Help! I am separating from a narcissist, he is making the process a living hell.

crappycrapcrap · 19/09/2025 18:28

Get your paperwork and treasures together.
See if you were to move out and privately rent what universal credit you can claim.
Get out with your daughter anyway possible, if you can’t rent, move to family? It’s not always an option but if you have any choice just get out of it. He’ll make you ill.

MikeRafone · 19/09/2025 18:31

I’d seek help and advice from woman’s aid

make sure you pay the council tax as you are liable e en if he doesn’t pay, that can escalate quickly into debt.

i take it his name is on the tenancy and mortgage?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2025 18:35

You can get benefits if you are living together separately.
You need to pay the mortgage - call the company and explain the situation and they should move you to interest only - you can also use the mortgage charter to do this online (perhaps try that first)
also call the rental company for advice and say he is refusing to pay. You may get universal credit to help with the rent portion unless you have savings. Either buy him out or list the place for sale immediately

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2025 18:35

You can also call the council and explain the situation. They might be able to help!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2025 18:36

Ps I don’t think universal credit will pay rent on a property while you have a home you own. But if he has been domestically abusive you can get an occupation ordered to keep him out of the property

Original poster

Mumofacutie · 19/09/2025 18:43

Hello! I am desperately in need of advice! A few weeks ago I announced my husband that finally, I want a divorce. I have been battling with myself, and Finally I got the balls to do it. I won’t go into details, but I do have my reasonings of making this decision. We share a daughter and a mortgage (shared ownership). So when I told him I want a divorce, he left from home and didn’t come back for a while.
Now he is back, and told me he is cancelling all the payments (bills and mortgage as well) and he said he will wait until we get evicted. The set up was the following originally: I paid for the rent and few bills, council tax. His part was the mortgage and electricity and gas. So when he left us he cancelled the energy bills as well.
when he left, I applied for benefits as our daughter is little and needs childcare.
Now as he is back, he said all these things above and that I have to cancel the benefits as he is around.
He won’t give us a penny and he will not pay anything, basically he will make my life impossible.

Can someone give me advice? I am totally numb and I don’t know what to do , I am drowning! Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumofacutie · 19/09/2025 19:34

Thank you! Unexpectedlysinglemum, sorry I cannot tag you, does this count as an abusive behaviour? Physically he isn’t abusing me, would these things I mentioned count as well to get that order? I have to survive somehow until the sale finishes. :(

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Original poster

Mumofacutie · 19/09/2025 19:35

MikeRafone · 19/09/2025 18:31

I’d seek help and advice from woman’s aid

make sure you pay the council tax as you are liable e en if he doesn’t pay, that can escalate quickly into debt.

i take it his name is on the tenancy and mortgage?

Yes, he is on the council tax as well but I have been paying that. Am I able to remove his name and put
mine only?

OP posts:

zipadeedodah · 19/09/2025 19:41

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2025 18:35

You can get benefits if you are living together separately.
You need to pay the mortgage - call the company and explain the situation and they should move you to interest only - you can also use the mortgage charter to do this online (perhaps try that first)
also call the rental company for advice and say he is refusing to pay. You may get universal credit to help with the rent portion unless you have savings. Either buy him out or list the place for sale immediately

And proceed with the financial order. Nothing is finalised until then.
You need to make him an offer and see what he comes back with and then take it from there.

Cantgetausername87 · 19/09/2025 19:46

Womens aid will be able to help and give advice along with CAB. If you can, get out of there and look into private renting
Is absolutely awful, he sounds like a right arse but you can and will find a way out and a way to manage without him. This is just a strategy to try and keep you in line x

millymollymoomoo · 19/09/2025 21:03

Put a claim in for uc and also cms

see a solicitor and ask about maintenance pending suit

megachocs7 · 19/09/2025 23:50

I recently split with my partner and I started claiming UC even though he is still living here. He sleeps downstairs and we live separately. I have to live like this until our house is sold.

trailblazer42 · 20/09/2025 06:21

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2025 18:36

Ps I don’t think universal credit will pay rent on a property while you have a home you own. But if he has been domestically abusive you can get an occupation ordered to keep him out of the property

You can - I jointly own the family home plus we share ownership of a rental property which has tenants/isn’t suitable for me and they reviewed it all and agreed to cover my rental costs for another house I’ve been living in.

Beachlovingirl · 20/09/2025 09:53

Op I was advised to go women’s aid and to be honest I thought that help can they be? I contacted them and it was so valuable. They advised me and listened and supported. They also know all about having a narcissistic partner and know what you are being subjected to.

do phone your mortgage company and swap to interest only and also to your own bank account. You’re joint holder you can control some things yourself. You cannot remove him from council tax but you can add yourself if you can prove you are joint owner and any letter from mortgage company with both names or your title deeds will prove it. Take over the direct debit.

even if you move out you still have to cover these bills if your husband isn’t going to. You don’t want a late payment flag or a default on your mortgage otherwise you aren’t getting another mortgage and council tax will come after you with a CCJ again you cannot allow this happen to you.

take all phone calls in the car or go on a walk. Make sure you always have your house keys on you. Hide your documents at a friends house. I have mine locked in my car boot.

everychildmatters · 20/09/2025 09:55

What's your working situation, OP? How old is your daughter?

Original poster

Mumofacutie · 20/09/2025 11:12

Beachlovingirl · 20/09/2025 09:53

Op I was advised to go women’s aid and to be honest I thought that help can they be? I contacted them and it was so valuable. They advised me and listened and supported. They also know all about having a narcissistic partner and know what you are being subjected to.

do phone your mortgage company and swap to interest only and also to your own bank account. You’re joint holder you can control some things yourself. You cannot remove him from council tax but you can add yourself if you can prove you are joint owner and any letter from mortgage company with both names or your title deeds will prove it. Take over the direct debit.

even if you move out you still have to cover these bills if your husband isn’t going to. You don’t want a late payment flag or a default on your mortgage otherwise you aren’t getting another mortgage and council tax will come after you with a CCJ again you cannot allow this happen to you.

take all phone calls in the car or go on a walk. Make sure you always have your house keys on you. Hide your documents at a friends house. I have mine locked in my car boot.

thank you for this detailed answer! Very helpful! In what way Women’s Aid was able to help you?
I am about to call them today. Also, I was advised to call 101 to report Coercive Abuse, which has been doing on for a while, just now it is a bit vague. I bought food, like the bare minimum that would cover me and my daughter for a few days. He is eating the food I am buying. He also plugged in his electric car to charge all night, despite he cancelled the electricity bills direct debit.

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Original poster

Mumofacutie · 20/09/2025 11:17

everychildmatters · 20/09/2025 09:55

What's your working situation, OP? How old is your daughter?

Edited

I work part time. Daughter is in year 1, she is 5. I don’t have family support. I have a plan in my head. I am not 100% sure that the mortgage payment has been cancelled from his Direct debit yet. Going to call the lender on Monday. Last Monday when I called them it was still active. However, upon his arrival yesterday, he said he would cancel everything, as he has paid for EVERYTHING in the last 10 years. Which is a big fat lie, I have just asked my banks to send me detailed statements that show my contributions towards bills, rent, council tax etc.
So back to the subject, if he cancels everything, my mum is happy to come cor a few months and I ll do more hours at my work, and I will pay everything I can until the house sells. Not much choice, otherwise I will lose the equity.
on a side note he also said yesterday , that he would refuse to pay everything and will wait for the eviction. What an idiot!

OP posts:

Beachlovingirl · 20/09/2025 12:58

Women’s aid listened and sent through interesting articles and links and also suggested if my child was experiencing any ill effects of the abuse they could provide counselling for her.

they sent me links to more information about narcissistic behaviour as I was pretty in the dark about that way it manifests itself. That made me realise what I was dealing with and how I could protect myself from getting in conversations where he would manipulate me and make me think I was going crazy.

it doesn’t matter if you haven’t made any mortgage payments the house is matrimonial property and you’ll be entitled to the equity. I know this because I am the one who pays and who has always paid our mortgage and I still need to give my husband 50% of the equity. That is mortgage left minus house value. If you have the statement this will give you an indication of what you’ll be entitled to.

get a proper estate agent valuation on the house because the mortgage company have very low valuations and he will want to use this but you must not. Get 3 estate agents out and be there when they give the figure don’t let your husband coerce them.

bet he hasn’t cancelled anything sounds like threats to me and I can see what you are up against OP.

my husband would also eat all the food I bought and the laundry stuff etc - he was very smug about everything too.

Original poster

Mumofacutie · 20/09/2025 14:03

Beachlovingirl · 20/09/2025 12:58

Women’s aid listened and sent through interesting articles and links and also suggested if my child was experiencing any ill effects of the abuse they could provide counselling for her.

they sent me links to more information about narcissistic behaviour as I was pretty in the dark about that way it manifests itself. That made me realise what I was dealing with and how I could protect myself from getting in conversations where he would manipulate me and make me think I was going crazy.

it doesn’t matter if you haven’t made any mortgage payments the house is matrimonial property and you’ll be entitled to the equity. I know this because I am the one who pays and who has always paid our mortgage and I still need to give my husband 50% of the equity. That is mortgage left minus house value. If you have the statement this will give you an indication of what you’ll be entitled to.

get a proper estate agent valuation on the house because the mortgage company have very low valuations and he will want to use this but you must not. Get 3 estate agents out and be there when they give the figure don’t let your husband coerce them.

bet he hasn’t cancelled anything sounds like threats to me and I can see what you are up against OP.

my husband would also eat all the food I bought and the laundry stuff etc - he was very smug about everything too.

Thank you again, The house is on sale now, I guess not much I can do, and tbh I am happy he didn’t back up from the sale.

When he picked the surveyor, he paid for that and sorted it, as financially I was not in a position to afford any.

And did you manage to get out of that marriage? If so, how long did it take?

he is trying to make my life a hell, I am just so scared that I am never going to be able to get out of this.

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Beachlovingirl · 20/09/2025 15:23

@Mumofacutie I know how hard it is and that you feel uncertain about what’s around the corner and what mood they’re in and it’s like walking on eggshells but even worse!
I am still going through the motions but I am still on eggshells until he moves out and leaves me in peace at last.

what is your plan for after the house is sold? Will he give you 50% of the equity?

Original poster

Mumofacutie · 20/09/2025 17:20

Beachlovingirl · 20/09/2025 15:23

@Mumofacutie I know how hard it is and that you feel uncertain about what’s around the corner and what mood they’re in and it’s like walking on eggshells but even worse!
I am still going through the motions but I am still on eggshells until he moves out and leaves me in peace at last.

what is your plan for after the house is sold? Will he give you 50% of the equity?

He has to, as per ChatGPT says, once the sale is completed we can arrange the payments 50-50.

I would not trust him even he says he would send the 50%, he would definitely make deductions as per usual.

Honestly, I feel like this is not happening to me. I only see things like these in the movies. And here I am…Sometimes I am in the panicking mood and then I pull myself together and just do what I have to do. I reported him to the local authorities for coercive abuse. I am a bit scared of his reaction, but this was my only option. I cannot let him make me collapsed financially and emotionally. No!

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