Looking for positive stories around children adjusting to separation or just general reassurance. Long story. I’m leaving my husband next month. Ten years of living with unpredictable moods, constant negativity, walking on eggshells, name calling and emotionally lashing out when he’s feeling challenged. Much of it has been triggered by stress of his business which has been a huge money pit and put me in a position where I’ve had to work full time in a high pressured, very stressful role straight from maternity leave. I also had to contribute as a fully time employee over the course of my maternity as he could not support us. Over the years I’ve supported emotionally and financially while also looking after our little children when I can including all the night waking (I breastfed both and breastfed our second child until he was three) and it has drained me. Broken me. My husband has been in a state of chronic crisis for ten years and at times suicidal. I have felt paralysed and trapped trying to meet everyone’s needs to keep the peace and ensure everyone is ok in our home. It has led me to burn out.
It’s not been all bad, sometimes life has been more settled and he is a good person really, just behaved badly at times when stress was high and when our children were young and hard work.
Last year it got to a point where the misery was manifesting in my physically. He was so miserable, every single day, he constantly referred to life being fruitless and he was so angry at the world. The financial situation was dire and I could see no light at the end of the tunnel after ten years of hardship and stress. The emotional abuse although intermittent felt like it was erasing all that I was and the unpredictability of it had my nervous system fried. I told him I’m done but we drifted on living together with no practical solution to part ways. I’m in a good financial position as my job is well paid so I made various suggestions all of which he declined because his own financial position is such a mess. So we carried on, just living together but now without emotional abuse and less of the moods and the eggshells because overnight he became a better person with the threat of our marriage ending. We had some marriage therapy and it was helpful but I feel broken and at times the way he showed up in those sessions did not convince me he was really taking full responsibility.
He absolutely does not want this and has made some very radical changes since a I made this decision. It’s been almost 9 months and the change seems to have been sustained change albeit with the occasional incident, again, always because of some kind of stressful trigger.
out of the blue a work colleague offered me her house as her tenant was in the process of moving on. My husband flatly refused to move out as he could not afford rent so with this opportunity arising and at a cheaper price than usual rentals I decided I would move out.
I’m PETRIFIED that our children will not only be unsettled and devastated when this happens they will refuse to stay with me once I leave. I have a month crossover to make the other house as homely and welcoming as I can as we plan to bird nest initially and I will decorate their room but I know this is not going to entice my children, particularly my eldest who is nine and very attached to his home and routines. The other factor here is we have a little dog who they adore and as I don’t know what the future holds I can not get a pet in this new house. My children (5&9) will also need to share a room and my eldest will struggle with this due to his sensitivities. It’s the best I can do financially. Moving out will be incredibly expensive so it will be a challenging time for me
I am also totally devastated and sick with anxiety about leaving and do not want to be away from my children for even a day but I’m too afraid to give my husband another chance at this point in time.
Despite everything I love my husband and he is a good person but I’m not sure I can forgive and move on from the emotional and financial chokehold he’s had me in for so long and I feel somewhat traumatised from the unpredictable emotional abuse. He is working hard to change and I’m seeing the positive results. He himself says this needed to happen and is the wake up call he needed however so much has happened. At the very least I need this time apart to reflect. I’m incredibly sad and scared. I have suggested we have the children 50/50 as they children are incredibly attached to him, he has done a lot of childcare since I had to go back to work and he is a brilliant dad now that the children are older.
I’m looking for reassurance that my children will settle and come around to the idea of staying with me eventually. It feels so unfair that my husband has put me through all of this and I have to leave. I’m so so sad and feeling very fragile so only positive stories and kindness is needed here
thank you