Separation with autistic children

[Minkyscamp]

Does anyone have any experience to share about how this was for them? I’ve just told my DH that I can’t see us having a romantic relationship any more. We’ve been co-parenting now for years, and the resentment is building. He sees a future for us, I really don’t.

I think we will need to separate, but we have two autistic kids and the thought of what it will mean for them is really scary. They are 9 and 11. Both have had real issues with school due to their autism and anxiety. The youngest has been out of school for 2 years now and is just getting back to some carefully selected activities and online learning. The eldest is in autistic burnout and no able to do much at all, but we are hoping he will start online school in the future.

Both are very dependent on me 24/7. I’ve always been their ‘safe’ person, and have had to be at home fulltime with them for some years now. My DH and I are both lawyers, but I stopped working a few years back as the kids needed me at home full time. He is now a high earner, and I earn nothing and that won’t change any time soon.

I’ve a million questions about splitting equity/CMA/spousal maintenance etc. But for now my main concern is the children and how to deal with the change that’s going to be so so hard for them. Any insight or experiences would be really helpful. As would any words of advice.

How high is high op?
and what assets are there?

in terms of children - how do you envisage child arrangements? Will your ex agree those? Moving between houses is likely to be problematic for them. How do you envisage managing that ?

do they have echp?

Do you mind if I just join here as I will probably be in the same boat very soon? Once I have built up the courage to have that conversation with DH.

DD is nearly 11and also autistic, struggling with EBSA on and off through Primary and I am most definitely the safe person. I have absolutely no idea how she will cope with co-parenting as I am around most of the time and DH is quite unpredictable in his behaviours (which is why we need to separate).

It doesn't help that DH and I are ND too.

Would your DH want 50/50 in terms of living arrangements or do you think he'd be willing to explore what options might work best for ND children?

Are you able to claim DLA and Carers Allowance and have you used the Turn2Us calculator to see how much support you can get in Universal Credit? I found this helpful for me as I have a clearer picture of the support available.

Hope someone comes along with some more suggestions and advice for you.

I had no choice he broke up with me, the kids will adapt

@millymollymoomooapprox £200k
just a house with about £400 equity, about £160 savings and both have tiny pensions - we’ve been a bit rubbish with money and have only just come into the savings sum through selling off some land.

i envisage having the kids most of the time. I expect it will be easiest if they stay in the house with me (wherever that is) and he comes at a weekend and I vacate? Not sure if that might be a good option to start with at least.

one has EHCP and has an EOTAS package which I coordinate. The other no - but will be homeschooled.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymoreIm sorry you’re in this awful situation too.
yes I’ve just started receiving DLA and CA but I’ll look at that calculator- that sounds useful thanks.
DH would never want 50/50. He adores the kids but he doesn’t understand them like I do (I’m also AuDHD) and they don’t always respond to him that well. He works hard and family life is just too much for him I think.
Would love to keep this going and try and support each other if you’d like that too.

@MonsterBooI’m sorry. Hope things are improving for you all now.

Very happy to support, it's definitely not a straightforward separation so nice to have company.

I think DH would like to be very involved but not necessarily overnight.

Thing is op you’re divorcing. Which means things change. If he agrees you staying at home and kids remaining with you and he comes o er at weekends that’s fine. But if he doesn’t, im
not sure a court would either.

do you plan on selling the house? What share of assets are you expecting? You’ll probably get somewhere in region of £2k per month cms so it’s unlikely spousal on top ( especially if you get higher share of assets). Plus spousal could impact any uc you might be entitled to,

atm it all sounds based on what you want, to stay at home, go home school, for ex to just come over at weekends ( I’d hate that if I was him ). He might agree. In which case fine. He might agree for short term but not long term. Ie might want his own home and got kids to go there at weekends.

have you have any discussions re what will happen financially ? What he thinks re children and schooling etc? But it sounds like you expect everything to stay the sane for you and kids with their dad just moving out /keaving and paying for everything. . And that may well not be the outcome

Btw I don’t mean you’re selfish and sure you’re trying to think of the children, but if he doesn’t agree you might not get what you hope for

It is a tricky situation though, with kids who aren't able to attend school and thus are extra dependent on us mother's, who would probably struggle to have two homes.

I sometimes wonder if a Christine and Paddy McGuiness type arrangement would work, who still live together after their divorce but take turns to be away from the home. They have 3 autistic children. Problem for me is that my 'D'H isn't always that nice to be around and ideally I want a safe calm home for DD. Even if she did then spend time at her dad's.

For 3 years I've been wanting to leave but this is what holds me back. How on earth it would work for DD.

Yes I’ve often wondered if we could make that work. Or even just continue living together but have separate lives. Not ideal, but potentially the option with least upheaval. I don’t know whether he would go for that, but I agree the Paddy/Christine example is a good one.

I guess it depends on the dynamics and how amicable you can be. It could be a starting point perhaps then to be reconsider after x months have passed. Things change as the kids get older as well.

@ I’m wondering about nesting? So you remain in family home, and also purchase a small studio apartment. You continue to provide almost all of the care of the children to maintain consistency.
Dad continues to financially support both homes.
He agrees contact times so you and the children know exactly when it will happen. You look forward to your breaks in the studio apartment when dad is in the family home with the children. And then you swap.

Dad may not be willing to support financially both homes.
he might. Might not

op needs to start discussing things with her husband. Because currently the expectation seems to be - kids will continue to be homeschooled and the other stay where they are, op continue not to work, op continue to do all kids care, op ex just comes over to a property he doesn’t own at weekends, ex pays large sums cms ( op possibly also expecting spousal and I presume higher share of assets)

op ex might agree this
he might agree for a period ( eg till youngest 18 perhaps)Then what

he may actually say no I’m not going thst
he might lose his job ( AI, markets etc)

conversations definitely needed to at least start the ball rolling