How did your DC cope with separation?

[Mumoftwojune]

Hi everyone, looking for some insight into how other people’s DC coped in the immediate aftermath of your separation / divorce and how did it affect them?
For those who are several years down the line, do you think it’s had any lasting impact on them emotionally, or changed their life outcomes in anyway?

I came from a home with Mum and Dad together and can’t really imagine how I would have felt if the home had been split. Insights also welcome if you, yourself were bought up with separated parents.

For context,
I have two children, 11 and almost 9.
I do believe the separation of me and their Dad will be a shock to them as our problems don’t generally manifest into blazing rows, it’s more under the surface issues that cannot be fixed.

Thank you.

Anyone?

My dd8 was very sad, horribly shocked and howling when told, came in to my bed most mornings for weeks crying/sad. My ds7 has been less outwardly emotional but resists talking about it when my dd brings it up so is clearly affected. We talk about it very openly and acknowledge the sadness but I try to just reiterate how much we both love them and that change is ok etc etc. It can be hard to answer some questions as my DH left me so they ask me why i'm not with him if i'm sad about it etc, but i feel that making sure they don't feel torn/stuck in the middle etc is important so I try to explain that we weren't right together romantically but I still love him. No idea what the impact will be down the road. They're doing amazingly over all but I dread to think the impact to their security and self esteem. I will never really forgive him for causing so much pain.

My Dds were 13 and 20. The eldest coped well, being at Uni. The youngest was initially very upset. I think this is inevitable… but I think that the depth of the damage depends on your own outward reactions. Children can recover well from divorce but they take their lead from the parents. If the parents are functioning well, or can give the impression of doing so, the children are more likely to cope well.
It’s definitely not ideal, and I too will never forgive exDH for causing them any pain at all, in his endless pursuit of re- invention. However, you can minimise the effects.

My DD both now say it wasn’t that bad, and that our lives weren’t very different before and after he left. They say he was never really around and when he was, he wasn’t very engaged anyway !

Hi, thank you for replying. This is so sad, I’m so sorry. The way you describe your DD is exactly how I feel my 8 yo DD will be.
It’s a scary prospect but sadly one that seems inevitable. I think my older daughter will be like your son. Not sure which is worse / better tbh 😔
You sound like a brilliant mummy who’s putting the kids before your own feelings. Lots of love to you x

Thank you for your reply. I am glad in the long run your girls fared well.
I think the point you make regarding potential damage being limited by the parents outward display is really valid and I do hope that for the sake of the girls we can definitely remain civil and do a decent job of co parenting.

I’m not saying it’s the co parenting that’s critical as not all people manage that. My ex and I don’t speak, so we don’t do co parenting- he just isn’t interested in any of his children past or present. So with my two I do it all !
Obviously if you can co parent that’s ideal but many men can’t or just won’t do that. What I meant is that the critical thing is how you project what the effects are . If you give out the message that maybe yes you’d rather it hadn’t happened, but in fact, you are doing really well, and there is little practical difference in your daily lives, and you have fun times, then that’s the message they take home.
i know someone who was devastated when her DH left and she repeatedly said ‘ he ruined my life’ . The children absorbed that message, and as adults, they will still say that their lives were ruined.

What I think is, to protect your children, if you as the main parent, project a message that life is good, then it will be.
I know that’s tough- but I do think it works!
We are 5 years post divorce. My youngest sees her father twice a year when he suggests it (even though he lives only an hour away)! Last time she saw him, when she got back she hugged me and my boyfriend and said “thank goodness that’s over, this is my nice family”!

It was horrendous. My son ended up having tests in hospital due to what turned out to be stress related ailments. He didn't eat solid food for weeks. I don't even like to think about that time.

Awful @Almostwelsh that sounds so difficult. How old was he?

He was 9 at the time