Please give me your advice for not letting ex upset you.

[pinkduckk]

STB EXDH moved out well over a year ago. I have stayed in the house with DC until we get finances sorted. He had ridiculous affair which came to nothing although he says he'd have left anyway. I have no doubt that he really, really dislikes me. Despite having had very little to do with his kids since he left, he's turning into a pompous performative parent with strong views on how I parent.
He is angry in every interaction we have and it's wearing me down, especially when dc and I have adjusted and adapted to all of his ridiculous behaviours.
I want to not care, I know it's his own issues he's projecting, but every time there's conflict i feel really shaken and without being dramatic, quite traumatised. I feel like this will never end and I'll always be susceptible to being harmed by him. Is there a way to protect myself here/ reduce the impact? Any advice gratefully received

I refused to communicate with mine except via one specific email address. No phone calls or texts (blocked), and no doorstep chats whatsoever.

This has the advantage of them knowing their words to you are on record. He'll still be a pompous wanker but you can have a laugh at that in your own time.

If he complains, tough shit. He had his chance to be nice and normal, and blew it.

Block him except for one agreed time a week when he can call.

otherwise no phone calls, no emails, no nothing.

i’m five years down the line and still hate interacting with him but it’s nothing like as stressful as it used to be.

Thank you both. I had thought about that, but we still seem to need almost daily short interactions re the kids and dog, as he does help out with activities, lifts etc. And this does help me in day to day life, so selfishly I don't want to shoot myself in the foot.

I had similar. In the end, I broke off all communications with him. My family would drop off my DD with him and when he dropped her off back with me I would literally stand behind the closed door until she was on the doorstep, open it and welcome her home, take the bags off him and close the door. I found that was the only way I could cope - by being utterly uncommunicative. We soon changed swap over times to a school night and did so via DDs childminder. So actually I didn’t have to see him at all most of the time.

I keep those interactions practical/ logistical but he doesn't

Download one of the court approved parenting apps as I believe it’s instant messaging and a shared calendar.

Why the seeming need?

When there are children involved there will never be zero interaction although many people come close. However why do you need to interacting every day ?

Your marriage is over even if the legalities are not in place. For most people that means agreeing to live as separate families interacting mainly at handovers and occasionally in relation to some defined co parenting needs.

This allows you both to have boundaries and for the children to know what these are. The boundaries and rules might be different in both houses but kids get used to that. They live by different rules in different settings if they go to school or to clubs.

The pair of you don’t like each other and don’t get on. There’s no way that doesn’t overspill and your children don’t know and feel the tension. You shouldn’t be interacting every day. Live separate lives and agree boundaries as co parents.

@LemonTTwe share care of the dog so that means arranging walks, meals etc. It would be ideal if that was fixed but both of our work schedules require it to be flexible.
He doesn't have set days or times with the kids, they stay with me, he never has them overnight or anything like that. They're teens so we're probably past the point of organising every other weekend or anything like that, even if he was offering to take them

Sharing the care of the dog is a choice. One that isn’t working for you. There are other options and you need to decide which will work for you.

As to the kids, you can’t force him to have them overnight but you can stop him interfering with your parenting by not involving him in your parenting. If he wants to see them he can arrange it himself with teenagers.

I suspect he is involved with them in some capacity, taking them places etc when you can’t. Your children need to arrange this with him and if he isn’t free or can’t then they can’t do it or they sort it out themselves.

@LemonTTno it doesn't work for me, but it works for the kids and that's the most important thing to me.

In your first post you state that you and the children have adapted to his ridiculous behaviours. You said he leaves you feeling traumatised. I imagine it is not that different for them.

how is that working for the children?

There is no need for this level of involvement with an ex. You ask how people manage it and the answer is you have boundaries and separate lives.

People with good relationships with ex’s who are nice people don’t engage every week let alone every day. Especially not with teenagers who can make their own arrangements if they want or need their father’s involvement.

Thank you for your input @LemonTTit is appreciated but not all appropriate unfortunately. He is very very nice to the DC, they have no issue with him in that way. Sharing care of the dog is a choice made in the best interests of the dc,they would have been devastated to lose it.

Would you describe the situation as “He has a free pass to say whatever he likes to me.”?

It sounds like it.
Given that the situation suits him delightfully you are going to have to change it.
You need to find a way to minimise contact.
You need to change his risk/reward ratio of being awful to you.
You need to start standing up for yourself.

Why the heck do you have to see him for doggy handovers.

Can you give us a couple of specific examples of texts he sends or things he says that you find distressing?

Thank you @MyFortieth
I do my best not to see him when he collects / returns the dog. Texts are mainly "can you walk dd on Tuesday morning" or "what is dc doing on Saturday morning" type of things.
But every so often he drops in his opinion or pulls me up on something
"You should have told me DCs activity was cancelled"
"You're out all the time" "I'm paying too much money on x y z"
He's angry and accusatory, and it always blindsides me because it's not all the time

You say he has very little to do with the kids but then say you need almost daily interactions because he helps you out day to day 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why can’t he make plans with the DC himself if they are teens? I’d start there. You interact with your teens to get them to contact their dad with their plans but don’t interact with him.

Definitely set up a co parenting app.

How old is the dog? I don’t understand this while it’s a choice made for the DC they would have been devastated to lose it argument. If they are still regularly seeing both parents then surely they are still
regularly seeing the dog. And if they are so enamoured of the dog, why can’t they walk it for you thereby limiting the interaction with your ex ?

It might help you to have a few standard phrases that you say to yourself when ex kicks off. “Here he goes again the stupid windbag, so glad he’s my ex” kind of thing. Don’t respond to any message ge sends that is berating you. Grey rock him on those.

But overall I’d be aiming at fostering more independence with your teens to manage the relationship with their father not you

Agree that you need to delegate the comms re the kids to the kids themselves. Teens have mobile phones. Tell them to arrange it between themselves and just let you know what you need to.

can the dog go and live with your ex? If so that whole situation is resolved.

Download a parenting app and invite your ex to use it and make it clear this is how it is going to be.

I am actually thinking of getting a new phone with a new number either to use as my daily phone or to use only for communicating with my ex. He is a massive overstepper and he keeps trying to find ways into my new life - the one without him. I am finding it hard to move on not with a new man I just mean start my new chapter. You deserve that OP!

all of these things are available to you OP but say the advantages of the parenting app - you hate it when I forget to tell you the after school activity is cancelled - this app will keep track of that through the calendar feature.

Thank you all.
@RainbowqueeenI don't know why he goes through me to check on dc schedules etc actually. He takes care of the dog during the day while we're all out at work and school so it's not really something the dc can help out with.
@newfriend05he doesn't do anything practical for dc in terms of feeding / clothing them, having them to stay etc. But if one of them says eg can you pick me up from this activity, he'll generally do it.
@BeachlovingirlI'd love the dog to stay with him but it would genuinely devastate the kids. They've coped admirably since he left, but wouldn't cope with that!

@pinkduckk then train him not to go through you. Have some standard grey rock responses like “best to check with little johnnie he will know”. Don’t give him the info. In the early days perhaps just send your DC a message saying your dad wants to know x, please let him know. Take longer and longer to respond to his queries.

just don’t keep doing the same thing you are currently doing and expecting things to change

If the kids are teens let him organise contact and lifts with them directly. No need to contact you. Your kids can let you know if he is dropping off or collecting them. My exh was so bad I made him communicate with me through my solicitor only. It stopped the threats and controlling behaviour.

You say you have all adjusted and adapted to his ridiculous behaviours? What do you mean ? Can you give an example ?

You sound like you are giving him too much importance in your life. The children are old enough to make their own arrangements. Why is he not having them on a regular basis at fixed times? This daily contact is no good. Get a dog walker if you can't do this yourself - if the children are so keen on the dog let them play their part too.

You're putting yourself in a poisonous situation with him. He's not your friend. Time to tighten up. Are you in the process of divorcing ?

If you wouldn't value his advice on parenting (which I'm guessing you wouldn't) them don't place any value on his criticism either - I know it's easier to say than do, but sometimes giving yourself some context for why you don't need to take his opinions on board can help.

I was subjected to barrages of abuse by my stbxw and have had to block her on Whatsapp/text (after backing up the history so I have evidence of behaviour). We now only communicate via email. This seems to moderate the language/nastiness/threats but there's always a complaint of not communicating enough and then over complicating things when I try and communicate more. I've found it doesn't matter what's happening, she just wants to complain and make my life as uncomfortable as she can.