Advice please - how do I move on?

[ThisGirlisHere]

Please help me

Hi everyone I never post here. I am 36F and my husband is 42M. He sat down with me last night and told me he no longer loves me romantically. We have been together 15 years and have two children, one who is Autistic (so needs that extra bit of care).
I am absolutely devastated and still in shock. I haven't stopped crying. He is crying all the time too. I asked him why he didnt come to me sooner when he felt his feelings were changing - he said he didnt want me to drop out of college or ruin my new job (I returned to finish my honours degree and secured my dream job). I have asked him is there any way at all that we can work it out. He said no, that the feelings are all gone.
He wants to stay friends and still live together, to co-parent our children. I am struggling to think straight, my heart is shattered. This is the man I thought was my lifelong partner, the one I trusted more than anything. He supported me through dealing and healing from years of sexual abuse I experienced as a child. He supported me through all my trust issues. I trusted him more than anything in the world.
We own our house, we have a mortgage together. We have two cars. We have holidays booked. It just seems so final and shocking.
Im finding it hard to see a way forward. I need advice please. How do I get through this. I didn't attend work today as I could not sleep.
He did the same. He has been holding me when I cry and even slept in the bed with me because I was so upset.
Im not angry, I am embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. Im shattered and heartbroken and Im going over everything in my head as to what I could have done wrong.
He told me there's no one else, that he would not disrespect me like that. He told me I am an amazing mother, a wonderful partner and that I am a stunning looking woman. But he doesn't want me. After 15 years.
I cant see a way out. I need to be strong for my children but this is the man I love so much. It doesn't seem real. He still looks at me the same as he always has done. I feel like he loves me.
How can I let go, my heart hurts and my whole body hurts.
I also have Lupus and I thought he would always be there for me in the future. Im scared, and he was always my person.
How do I survive. Please help.

It’s been less than 24 hours
just breathe for a couple of days
Talk to a close friend

and then… tool up and get the best solicitor you can

how old are you children?

almost 100.% that he’s been having an affair

I agree with the first post - take your time, this is something he has clearly been planning for some time, and it's obviously an utter bombshell to you.

But living in the same house is definitely not on. You cannot do that with someone you still care for - it would be utterly cruel to you. He's not your friend and you are not going to do this. Make it clear that you will be seeking legal advice and that divorce and division of assets is the only option you are now interested in.

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry for you.

Announcing that the romance has gone out at the marriage for him after “only” 15 years sounds like the stuff of teenage fantasy. It’s a marriage FFS, not a Barbara Cartland novel. Feels like your OH needs to give his head a serious wobble and take a reality check.

If none of it is making sense to you right now that’s because, as you’ve described it, it really doesn’t make any sense. Given what he stands to lose he’s either having some kind of mental health crisis or, sadly, he thinks the romance that he’s not getting in his current relationship is found elsewhere.

I don’t need to tell you, but this is a personal emergency so desperate times need desperate measures. Definitely get advice from a lawyer and don’t hold back from seeking help from friends, family and neighbours, even if you haven’t connected with them for quite some time. People will understand and want to help you.

Please get legal advice and counselling if you can.

It is horrendous but you will get through it.

You can’t stay living as friends, I don’t see how that would be good for anyone’s mental health.

I suspect his head has been turned by someone else. It might not be an affair yet but almost always in these situations there is someone else involved. Even if you find this out they tend to downplay/minimise.

I am so sorry you are going through this, big hugs.

Oh op I can understand why this is such a shock because it seems like why is he doing this!

you can get legal advise but it’s going to be pretty much standard here since you haven’t mentioned abuse or anything. He will get 50% of the shared equity on your shared house and he will get 50% custody of the children unless he wants less than that.

this living together thing won’t work out and is it his way of giving you a soft landing. I agree that it sounds like his head has been turned and he’s perhaps not acted on that for a while and now has decided to explore something. Sorry OP.

splitting up is so hard and there will be days when you see all the positives of the split and you can carry on like normal and the other days where you just want your old life back.

take each day as it comes and surround yourself with friends and family for the hard days. For the good days try and take steps into the future

@ThisGirlisHere im in a very similar situation as you and it really is such a shock, I can't believe this is my life now.

Try to be practical about what needs to get done next, even just the very next step and try to speak to some friends or family so you have support irnjust so you don't have to put a brave face on with everyone.

Its difficult trying to accept something that feels so sudden, I seem to move from acceptance to imagining what it would be like if life could go back to the way it was. But it can't, and wont. And now its just about planning your next steps for you and your children.

Take it a day, or an hour at a time, and be kind to yourself.

I'm very sorry but like others I believe there will be someone else. He is months ahead of you in this decision. Of course he wants to stay friends as he doesn't want to feel guilty. He wants to arrange an easy break up . Of course he is crying . As for living in the same house no. Sleeping in the same bed no! I know at this stage that you cannot imagine life without him - many of us have been there and we all thought that. You will be in shock and it is horrible. In order to move on with this you have to ask him to find somewhere else to live. You then get the space you need to start thinking and organising things. Of course you feel all of those things. It's natural. He's made a decision but he doesn't get to dictate what happens going forward.