Husband left me due to his mental health

[Woos0093]

I’m looking for advice, me and my husband have a 3 month old baby and last week he decided to leave me. He’s saying nothings my fault and he just wants to be alone because he is in a black hole. He’s saying he’s no good for me and has failed us, and can’t be in a relationship because he can’t love or be loved right now. I’ve tried to be supportive and stand by him but he keeps pushing me away and keeps saying he needs to be alone but still wants to help in anyway he can with the baby. Alone for how long? Do I wait for him? Do I continue offering my support when he clearly doesn’t want it? I can’t see my life without him and it’s killing me and I don’t know what to do.

He can’t cope with a baby. Let him go. It’s not mental health really, it’s him not being the centre of attention anymore.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I think you could be entirely wrong. Sounds more like he's overwhelmed. @Woos0093 I'm so sorry for your situation. This is terrible for you absolutely. If you can try to keep talking to him so encouraging him to seek help that could work.

I'm sorry. Concentrate on your three month old, who wants and needs your love and care. If he comes back, decide if you want him then.

(I have been on Mumsnet too long but immediately start wondering how long until the other woman pops up.)

Oh OP this sounds so tricky. I would post this in relationships if you want more replies, I think you’ll get lots xx

Can you look into what support is available for new Dads in your area? Maybe talk to your Health Visitor. Oddly, men have hormone changes when becoming a father so are also at risk of postnatal depression. But he has to want help.
I do also wonder if there is an OW though, pregnancy and after childbirth is unfortunately a bit of a time where it can happen and if there were no other signs of his declining mental health I’d maybe try to do a bit of snooping.
Sorry you’re going through this.

nothing to do with mental health, hes reliesed how much hard works kids are and cannot cope being a dad and using it as a cop out.
leave him to it.

What is he proactively doing to improve his mental health op? Has he seen a GP or arranged therapy for example?

People also need to help themselves regardless of how much you may want to help them. Otherwise it’s pointless.

So far he’s done nothing to help himself, just working all the time and ignoring me. He’s saying he’s going to seek help but hasn’t confirmed any details of this so I wonder if this is true. I’ve sent him some links to access support but I’m not sure again if he will access these. Seems as if there’s nothing else I can do and I’ll just let it play out and concentrate on myself and my family.

I spent years babysitting my ex when I should have used my precious energy to pour into my children. Oh how I regret that. I wish I had half a chance to let my mental health get the better of me and walk out the door, not an option for us. However, If he’s genuinely unwell he needs to go get help and if he’s not doing that he’s not committed and I suggest you cut your losses. My early days of motherhood would have been a million times easier alone. My exh def didn’t enjoy the attention being focused elsewhere

I think I'd be pretty cross with him actually for making it all about himself, playing the MH card and then not seeking professional help. While you've just put your life on the line for him to have his child 3 months ago.

Is he still living with you and do both sets of parents know? Becoming a parent is a massive adjustment and its impact cannot be overestimated, but this is very strange behaviour from him. I'd be so angry at him trying to run away rejecting you but wanting to parent the baby and do everything right for them. It's like you've been used for your breeding qualities and discarded now he's got the baby. Could he be gay?
of course he could be having some kind of breakdown or there's more to this than is immediately obvious.

Having experienced two suicides within my dh’s friend group (both males) dh and I have an agreement that should our MH get so bad that we’re considering this then we need to prioritise ourselves. Leave, get help, go no contact, whatever it takes.

these are early days, I would step up and carry the load. Keep communication open, set some boundaries around him getting support. Offer couples therapy. Put a time limit on it for yourself. What can you cope with. If nothing changes in 6 months/ 1 year then you have a big decision to make.

@indoorplantqueen seems like really good advice. Yes people need to reach out for help but in the depths of depression, this can be insanely hard. I don't think posters would be telling a man to just let their female partner sink into depression alone. And I don't know why anyone would for someone they love.

Share support materials, encourage open conversations with his friends and family and ensure you are also talking to someone about it to keep you on an even keel. A horrible situation for you but I hope he gets some help and feels better and more himself soon.