How do you know it is over?

[Anonymous1011]

I posted earlier this year about problems I was having in my marriage.
Since then I’ve been in counselling and just made the decision to leave my dh a few days ago. We have no DC.

It is an accumulation of 6+ years of what has felt like emotional abuse at points.
He speaks down to me, gets angry at me for disagreeing with him, and somwtimes his behaviour is just frightening. On a more regular basis he is unkind towards me and moody.
In a lot of other ways he is very kind and thoughtful and considerate and I will miss parts of him so much. I feel like we could have had this wonderful marriage and it’s just not been. But maybe who I thought he was, isn’t really who he is.
I don’t think he’s intentionally like this, I think there’s a lot of issues going on that cause him insecurity and so on.

he is trying to persuade me for another chance now and I’ve held strong with saying no so far.
He promises to work on his issues and is acknowledging them. Deep down I would love to try again but his behaviour has had me on an emotional rollercoaster that has left me feeling so shaken and emotionally unwell in the last few years. I just don’t believe he can change ‘just like that’ otherwise he would have done that already?

I feel so guilty for upsetting his life, even though I know I’ve given him so many chances and tried to make things better. I’m feeling so scared about the prospect of living alone too and the whole prospect of divorcing and life after.
In terms of splitting up, I would be able to buy him out of our house (he wouldn’t stay in the area) , I have friends and family close by, I enjoy my own company, and I am very practical round the house and it is me who does most things especially diy etc. So I know in a lot of ways I should be feeling more secure? and yet I feel quite incapacitated at the thought of all the responsibility of running a home. Is this just my mind trying to lead me back to him? Fear of the unknown etc.
I am 34 this year but I feel so unprepared. I’ve never lived alone before. And I do still love him and want a life with him.

I guess I could do with some encouraging words and a bit of a hand hold. I just feel so heartbroken, scared and like it would be easier to give him another chance. But am I just going to be hurt again?

In a similar boat myself, although DH is not unkind often, just distant, and stubborn, unfortunately I can’t cope with it anymore.

There is no way I would accept your DH behaviour, and I’ve learnt it’s hard to leave someone you love, in a bid to put yourself first. This doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision though. I’m about 4 months into therapy, and it’s really helped me see what I want from my life isn’t here, as sad as that is.

I guess you know it’s over when the pain outweighs the pleasure. That said, we’re capable of convincing ourselves we’re overreacting etc. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like giving him yet another chance would be just putting off the inevitable. It’s really normal to feel panicky, sad and doubtful. This isn’t the way you wanted your marriage to pan out but you deserve better & you’d be better being single (apparently the happiest group out there - single women & married men) than continuing to put up with this behaviour. You sound in a good position to make a success of life without him, so ultimately it’s your call. I wish you well