How did you stay strong while leaving a toxic/abusive marriage and coparenting?

[prettytoxic]

How can they act so calm and happy and lovely to everyone else yet so cold and uncaring towards the person they married and had a child with? I don’t understand and it makes me think maybe he’s right and I am the problem. I feel so wobbly, like I want to be strong but I can’t find my ground underneath me. I spoke to a domestic violence support advisor yesterday and they confirmed that my husband is emotionally abusive and physically abusive (although I would add these incidents have been rare and closer to physical intimidation as I’ve never been physically hurt)

They also said he shows signs of coercive control which are unlikely to get better and may get worse when we officially separate. I hope this isn’t true for him as I do believe he’s a good person at heart but I’m grateful to have awareness too so I can prepare.

I need to be strong and like my best self for my child. He’s being extra controlling and I feel I have little say in parenting at the moment unless I want to have more silent treatment/hostility in our home.

I think I need more support/friends but I have none nearby and am not exactly my best self right now (no money and feeling close to breakdown emotionally). So probably not the best time to be a social butterfly.

I’m wondering if having a proper exit plan will help me, I’m going to contact the local council today to find out if I would be eligible for housing. I don’t know how this would work with our child/coparenting though. I don’t want to cause trauma by uprooting her from her family home where we currently live. It all feels impossible to navigate well and this is what has kept me stuck for so long. I don’t want to hurt her but staying here is ultimately destroying me as her mother.

It feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place as I know he will fight for her to live with him even though I have always been her secure person she turns to for help with feelings and the one who does all her bedtimes and who she calls for if she wakes up in the night, etc. I worry that ultimately I may end up pushed from her life and things will be worse if I leave.

I know staying out of fear is not the solution though. So…my question:

How did you manage to stay strong while you were leaving/navigating separation and what helped you most?

I really don't know. It was the worst three years of my life.
Friends, domestic abuse org, therapy...
Good luck.

Hi OP. Support from women’s aid was an enormous help during the separation process. A Co parenting app is something I wish I’d had earlier, we use Our Family Wizard but there are some free ones, keeps the communication civilised.

Close friends helped me the most. I didn't leave though, I was blindsided and left. I'd been completely deconstructed and was in very bad shape for sometime.

You don't need to be your best self. You just need to get out and survive.

My advice is to leave asap. Can you move to where you will have support?

I’m sorry 😔 It’s awful isn’t it, I never thought I’d end up here. But I guess nobody imagines this outcome when they marry or have a child with someone.

Maybe there’s a silver lining in this experience even if I can’t see it yet, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself.

I am thinking not as my child is in school locally and is settled here. I could in the medium to longer term move somewhere locally with better transport links to visit friends and where I could potentially make new connections though. It isn’t ideal but I know I will need to do what’s in my child’s best interests even if I don’t feel great living here. My next step is likely council housing for now until we sell our home.

Gp- refer to counselling
Set up your exit plan, don't tell him a thing, then move out. Once you've moved everything out then message him and tell him you've moved out.
Use Our Family Wizard for all communication, inform him and block.
While you are planning, remove important documents and enough for an overnight bag to a friend or family members who can be trusted. Emergency bag just in case.
Lean on Family, friends.
Inform school.
In my experience we moved out, I felt awful the kids would lose their home. The moment we moved here the kids were calmer, the tension was gone, we all felt more at ease. It took time to get used to. So don't worry about them losing their home. Home is where you feel safe and loved, and you can do that in a new place.
Write a list now of why you wanted out of the relationship, both for you and your children. Then when you doubt your decision re-read the list. It will remind you and stop you doubting yourself.

Moving out with family
borrowing money
friends
counselling
mute and archive in whatsapp

I had support and resources. I made loads of mistakes but I know I had to protect myself and get out

Call Shelter the housing charity. Get out as soon as you can. Read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft - there are free pdfs online.
Try to join a community of women who have experienced abuse.

I was with Clare Walker consultancy who offer courses online Victims Of Coercive Experience – Clare Walker Consulting https://share.google/lX8U3ACsW6GPMUl9Q

They have a programme called Voice and a WhatsApp support group that was a lifeline to me. It was free when I did it.

You can call them and explain your situation and they'll say how they can help.

Otherwise try to do the Freedom Programme online.

Living in families with emotional abuse traumatises children. Moving out of family homes does not.

Therapy with someone who was experienced in emotional abuse was my life line. I had good friends to talk to but I felt a huge amount of shame and embarrassment, and that I was the problem so I couldn’t really share what went on. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple and he was a great family guy. The therapist helped me understand what had really happened.

i hope you can get the support you need. You can do it - you are already strong for knowing that staying out of fear isn’t the solution.

Grey stone it's a technique for dealing with abusers

Read the book why does he do that

And this

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/fp.pdf

I am in agreement with you 100% in general. But in my case, my child is not being directly abused and I think it would seem to her that I am the one taking her away from her family home for no reason. Would this ruin our bond? Would she forgive me? And of course I can't tell her the truth of the situation (eg that her father is abusive), as I wouldn't want to ruin their relationship or be accused of parental alienation. As I type this I'm so disappointed that I'm in this situation because of his behaviour :(

How old is your daughter? I think that makes a difference to how to frame this.

But although you say she doesn't experience the abuse directly, her observing it, or even the tension she feels in the house... it is affecting her.

Yes, that’s definitely true, sadly. She’s 5.

My children were 5 and 8 when I moved out of the family home (emotionally abusive partner) and the actual moving house part didn’t cause them any trauma at all, though currently they do go back to their original home to spend time with their dad. I think selling that house is going to be tough for them but it has to happen (once exP pulls his finger out and agrees to sell it, but that’s another story). Staying together was definitely damaging them, my older child could see it, the younger (same age as yours) less so, but I’m sure he was aware of it (he certainly heard enough to be) and it does do damage on a deeper level.
but agree with what others have said, lean on friends if you can, make a plan, know that it will be hard but that once you’re out you can start your life. My ex didn’t behave as I expected and actually has been “well behaved” mostly since I left, but I know that’s not everyone’s experience - but “well behaved” means I’m still absolutely being controlled and feel I have no choice in a million things, and he’s still the boss 😔 waiting to start counselling as I really need to find a way to manage this dynamic better but it’s early days (5 months in) and I still know I did the right thing in leaving.

Aw I feel for you. My two were 5 and 19 months, the family home ex still lives in and refuses to buy me out/sell, long story, so the kids go there every other weekend.

My now 6.5 year old remembers me living there just. But he has only blamed me once for taking them away, directly after a weekend contact with dad. It mirrored exactly the words that dad had said to me previously, and my 6 year old said daddy had told them I had split the family up/taken them away from their home, dad refuses to call our now house their home as we live with my parents. But the kids see through this, they call it home, they want to come home, they love it here as we have made their room their own. You'd be surprised, I think your 5 year old will be okay if it is made an adventure. Put photos and artwork up. She will feel at peace very quickly there once the friction has gone.

However, I mean this kindly, you will need to put boundaries in place with yiur ex so that your peace isn't ruined. You don't want to be having him texting you all day and your mood being affected by his antics. Set aside a time to sort out his stuff, don't let it consume you so you can then focus on creating the peaceful home with your daughter.

The best piece of advice I was given, was to get another email address, phone number and mobile. Give everyone one else the new contact details but have all comms from ex and all solicitor correspondence on the other device, so you have to make a conscious effort to go and check it. It's so much better for your mental health if you're not suddenly blindsided by some random abuse. It can just be a crappy old mobile that would otherwise be thrown away. I had to give schools the old details as they were a bit careless with confidentiality - but you can set up an email forward, so you don't miss anything.

Therapy which brought Clarity. Close friends that brought Comfort. Lawyers that brought Closure!

Good luck. It is the worst time in any person's life but it does get better. I can testify to that. I am happier today than I have been in a long long time, and it took getting out to bring me here. You will get there too!

I chose to move out as I knew my ex never would. My child was 7 at the time & immediately said how much he preferred the new home. I did lots of little things to make it feel like his home (eg a mug with his favourite character on, a plant I knew he’d like, got a cheap milk frother because he’d always wanted one) & also then gave him as much choice as possible; so he chose what pictures to put on his wall (I bought a couple of magazines for him to cut out posters from) & where to put the toys we brought…just really made him feel an equal partner in making the home. He still says he prefers it to the family home my emotionally abusive ex is still in. I think you can do a LOT with being caring & thoughtful about small things. Even things like: I spent £1 on a box of chalks so he could decorate the pavement outside the front door & make it feel his, & now we still use the chalks for hopscotch etc. He noticed the care I had put in & commented on it. When he’s here he gets a lot more say in things and it’s a lot happier and calmer and he notices that too.

How are you doing @prettytoxic. Been thinking of you and hope it's going well getting untangled from the ex