make me doubt myself.