Husband has a girlfriend.

[tellmesomethingtrue]

I’m struggling. Been separated for a year and a half. In the middle of moving house into own houses. He has been emotionally abusive in the past and controlling. I discovered a few weeks ago that he has a girlfriend. I now have to suffer seeing him laying on the sofa texting her and seeing him all dressed up when he goes on dates with her. He even left the gift of chocolates that she bought him just lying around in the kitchen. I hear his muffled voice talking on the phone to her.
We are still married and still living together and eating together with our children. This feels so wrong. I have at least another 3 weeks to go, maybe more. It feels like some sort of sick torture. What will our children think of this situation when they are older and find out their dad cheated on me with one woman and then a several months later, started dating another whilst still playing ‘happy families’.

You’ve been separated a year and a half though? Do the children still not know?

I understand that must be hard but you're separated. For a year and a half!

Why are you still living together? Whybare YOU playing happy families still?

I’m sorry that you’re hurting, but he’s not unreasonable to have moved on after being separated for 18 months (however unreasonable he was when you were together).

How did you find out he has a girlfriend?

I had to spend years living with mine because of finances and childcare. Either that or trying to squeeze three teenagers into a 2 bed flat with me!

I just ignored his dating shenanigans. I didn’t want him so enjoyed the peace when he wasn’t there. Eventually he found one who thought he was great and it helped him understand I needed more of the house equity to be able to house four people and he could run off to live near her and give her somewhere to leave her husband (I know).

It’s good he’s moving on. As long as he still steps up for the children. Good luck with the move and look forward to that peace.

(It may cheer you up to know that in my case it didn’t work out for him and he is alone and miserable now.)

Just be glad that you'll be rid of him in three weeks! Do you have to eat together if you're finding it hard? Do the kids know you've separated?

Kids know we are moving house very soon. They don’t know he has another woman. Finances and selling the house is taking ages hence us still in the same house.
i know he has the right to see someone and create a new life. It’s just so hard to have see it all blossom and I’m grieving for him and our marriage and the life we should have had.

That’s understandable but I think it was your last paragraph that threw people off. You aren’t really playing happy families (nor should you) and there’s no reason to think this needs to be a shocking revelation for the kids to find out later he had a girlfriend. Hope the rest moves quickly.

Honestly OP, he’s talking to someone whose self-esteem is so low that a man still living with his wife is good enough for her.

She isn’t having the life you were supposed to have- this is all for show, the real him is the angry abusive controlling man you know so well.

Believe me, he is just starting on a series of relationships lasting a max of six months. You will run at the first sign of abuse, and he is going to find out that all women are like that. You have nothing to envy, and should pity that woman.

You are so so close to being free, if this woman can keep him happy for the next couple of weeks then great.

If hes been emotionally abusive and controlling to you, he'll be like that to her additional well. Don't think of it as "blossoming", try to think of it as a good think for you that his focus is now elsewhere- and feel sorry for her becuase you know where it will end up!!

There's a strong possibility, given his past behaviour, that he's enjoying all of this and using it get a rise out of you. That's why he's being performative about it rather than trying to be subtle. It's not easy, but if you try to see what he's doing to you, it may make it easier to try to roll your eyes at it all rather than seeing this as a genuinely lovely new thing for him.

It’s completely understandable that you are finding this difficult @tellmesomethingtrue For the past 18 months, you have been living in a sort of suspended grief state. Once you are in your new home, you may be able to start grieving for the marriage he fucked up. Then you will start to move on too.

He is in a different stage. That’s all.

Grit your teeth and get through the next few weeks as best you can. Only talk to him when absolutely necessary. Ignore the date nights etc. He’s not your problem anymore.

Have you started packing up the house? Decluttering? This can be really cathartic. If you’re struggling with motivation, watch a bit of Sort Your Life Out on BBC iplayer. It always gives me a bit of a kick up the backside.

Grit your teeth. Keep your cool. Focus on what you need to do in order to move.

This means he won't give you any grief about the separation. Why are you still eating with him though? Just cook for you and the child and let him sort his food out.

huge sympathy OP. I’m in a similar situation.

My exH completely fucked me and the children over by having an affair, when that didn’t work out he moved onto a young blonde. yeah he’s single, but his children are confused and upset, and I as their mother am doing my best to support them but am struggling to cope. Perhaps if he spent more time trying to support his children through this and less time twisting the knife in their mother by getting his end away, the children would be faring better. I do most of the childcare and it has a massive impact on our children that I’m on the brink of a nervous breakdown due to his behaviour. I’m trying so hard but I’m a crap mum at the moment.

He’s a cunt and so is your ex. They should have some respect for the mother of their children, and for the family they have spoilt, and just fucking wait. Separation is hard enough without this cruelty on top.

Omg thank you all so much. I do actually feel I might be about to have a breakdown or something. How do you know? I had a panic attack at work today and felt very lightheaded afterwards. I finally got myself together to go into the classroom as I didn’t want to be sent home. The goalpost keeps changing. We were supposed to move last week, then this week… still no date. I feel sick with it all.

I am separated from my wife for 14 months now, still living in same house living separate lives, as we didn't tell son until after his exams this year. Our house is just on market and isn't attracting much interest at the moment. Out of respect for my wife and situation I've not really thought about dating until now, but honestly I am rapidly changing my mind at the moment as this limbo could last a while longer as moving out would be challenging at present too. I think you should have been living separate lives up to now as much as possible in preparation. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but I think you need to be strong and see the light at the end of the tunnel, it won't last forever.

Thank you for your kind words. Out of interest, why would you be considering dating? For companionship? Sex? Do you not think that need time to grieve your marriage and recover before embarking on something new? How could you be in a relationship with someone whilst also living with your ‘ex’ wife who you’re still married to? Genuine question.
I feel more rejected than ever.

Honestly OP, he’s talking to someone whose self-esteem is so low that a man still living with his wife is good enough for her.

I agree with @MyFortieth, talk about a low bar, what a sad pair they are. Of course, she may not know that he’s still in the family home.

To me, it sounds as if he’s trying to upset you/make you jealous by leaving the gift of chocolates around, swanning around all dressed up, etc. It’s pathetic.

You’ve had a horrible time and it’s not surprising that you’re struggling. But, the good news is that he’ll be gone soon and you can get on with your life. Hang onto that, it’s going to get better. 💐

Because to all intents and purposes the marriage has been dead for years and it's just a legal thing now. I'm not grieving but looking forward with optimism. Living together is hard even though we are amicable. It's not a life for me to keep on going like this. I need companionship and sex in the future otherwise I don't feel there's much to look forward to.. I think we are at different stages though, the pain you are feeling is personal to your journey and just shows how everyone experiences things differently.

Thanks @Farside99
And to all who have replied, it’s helped.

I’m in this situation; waiting for the house sale to go through and have started seeing someone else very quietly.

I am not grieving the end of my marriage because it had been dead for at least 2-3 years before we finally had ‘the’ conversation. I’m really to love and be loved; I really want that part of my life back.

Ive been lonely for a long time and I’m ready not to be.

I really empathise. This is something that I am dreading, it hasn’t even happened yet, but it seems inevitable and I don’t know how I will cope when it does. I’ve been advised to focus on distractions, like a bit of trashy tv or some craft or something that takes your mind of everything and makes you feel normal even for a little while.

Op you need to move on with your life now.
Its hard i get that but you have to let it go its over you know its over dont keep torturing yourself with what might have been.

I'm sorry op. they are very natural feelings.

I wish you all the best and hope you have a new happy chapter just around the corner.

Op since me and my husband have separated he’s become a changed man. Doing lots of personal growth, goes to the gym all the time, being very clean and tidy around the house. All of these things are the total opposite of who he has been for the past 12 years.

but I know who he is no matter that facade he is projecting. He did that when we got together and I believed him! I know better now and so do you. Embrace his moving on and embrace it because it enables you to be free. Remember this! You aren’t missing out on any future life that was available. It was a lie. He was controlling and abusive - that was your future.

soubds to me like he’s created a new version of himself to attract the ladies. Just be glad it’s not you he’s stuck on anymore.

you can hold on @tellmesomethingtrue !
don’t look back!

I also feel like it's a way to make himself feel better about the shit show he's caused. Like he needs to 'prove' to himself and the world that he's not a bad man, and the easiest (& most superficial) way of doing that is to start anew with someone else and tell himself that he wasn't the problem.
I have noticed that for many women the last thing on our minds is getting validation by dating before we have healed from the last relationship, but we're often, although not always, the injured party. While the 'problematic partner' is the one out trying to convince themself that they're just fine and avoiding doing any self-reflection all.

@tellmesomethingtrueI'm playing devil's advocate here, but why should he not be dating after almost 2 years? My husband cheated on me a year ago, I've started dating and I'm enjoying it!