Not sure about this split

[Welcomeking]

My gut instinct is telling me this solution isnt a great one. What do you Mnetters think based on your experience?

Long marriage. One dd aged 16 (just), in gcse year. Marriage has been 'wrong' for many years. After several recent incidents I decided enough was enough. A few conversations in and he agrees it isnt right. Doesn't want divorce but feels as do I its the best solution. He hasn't changed after many opportunities to do so.

We live in a mortgaged property, 6 years left on mortgage. I can afford bills etc but not to buy him out as well. This wasn't an option for him. He suggests I stay in the marital home, he will look at moving to a friends. He suggests we both pay mortgage and bills still, he stays on mortgage until DD is 18 and then we review then.

Whilst I think this is a good? outcome for DD potentially it will still give him control over the home for the next 2 years, I'm 2 years less of my own personal mortgage timeline and who knows what could happen in those 2 years.

I have told him to look into legalities etc as I have already had first hour with a solicitor (he doesn't know).

What do you propose if you can’t afford to buy him out?

are you looking to sell and split the equity ( not forgetting pensions and other assets)?

My proposal or my thought prior to this conversation was taking my equity of the house, share of assets and pensions and buying my own small place. I see for my DD and for obvious practical reasons its for the best but has the potential to not be such a clean break.

Personally if you can do that I would.

it gives you the station, control. Not doing this just kicks the can down the road imo

Yes, that's my gut feeling in that it still gives him that element of control. Of course its better for my DD to stay put right now but I'm really not sure about his suggestion in the long run especially as based on a few calculations even with my not so great salary and with the equity from the home I could still (hopefully) buy a small 2 bed property.

By the time you get a divorce sorted and the house sold your daughter will have finished her GCSEs. That could be a good time to plan for a clean break. If not it would be best to wait until she finishes A levels or equivalent for the clean break. But that that doesn’t mean you can get divorced and a settlement agreed. It just means you agree to defer selling the house and splitting the equity until one of those break points.

I think this would be best as it psychologically ends the marriage and you know where you are headed.

If you know it’s better for your dd to stay put now, and for the foreseeable future because of exams, then why wouldn’t you just do that?

You can’t be so desperate to get away from any trace of financial connection with the man you married that is worth disrupting the last few years that your child needs to be put first.

Thanks @CopperWhite , no of course not and DD is the main priority in all this but I guess I am trying to cover all scenarios here but see none will be the absolute best other than what has been suggested.

It's 3 years isn't it, not 2? Because when your DD turns 18 she'll be at the start of her A level year so that won't be the right time to rock the boat either. You'll have to wait until summer 2028 when she finishes A levels. For me that would be too long - better to sell now and do the financial settlement.

I don’t think it’s always best for DC not to move. A friend kept dc in their home but they were so worried about their dad (could only afford to rent a small place) that it caused more issues and I think a clean break and physical move can help DC process the break up more than “don’t worry darling, nothing is changing!”. Not always of course, just putting another side.

if his earning power is greater you may get a bigger share of the equity especially if you need to house DD. Do either of you have pensions? Savings?

I’d definitely see a solicitor before you agree to anything. You could also see a mortgage broker to see what difference those 2 years could make and/or use the 2 years to up your earnings if possible.

Yes of course! its a while isnt it. This is my thought exactly that its too far down the line imo @ApricotCheesecake . I agree @Mauvehoodie , it has the potential to be swept aside and a clean break in my opinion would be best. We both have pensions, his more than mine and some savings. I did already pay and have an initial hour with a solicitor to just get a bit of a baseline around what it could look like. I will definitely seek legal advice before agreeing to anything and get something that is legally binding.

I think you should be looking for larger portion of the equity to account for his larger pension and add in half the savings etc and the mortgage you’d be able to get now to see what you could afford.

If there’s any chance he may be controlling I’d want to avoid his suggestion. I’d be wondering what’s in it for him as well - surely he’d rather get settled in a home where he could have DD. Or would he expect to come bank “home” anytime he fancied seeing her…?

Yes @Mauvehoodie him just being allowed free access to the home seems all very lovely and amicable but realistically thats not going to work.

The solicitor did say that is what she would be aiming for, a higher split based on this but even at the moment I'm going in with a 50:50 split. Any rest will be a bonus but equally I want it to be fair.

Hopefully your lawyer explained that once your dd is 18 they won’t count as a dependent and your housing ‘need’ will be for 1 bed property. So if you are asking for more 50% it’s better to do that while you have a dependent to house. You can do the settlement and get final order but agree a future date for sale or buyout. I wouldn’t delay sorting out the legal side until your DD is 18.

@BigCity no they didnt mention that but makes sense. I would realistically be happy with a 50:50 split to be honest. I could probably push for more based on my circumstances being less favourable than his but I'll see. Thank you.