Help with telling the kids

[IsThisLifeNow]

So my husband I are divorcing. He came out in April and I'm absolutely devastated that he lied to me for ao long. Together almost 11 years, married for almost 8 and 2 kids, 7 and 3. I've put off telling them for as long as possible, but tomorrow is the day. We need to do it now as the house is going up for sale in the very near future and we can't have a sign up before we tell them

I've read so many articles on what to say, but just how do you tell them their world is completely changing?!!!!

I've spoken to their nursery and school, which in itself has been hard to do, I cried at both of those so I don't know how I'm going to get through the weekend without crying in front of the kids.

I’d tell the truth: daddy loves another man, so when that happens, he can’t be married to mummy anymore, or live in the same house. So he will move out. He is still their daddy, they will still see him, etc.

Are you telling them together? I'm sure I read something years ago that this is always the best way (for the children, regardless of who has done what etc...).

I think it was something to do with young children tending to 'blame' the parent who told them. Thinking that if the other parent isn't there then it's because they're being 'sent away'.

Yes together. I am so scared of getting the blame. Their Dad has turned into a disney Dad, letting them away with more than I do, eating crap, buying them toys, watching youtube on his phone etc.

I have pushed for divorce, but its not my fault. He found a man online to have wex with before telling me. Like he wanted to give it a try first and make sure

I would really love to have him take the blame, but I don't think it's healthy from what I've been reading, but its good to get opinions so I value that you think I'm not being unreason in wanting that.

My friend has said what she valued when her parents divorced was them always getting on. She's in her 40's now and i so want to be the bigger person and to let it go

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. As difficult as tomorrow will be, at least once it's done it's done. Hopefully it will be a weight of your mind and you can get the house on the market & start making some plans for the future x

We did the standard ‘we love you but we’re not in love with each other any more, we are still a family, and you’ll always have homes with both of us’ type stuff. They were actually completely fine, but they are older than yours.

For the love of god don’t put ‘daddy is in love with another man’ on their plates. That is not theirs to have to deal with.

Daddy is going to live in another house, he stills loves you, you will still see him and he and I will be happier living apart. It's not anything to do with you and not your fault.

Then just answers their questions and no more. DC tend to ask what they need to in their own time/way as and when they are ready for the answers. You could say I'll always be here to answer any questions or give you a hug if you need it. Keep it simple.

My friend went through this, her 3 children are now all parents themselves, she is very good friends with her ex and they go out on double dates with both of their now husbands without the kids or grandkids around. She admitted she had to take some hits and let a lot go to get to that point when the kids were young, but she out the kids first and she doesn't regret it.

Amazon- I bought these, and still read them occasionally to my 3 & 6 year old.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Mum-Dad-Two-Homes/dp/1406341762/ref=asc_df_1406341762?mcid=069646970fb73a6caae5e106e6025432&hvocijid=6499335927901547673-1406341762-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6499335927901547673&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195463&hvtargid=pla-2281435177578&psc=1&gad_source=1

And this one
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Homes-Filled-Love-Separation/dp/1649160577/ref=asc_df_1649160577?mcid=cb0e4c1a1d9b32619914a0bc098c3d76&th=1&psc=1&hvocijid=15441420573564203992-1649160577-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15441420573564203992&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195463&hvtargid=pla-2281435176658&psc=1&gad_source=1

Things have changed drastically for the worse in our coparenting relationship, abuse was an issue. So I just say that mummy and daddy weren't happy together anymore and it is better to have two happy homes. That we won't ever stop loving you, and you have done nothing wrong, this is an adult decision. The books help on the days these things are brought up. We read them together.

I’m sorry @IsThisLifeNow such a lot for you to have weighing on your mind.

Yes tell them together and try and stay factual/neutral. No blame as this is no good for your kids or your relationship with their dad.

There needs to be no element of doubt so very clear on the immediate plans. Our DC immediately asked about will we still go to the park together, will we still go camping together, where will the dog live so try and be prepared for this type of question from your 7yo.

The neutral element was the hardest part for me as split wasn’t my decision but my god the lack of outward “blame” is the thing that has kept us a family even though our relationship has gone. We are still genuinely amicable a year in. I have found it hard taking a few knocks emotionally but it was absolutely the right thing for our family not to present the split as one parent’s decision. I have no idea how I’d feel about that in your situation.

I was always told they won’t ask many questions, they won’t ever ask if it was one parents choice, but they really did - that might just be kids - but I have just repeated what we told them the day we broke the news. (My youngest is 8).

Afternoon. So we told them. Very underwhelming response tbh, dont think my 3 year old has a clue and the oldest is more excited about getting 2 new bedrooms.

I know this isnt the end, but the first bit that I was absolutely dreading is over.

Thanks to everyone for their moral support and advice. And the book suggestions @BookArt55 I'll get one of those thank you.

Did have an embarrassing moment in the oark this morning when my omdest told a complete stranger all what was going on. She was very politle about what was clearly abig bit of news

Well done OP. How is it going now? Asking as will be having a similar conversation with my own young children in the not to distant future. I hope all is well and you are doing ok

If he is still Disney dadding then you need to have a conversation about how you co-parent effectively and create equity across the two houses. How are you doing though OP?

I'm doing ok thanks. Still living together and that is starting to get old, but generally managable. House is on the market, but the market is dead in the water, so thats frustrating.

The kids are doing ok. Theres been moments of sadness, Questions from my 7 year old, but nothing too deep. Theres moments that cut painfully though, like when I was viewing a house I really loved and both kids asked where Daddy would sleep. I just reminded them gently that Daddy would have his own house, then cried for an hour after I put them to bed.

I've stopped looking at houses, its too painful till ours sells. The one I loved has sold, it was lovely abd would have been perfect.

@jeaux90 the disney dad stuff is a bit less now thank god, but yes going forward its going to be tough.

@Snipples I'm sorry you are going through this too, it's really hard, but the kids are managing so much better than I ever thought. I don't know how much they understand though.

My oldest is still excited about 2 new bedrooms, and the thought of a cabin style bed, but had cried over the thought of changing schools, so thats going to be hard when it comes to moving. How old are your kids?

Oh sorry about the questions, it must be so difficult to keep it together when they’re being curious and don’t realize how raw and upsetting it is for you. My girls are 5 and 7 and we’re not telling them until we are more definitive on moving dates which won’t be for a few months.

I’ve found it quite difficult with family really piling on with the comments “my heart just breaks for those two girls” etc etc and making it out to be a tragedy as if I don’t give a toss about their feelings. It’s not like we happily choose this route. Anyway I’m on a rant here, glad it’s gone as ok as it can for you and keeping my fingers crossed your house sells soon so you can move on and get settled.

Yes its the casualness in the way they ask, but I cant blame them, they don't understand the full situation as they are still just kids.

I think that's unfair of your family, yes it is heart breaking for the kids, but also for you too. I'd hate that getting said, it makes me feel like I'm personally to blame, even though I know there's no alternative and its not your fault.

Thanks, hopefully the market will pick up after the budget happens next month, I think I'll feel so much happier going into Christmas with an end date in sight. I almost really shouted at STBExH last night. I went to get my dinner on after we'd put the kids to bed, a really nice pizza from the freezer that I'd been saving, and he'd bloody eaten it. I think because I'd been thinking about it for the hour previous and hadn't planned anything else made it worse. I had to cook something from scratch then too, took ages and I was starving. He was like 'Oh, was that yours?' Yes of course it bloody was, it was a type he wouldn't normally buy but obviously just didn't give a shit. He lucky he was on his way out when I discovered it or we might have had a big argument. Prick.

God I hate that too. As if I hadn’t given their wellbeing a second thought 🤬🤬🤬

Yes @AmyDuPlantierthats how it makes me feel too. I’m sure it’s meant well but it just comes across as judgmental and as if I’m merrily running about ruining childhoods for the craic. Like noones arsed when the kids are exposed to rows and miserable parents. I don’t see how that’s any better.

@IsThisLifeNowthe pizza thing would annoy me too. You did well not to lose it and keep your cool.

Im a bit further ahead than you, we separated july 2024. I moved in with my parents to avoid a change in school.
The divorce is now final, the Consent Order has been granted and the house sale is hopefully weeks away from going through. It went on the market in Spring. I've got a purchase proceeding a few weeks behind. Not looking until your house is on the market/sold is a good idea. It doesn't feel like it now but in 12 months when you're moving/ed into your own space things will feel very different. Good luck

@Snipples he was on his way out the door, if he hadn't been I think I would've got into an argument with him. He's changed in the last 6 months, just doesn't care about loads of things that he previously did. Things not related to me as well, so I'm trying not to take it personally. He still hasn't replaced the pizza after saying he would, Tosser.

Thank you @Hall84 I needed to hear that. I am still keeping myself aware of what is coming onto the market if I see it shared, but not viewing properties or actively trawling online for homes.

My oldest asked again about his Dad coming on holiday with us next year. It's a hard no, but gently explained. The kids don't have many friends who have divorced parents so its new for them

They might not have friends with divorced parents but I suspect that there will be some in the class in similar situations. DD is 5 and we still do whole class parties, so obviously you chat.