How to handle dd wanting us back together

[Em1988x]

My husband and I have been living apart since May, and I thought my daughter was dealing ok with it. She’s is 8, almost 9, and very emotional child, who gets worked up and angry very quickly. Past couple of weeks she’s been getting upset asking for us to live together and why can’t we, and she’s unhappy and will be forever. I try to reassure her that she won’t be unhappy forever but she just get angry and cries and says she will and her friends that have divorced parents also feel the same. She’s just had a meltdown saying she never thought this would happen to her, she hates going back and fourth etc. When I tell her mom and dad don’t get along and can’t live together and this makes everyone happier, she isn’t having any of it, says well it would make her happy and basically that’s all she cares about 🤣

She only spends two nights a week at dads but he calls in pretty much every night to see them, and do stuff occasionally. But he won’t have both kids together because he doesn’t want me alone and dating (whole other story)

Any ideas of what else to say or do. Right now I feel like shit and actually thinking it would be easier to just live together and ride it out in separate rooms until she is older.

I hate dealing with other people’s emotions and never know what to say or right thing to say 🙈 But always encourage open communication and emotions with my kids. However, right now I have hidden myself away in my bedroom as not sure what else to actually say to her because nothing is going to make it better for her.

She only spends two nights a week at dads but he calls in pretty much every night to see them, and do stuff occasionally. But he won’t have both kids together because he doesn’t want me alone and dating (whole other story)

He's controlling so she's been living in a soup of that forever. Firm, calm, empathetic boundaries. And get the child visitation thing sorted. He doesn't visit your home and have just one child after divorce.

It's obvious why you split with him!

I would just reassure her but remind this is the way things are now

Could he be encouraging this? Oh and l hope you are getting all the child support money you are entitled to as you never get any down time

How often does he have your other child and how old are they? If it’s 2 nights also then that’s 4 nights a week without their sibling also which will also be unsettling for her. Can you reconsider contact arrangements through a mediator or solicitor?

Boundaries need to be put in place, it sounds very confusing and he sounds very controlling.

• he shouldn't be in your home, especially not daily. You aren't actually drawing a line in the sand. Seeing him daily, in the family home, I assume, isn't helping for the children to understand the situation.
• siblings should move between the homes together. Not only has she lost her parents living under one roof, but it appears she spends 4 nights a week away from her sibling!?!?! She now spends the most time with you, and just one night more with her sibling than her dad. She lost her sibling in this arrangement. That doesn't put the kids first, it puts dad first. Ridiculous!

-Amazon- I bought these, and still read them occasionally to my 3 & 6 year old. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Mum-Dad-Two-Homes/dp/1406341762/ref=asc_df_1406341762?mcid=069646970fb73a6caae5e106e6025432&hvocijid=6499335927901547673-1406341762-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6499335927901547673&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195463&hvtargid=pla-2281435177578&psc=1&gad_source=1

And this one
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Homes-Filled-Love-Separation/dp/1649160577/ref=asc_df_1649160577?mcid=cb0e4c1a1d9b32619914a0bc098c3d76&th=1&psc=1&hvocijid=15441420573564203992-1649160577-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15441420573564203992&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195463&hvtargid=pla-2281435176658&psc=1&gad_source=1

Thank you all. Her brother is 11, just started secondary. He spends the Friday and Saturday or occasionally 1 night a week, depending if dad goes out. His working hours from 7am - 6pm most days prevent any real structure and he won’t ask his boss for flexibility. In all honesty, I hate and I’m scared to ask him to change things and I do just go along with what he wants. I don’t know how to stand up to him and have always felt that way. We started dating when we were 15 and 17 and I’m now 37 and still feel like that same 15 year old being told what to do and scared to step out of line

I honestly didn’t think it would be this hard. Other than telling dd that he won’t be moving back in, I don’t know what else to say to her. It does make me sound selfish because she’s right, why am I doing what makes me happy but not what makes her happy.

I do think she feels for dad being on his own so thinks she has to be with him. She also said she doesn’t want to be away from me for two nights in a row when I suggested she does a Wednesday and Thursday night.

he has a one bed apartment at the moment, with bed in living room for ds when he stays. Dd is very attached and sleeps with me at home and also dad at his. When I approach subject of her sleeping alone I get met with lots of tears and that she is scared and will have nightmares.

I do think things would be easier if he got himself a house with their own bedrooms, he earns plenty and doesn’t give me anything, as I don’t want a penny from him, in the hope he will save it and get a house for them, but he contributes to uniforms etc.

Thank you. I will check those books out

I think you need to be kind to yourself. You've spent your whole adult life with him running the show. But now you get to be the director. What happens in your home is for you to decide as the adult, and sometimes that will mean setting firm boundaries with the kids and your ex. If you haven't already I would go to therapy and work through this. It is massively helpful for yourself but also your kids.
The thing that helped me was:
Would you be happy if your child was in that relationship? The answer is obviously no.
Write a list of why you wanted out, when you doubt your decision just read over it again. Mum guilt is so tough and shows you love your kids. But at 9 years old she doesn't understand thr nuances of adult relationships.
Be consistent, have boundaries, show love, keep an open dialogue, the kids will see it and feel it.
The second thing that helped me was:
Would you be happy with your child becoming the person you are right now? For me, there were parts where the answer was no. I would want them to have more confidence, more self respect, feel strong in their opinions, to not be a pushover/people pleaser. So I've been working on these skills for the last year and having these discussions about healthy relationships with ny kids (age appropriate, to do with friendships), trying to teach myself, and them, the tools I didn't have.
I suppose I am trying to say that you need to switch this on it's head. Rather than blaming yourself, congratulate yourself for teaching your children that being single is better than an unhappy relationship, well done for doing this on your own and providing a safe, loving and stable home for them. You're not just putting you first, you're breaking the cycle and teaching your children so their future is brighter. Be kind to yourself, it's hard and you are doing your best.

“earns plenty and doesn’t give me anything, as I don’t want a penny from him”

OP, you are entitled to money from him for the children - you need to go to a solicitor and get a proper divorce, that would specify who is responsible for the DC and when, and tie up money etc. I wouldn’t be having him calling in whenever he feels like it, and as for only taking one of the DC at a time to prevent you from having any sort of life for yourself - words fail me. If your husband is so controlling, is this the example of married life that you want to show your DD? Do you want her to be in thrall to some man, or do you hope she will be more assertive and independent? If you and your DH have separated, then having him back means you’ll just have to go through it all over again, because he won’t change and eventually you’ll go your separate ways for exactly the same reasons as now. I know whereof I speak - I went to see a solicitor, was persuaded by my ex to go to marriage guidance; my solicitor at the time said well, you can do it but sooner or later you’ll be back here - and she was right.

Your guilt is just making this worse. You need to get very clear boundaries and stop stepping in for him and get legal advice and start a maintenance claim.

this At the moment seems temporary for her which is why she is reacting like she is

You are being walked all over and this is confusing for your daughter.
He doesn't get to "drop in" every night. He gets certain days where he takes both children (your daughter is being separated from her sibling which is distressing for her)
You need to set clear boundaries and then she won't be as confused by it all

Your household doesn’t include your husband any more. Only when you get rid of his influence can you start to create something new and make progress, and if it only has to stretch around you and your children it will be better. Your husband is coming across as very selfish and he’s having his cake and eating it.

ask him which two nights he wants both kids. If he starts to manipulate with the explanation of why he can’t have both just cut him off and ask the question again and say if you don’t know take that away and let me know.

I know you mentioned he doesn’t want you dating. That is a him problem and not a you problem. Keep your communication transactional. He’s making you feel like he still cares and has your best interest at heart but this is just a form of manipulation and control. You don’t need his care any more! You’re fine as you are!

are you divorced op? Because you need to set these wheels in motion.

your daughter is really confused and that’s because there are so many mixed messages floating about. Go to the CMS for the money too. It’s time to move forward.

I’m new to all of this separation stuff but have been doing a lot of reading over the last month. From the information you have shared on the situation you have at the moment, it seems a judge would not agree to it in divorce at all because it is absolutely not in the best interest of your children.

you are very much still being controlled by your ex, all of you. I would suggest contacting women’s aid, getting some counselling for you and your daughter (maybe school can help?) and starting divorce proceedings with legal advice.

there is far too much change for your daughter. She needs to be with her brother, she needs her home with you to feel safe but it can’t when he comes over every night and makes the home feel hostile I’m guessing? She also needs her own room at his house regardless of when she feels able to go in it. She is sleeping with you to feel secure because of the amount of change and uncertainty and you need to find the strength to fight for what is right for the children.

Thank you, you are spot on there, just like you I definitely wouldn’t want her having my traits of little confidence in decisions, minimal self respect, and to not be a pushover/people pleaser. Was it therapy that helped you with this?

I did try explain to her in a friendship capacity, that I wouldn’t expect her to play with or live with a friend she no longer enjoyed spending time with. I don’t think it helped that she was already worked up and adamant in her mind that she wanted dad back home and then when she is calm and happy, I don’t want to approach the subject incase it upsets her and ruins the day 🙈

I know in my mind that we would not work as we’ve been on this merry go round for over 20 years, and with even more damage done this year, I just can’t see how either of us could move on. It would purely be to make our dd happy tbh.

I hoped that not asking for money, would encourage him to save that money and put towards a deposit on a house because he would like to buy again. Wishful thinking perhaps though.

I do hate that he still controls the situation and I fear leaving the house without a child incase I get accused of meeting up with someone or having an actual life

You are right, it does seem temporary because to start with in May, it was meant to be but since then, I did explain we wasn’t getting back together. Maybe should have kept the conversation on going but I guess I hoped she would understand.

my guilt for being the one that chose this in the end, is what keeps me in this constant state of fear and trying to make him happy. I don’t know how to move past it and would love to stay therapy would be the answer but not so sure

No, not divorced as feel like that would tip her over the edge and I haven’t been in a rush due to no assets and childcare being so flexible. I thought letting the kids have an input an be able to see dad when they want, would help the situation.

I would love to say that would be easy but he has a 1 bed apartment so having their own room is not an option, that frustrates me. But I can’t make him get a house.

I was thinking of giving it until after Xmas and saying to him he has to start having the kids together at least 1 night a week and do something together with them, as at the moment he comes here a lot to spend time and just lies around the house like it’s still his. He offered to cook for our ds the other night when I took dd swimming and I said as long as you clean up as I’ve just cleaned kitchen, that was met with an attitude and saying he’ll just do it at his instead.

Therapy helped me work through it, and understand why I accepted his behaviour. Things from childhood has made me this way, and I had an lovely childhood, so now I recognise the patterns and can make changes. It was honestly eyeopening. Don't doubt that his choices are his choices and my ex was and is awful, however I need to make sure I have boundaries in place and not let people push them or I will continue to accept people like that in my life. It has really helped in my personal, family and work relationships. And I'm teaching my kids constantly.
It is so hard, I'd revisit these teaching conversations during a calm time. Doing it through play, like with roleplya games or doll houses works well. I tell stories that I made up, that have the underlying teaching method in there and then after the story we talk about what behaviours are okay and which aren't. Pretty much I teacher without ever referencing dad, or any particular friends, behaviours. But it embeds it in a way so their gut will know as they grow and develop further relationships.

He’s keeping the 1 bed as a way of controlling you. So you let him keep coming around. It sounds like he can afford more bedrooms. It’s not your problem to solve anymore either, again he’s controlling you still by making you feel guilty about your children when he should be considering their needs. If you start the legal process, he will be told by a solicitor he needs to have a suitable home. It’s not for you to tell him.

I think the key to all of this is for you to get support from a domestic abuse service to see the situation from a different perspective and deal with those feelings. It’s been a very long relationship.

Isn’t it baffling how much we accept from the people we love or loved. This man was once my whole world and actually thought I would die if he ever left me permanently. Now, I can’t stand seeing him 🤣🙈 I spent weekends alone in a house (back when there was no Netflix and chill) pay all the bills and he go out on the piss from Friday through to Monday. I can’t believe half of the things I tolerated just to be loved by him.

is there a particular specialist therapist I should look out for?

I like the idea of us playing and incorporating it.

I’m not sure this could be deemed as an abuse case. But definitely can see now that it’s him being controlling once again. He does it so subtly that I never seen all these little things before until I speak with people outside of it

“at the moment he comes here a lot to spend time and just lies around the house like it’s still his”

OP, this is intolerable. Don’t wait until after Christmas: tell him he needs to start taking charge of your two DC now, and if he raises objection, point out it won’t look good for him when you get divorced and he thinks he wants some access or shared custody of the DC. As for tipping your daughter over the edge, you’re in separate houses, yet you’re allowing your DH to pull all the strings. You need a divorce, OP: you need to be able to see what your future holds, to see other men if you want to, to have a life. I think you’ll find your DD is more resilient than you give her credit for. Don’t be in thrall to your soon to be ex and your DC - children eventually leave home; your DH will move in (unless you allow him to be so comfortable at yours that he sees no reason to) - and this is not the dress rehearsal. Time for action, OP, otherwise you’ll be posting the same thing in a year’s time, and the only thing that will have changed will be that you are more fed up and your DH is more comfortable with the situation. It’s not selfishness to want to get away from a controlling man, and frankly, your DD is being manipulative - she has found that tears and meltdowns have an effect, and you are letting her behave that way. Take charge, OP, and stop worrying so much about upsetting everyone else!

Personally I think I'd consider moving house in your shoes. Into a house he's never slept in and is completely yours. I think you would be better at asserting yourself with him then.

Maybe an assertiveness course might give you some tools on how to manage dominant people.

You just need to ride it out. Children are resilient as they say, and they are.
My daughter was the same when I split with my ex. Even though she knew in a way that things were better she still got upset that we had split. It was rough! I got her some counselling via school.
She's fine now. But when I say it was rough I mean it. This is just part of life though.
We both love our life now.

It sounds like controlling behaviour to me OP. Wanting the children on different days so you can’t date. I would definitely look into some counselling to sort through things.

My daughter went to stay with her dad while he was still living at his mum's. She shares a room at his now. Court didn't give even the slightest consideration to his living arrangements.