What would my life be like

[Lucie390]

I’m really struggling. I’ve been married 20 years, have 1 child 19 and 1 child 16. My husband is very unreasonable. Says I’m a soft parent and this is where the crux of all problems lie, he thinks I’m a pushover where as I often agree with what he’s saying he’s just so grumpy and harsh, not how a loving father should be. I’ve got to a stage where I just don’t want this. This isn’t a recent thing but things have decline beyond repair. I have tried for the past 2 years. He’s checked out. I’m heartbroken.

Can anyone who’s been through this shed some positivity please. I’m 45 and we’ve been together since I was 19. I’m very independent and not scared to be alone but I am scared of making a life changing decision. He is very stubborn and of the mindset this is how he is.

We own our own house outright. We both worked hard and paid our mortgage off in full £500k. We have about £100k in savings. I don’t work and he pays for child no1 university fees. Child 2 is at college. How would my life look financially, this does worry me. Thank you

I just want to say good luck and stay strong x

Why aren't you working?

Because I’ve worked pretty much full time since our children were little (he worked away a lot so I held down the fort, looked after kids and worked for 14 years.. it was A LOT !!)

We are now in a financial position where I don’t have to. My husband covers all the bills and anything I need.

50:50 on all assets ie house equity, pensions savings etc

I got divorced in a similar situation, although I worked part time.

i bought a house in a much cheaper area. The child at uni continued to be supported by ExH.
the child at college went to uni and declared estrangement (we’d left after a violent incident).

student finance accepted our evidence of estrangement.

i got a house that had three bedrooms so space for all of us if needed. The older one came back for a summer after graduation while sorting out his job and flat.

realistically you’d need to get a job.

the equity in your house should buy you another one but not necessarily in the same area. Savings will help put your two kids through uni.

but living costs even with no rent are quite high. Council tax plus electric, water, gas, running a car etc all cost money.

It looks as though you’d be set up well financially, depending on what house prices are like in your area. I do think it would be necessary for you to look for full time employment, for living costs, if you went down this route. Maybe this is something you could look into? It’s a big decision for you to make but your happiness is paramount. Good luck.

I’m happy to get a job. It’s just a worry, a lot to cope with when ive had that safety net.

I am open to moving to a cheaper area also.

How long can I expect my husband to support child no2 at college. She doesn’t want to go to uni and has just turned 16. I don’t doubt he’ll support her but for how long due to her age.

You'd have half of all assets so 300k based on the above plus a share of his pension. And he a share of yours potentially.

Talk to a lawyer about all this because offsetting may be an option. For example I didn't touch some of my ex H assets but I had all the house equity etc.

You'd need to work for definite.

Be prepared to be single. Dating at this age is just awful. An absolute waste of space.

Leave because you can't bear to be with him definitely, but not because you think there's some big love out there. There really really isn't sadly.

I don't see the issue. You have enough assets. You'd be able to work and support daughter considering you say you are independent

Don't trade pension for equity. You will be expected to work. Legally he doesn't need to support children after age of 18.

In my financial agreement it includes us splitting costs for tertiary education should our son carry on eg to university after he is 18.

Definitely worth including in your agreement so half of university costs are paid for by your ex.

Thank you. It’s so difficult. It’s not that I can’t bear to be with him but he won’t make any of the changes I need from him to be able to stay. I do not want to look back on my life and for my children to see I facilitated his behaviour (he has terrible ocd, we all live trying manage his demands. He’s not v loving and is very difficult in general to be around).

This is a v heavy decision to make.

Yes I’m happy to work that’s fine.

I have almost identical circumstances to you (but house worth slightly less, half your savings and I do work) with kids same age. I’m almost a year out from leaving and it’s been rubbish, but I’m coming out of the other side.

I thought my husband had checked out too after years of drifting and horrible behaviour (which I now recognise as emotional manipulation at best, abuse at worst), but that all changed when I tried to leave, and then eventually left. Let’s just say I was suddenly the love of his life and he couldn’t be without me despite him stonewalling me and my daughter for a month over redecorating her bedroom.

I’ve had a year long fight to get what I’m entitled to as he held access to our savings and needed to buy me out of the house. Will your husband be able to afford to buy you out or are you going to have to sell? That £250k you own is fictional at the moment. Are you planning to live together until this is resolved or move out?

I moved out because of the emotional toll of trying live with him and go through this and I think this last year has cost me about £25k in rental, legal fees (doing it on the cheap too!), furnishing a new house from scratch and now the costs to purchase a new house. My savings have been decimated and I have 0% credit card debt.

We’ve eventually agreed a 50/50 split on house and savings at time of split (although I’ve used all my half up now), and then 60/40 to him on our pensions plus a BTL we have as he’s closer to retirement and I’m a bit younger.

He’s buying me out so after it’s all gone through I’ll have enough for a 50% deposit on a house plus to pay off my debts, then a £140k mortgage and a reasonable pension (he’s a long term teacher and I’m most recently local government). I am on Universal Credit and have settled with him for 60% of the maintenance I’m due for my daughter as my 19yr old is still with him and in an apprenticeship so he’s supporting him (law doesn’t care about him but I wanted to support).

It’s been horrible (emotional abuse which has transcended into financial abuse) and has taken a massive toll on my mental health but with counselling and medication, I’m coming out the other side and our divorce should be finalised in November. I’ve met someone new which has been a developing friendship and have had my eyes well and truly opened to what a different relationship can look like. Like you I was with my husband from young (18 - we bought a house together then) and I am so glad I left for me.

The moral of my story…life is too short to be unhappy BUT the grass definitely gets muddy before it gets greener! Good
luck!

He will have to support your second child until they’re 18. There is no obligation on him to support them after that age, even if they do go to uni (though he may choose to support them beyond 18).

Unfortunately you can’t expect that safety net if you divorce.

you will either need to work to support yourself or use the assets to do so.

Your ex won’t need to support you if your 16yo beyond 18 unless they choose to

There is no doubt that divorce makes both parties poorer but that's how it goes. It sounds like he would have a good pension. Do you know the worth of that? You need to put the wheels in motion. My experience is that the longer women dither about the longer it gives their husband to mess about with money.
Have you had the discussion with him about his willingness to support the younger child? You need facts to go on not guessing.