Background
Married 22 years and together for 7 prior
2 children 17 and 20. 17 year old last year of A levels and 20 year old starting university finally.
17 yo is ASD/ ADHD and has been very challenging over the years - late diagnosis. 20 yo easier but not by much!
marriage on the rocks at least for last 5 years as working full time plus and challenging kids put a big strain. HB was good practically but has his own serious trauma issues which he only decided to get therapy for much later at 60 when facing redundancy. This opened Pandora’s box. He has always been quite an avoidant but although loving in the early days our parenting styles clash and are polar opposites. I feel he has undermined me with regard to things like homework, turning up to school on time, general manners and respectful behaviour in the home.
He also used to be what I would call a workaholic/ alcoholic - but more a binge drinker at weekends and got more and more angry nasty and during therapy very nasty. He has definitely worked on himself however , found new hobbies, reduced drinking and not so bothered about work. All things I encouraged and helped with. However he hasn’t tried to include me in any of these new things.
He is now at the point where he blames me for being too tough on the kids and Iam ‘too much’ in general. I am paying privately for family therapy to help us understand the dynamic and try to resolve conflict better as neither of us have been good listeners. Despite all of this negative stuff, we have really loved each other and had fun times over the years although I’ve also felt very resentful over the years. I worry I’ve started to expect slot more from the relationship. I know I’m also to blame aswell as I’m not perfect by any means and probably my resentment turned to nagging, bring up things at the wrong time
But there was never a right time. I’ve been burnt out, overwhelmed and he doesn’t see how to support me and instead I’m criticised. He also mocks me when I’m anxious as it irritates him.
We got to the point last week where the family therapist asked us if we were prepared to invest in building a bridge across to the other. I agreed to try whereas husband said he would take it day by day- indicating almost like I was on some sort of personal improvement plan.
It’s made me so cross given that his behaviours are not great. Do I go along with this or accept that his feelings must have changed and it’s time for the next stage. I’m terrified of being on my own and exhausted at the thought of selling house especially for my children’s sake. I cannot afford to rent for a year. Our outgoings are extortionate and need both salaries .We earn great salaries but they are swallowed up and a divorce would destroy us. Financially I’d be much worse off. If he was willing to put the effort in I would really try.uBut I worry if he already is debating it nothing will change and what I’m now hearing is proof that I ve been right all along and in fact he just isn’t interested in a partnership with me especially post kids.
I feel I’ve lost all my self worth and at 55 cannot imagine trying to find another man. I know on some levels I deserve a lot better. But I think I would be so wary now.
Do I keep trying? I am determined to keep my dignity.Is it possible for change at this late stage in life after a long marriage with the help of a family therapist. I appreciate both people need to be committed. It may not be my choice in the end anyway. I just need to know how long I keep trying.