Co parenting birthday parties

[ls6879]

My eldest DD is turning 6 in January and my youngest DD will be 3 in February - I’m starting to think about planning their parties.

Me and their Dad split up a year ago. Last year we did a ‘joint’ party (I planned it all but we split the cost and he attended) This year I don’t know what to do. I know our daughters would like us to both be at their party, but I think he’d want to bring his girlfriend, and I don’t feel comfortable with that.

I know that will sound unreasonable, but here’s the context and why I’m struggling (this is quite long!):

He introduced our daughters to his new girlfriend almost immediately after he left last year, and she’s been a part of our daughter’s lives ever since. I’m fairly certain they were having an affair. He’d cheated previously, and I received anonymous messages after the split telling me they’d been cheating for 2 years. She also used to cheat on her exH. They strongly deny any overlap and say I need to get over it.

With the background of everything, I’ve not wanted to be around his new partner in the slightest, and have avoided her up until now. My DDs seem to like her, but her presence is so painful for me and reminds me of all the pain of his previous cheating - even though they both deny any wrongdoing.

Do I need to get over it and accept that she comes to the parties? Or do I accept that I can’t handle it and do separate celebrations going forward? That would probably mean sharing the kids birthday 50/50 which I’ve wanted to avoid until now

I think it’s your DDs birthday and it’s her feelings that matter, a good coparenting relationship where your kids can see you occasionally together is worth protecting. So put your feelings aside for an event that’s a max of twice a year and let her come if your ex wants.

It’s a pick your poison choice. A lot depends on the type of party you are organising. If it is at a venue there will be an organised thing followed by a tea party. Parents are either helping you out or standing about like spare parts. If it is at your home then it is more social.

Thank you both, really appreciate you replying. In an ideal world I’d like to keep a good coparenting relationship, but in reality he treated me awfully and it’s so horrible having to be around him. I want to do what’s best for our girls, but I don’t want to be a nervous wreck on their birthdays either.

Good point about the type of party. We usually hire a village hall, but if we did something like soft play it could diffuse the situation a bit

But you said your issue was being around his girlfriend OP, not him. If you can handle being around him without her then don’t let her being there ruin the coparenting agreement. Your girls will thank you for making the effort when they are older.

We have shared birthday parties for the last 5 years. He doesn’t bring his girlfriend because I’m friends with most of the kids mums - what women would want to be with the ex and all her friends?!

I am doing a birthday party, dad won't be invited. But we have an awful coparenting relationship, we don't talk due to DA.
I know your situation is sooooo hard. But I would give it a go for the sake of the children and building a positive coparenting situation moving forward. You have many years of coparenting left.

I would do a soft play party where they do all the work, invite your friends with kids for moral support, any family to support you, and just be a social butterfly.

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If it’s to painful have separate parties. That might mean sharing the birthday or the birthday weekend but that’s what comes with co parenting.