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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Am I being selfish for wanting more?

7 replies

Onefrogtwofrogthreefrog4 · 11/09/2025 21:04

So, I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, married for 10. We got together when I was a teenager. We have kids together. The last few years I feel like we’ve grown really far apart. We have sex about twice a year (even though I’ve spoken to him about it many many times, it’s always me initiating, I told him how it makes me feel, asked if he just doesn’t find me attractive anymore etc but he says he’s just too tired). We don’t hold hands, kiss or spend anytime together at all. All we do is work, look after the kids or watch tv. I’ve told him many times that I feel like our relationship is falling into roommates territory but he just doesn’t really answer. If we go on a date night it’s because I’ve organised it all (i had to organise my own Mother’s Day this year as he just hadn’t bothered to sort anything out). He’s a great guy and an amazing dad. The kids adore him, but I feel like I want more, I want someone who wants to talk to me, who listens to me (when I talk to him he just stares at his phone) and who fancies me tbh. I’m feeling like I really want a divorce, but am I being selfish as it’s nothing to do with how he is with the kids and he isn’t abusive at all I just want more in a relationship. Before you suggest I talk to him, I have a lot, I’ve even suggested counselling but he said no. What would you do?? Help!? Thank you

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 11/09/2025 21:11

He won’t go to counselling. And he wont change, so you have the choice to stay or go. I’d show I was serious and book an appt with a lawyer, see what I might be due, the steps to take etc. Life’s short, you deserve to be happy.

Icanttakethisanymore · 11/09/2025 21:12

I imagine there must be lots of relationships like this and I guess some people stay and some people leave. It seems clear from what you have said that things aren't changing so assuming that's the case, there are two choices;

  1. Accept things the way they are and make the best of it.
  2. Leave and home to forge a happier life single / ultimately with a new partner

How old are the kids?

Geiirksns · 11/09/2025 21:20

Not selfish - he’s not going to change because this situation suits him and to be brutal he doesn’t care about you enough if he knows you aren’t happy but won’t put the effort into changing things

Affection, care, connection and sex are not small things - they’re massive parts of life and it’s not selfish to want and need those

Shoemadlady · 11/09/2025 21:26

If he’s not prepared to change / even entertain counselling I think that tells you how valued you and the relationship is.
j was in the mirror image of this 3 years ago, I left and it was the best decision I ever made. It’s like I have a happy life again and the kids are so much happier too now

FeistyFrankie · 12/09/2025 01:44

Sounds miserable, OP. Please don't minimise how badly he is treating you simply because he's good with the kids/doesn't hit you. It sounds like he mentally checked out a while ago.

You've tried talking, but it's fallen on deaf ears. Time for action.

Oh btw - he will absolutely get his arse in gear when he sees you're actually serious. But he'll eventually go back to the same old him, because this is who he is and it doesn't sound like he's willing to really honour your needs in the relationship.

LemonTT · 12/09/2025 10:56

In all likelihood your current situation will just descend into a really bad marriage. You will either be miserable and increasingly angry or frustrated without the emotional and physical attention you need or you will seek that elsewhere. He might too. Then you have a recipe for toxicity and the bad marriage becomes the bad divorce.

It is far better to end things before that level of anger and bitterness festers and materialises.

The thing you need to do for your children is not to compound a bad marriage with a bad divorce.

AutumnFroglets · 12/09/2025 11:25

If he refuses therapy or even GP (could he be depressed or have ED?) then you have two choices really.

Continue to stay as you are until he decides to leave or you die, depressed, frustrated and angry.
OR
You leave. Very probably have a happier, more fulfilling life.

Yes both options seem extreme but that is actually your reality. I personally think you will leave at some point but will you continue to be unhappy and becoming more resentful for 2 years or for 10/20 years before leaving?

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