My son is 11yo with severe ADHD with autistic traits. His Dad and I divorced 6 years ago after he cheated. It was not amicable and it broke me into thousands of pieces. Dad has contact every second weekend only and occasional weeks in the holidays. I have tried to increase the contact but have now given up.
I am about to give my son his first phone. This obviously means he can contact his Dad and Dad can contact him. We’ve never really done phone calls, the kids usually don’t want to speak to him and over the years there’s been periods where the children have often refused contact.
How do I establish a healthy system for my son to contact his Dad? I feel I am about to open up a raft of issues that I don’t even know what they are? My son is impulsive with limited self control. It makes me extremely nervous that we are going from contact every two weeks, to unlimited contact….
I just tried to talk to my son and it ended with him just shouting “You hate Dad! He’s the biggest mistake of your life!”. It’s not true at all, I just feel that my privacy can be violated and I feel really vulnerable and worried that my life can be ‘seen’ by someone that I cannot have in my life? I literally can’t and I’m worried my son will be able to walk round the house on a video call or that Dad will just ring him anytime he wants.
I spent years recovering from what happened and got gaslighted by him about our son. I spent years in therapy processing my son’s conditions, and what his Dad did to me. It was just awful and if I’m honest, will never truly be fully healed. The very thought of even hearing his voice on speaker in my home sends my heart rate up, my palms sweaty etc.
What do I do? I want my son and his Dad to have a relationship of course I do. It’s in the best interest of my son. How do I tell my kids that man destroyed me, I had panic attacks, tried to end my life, I literally cannot hear his voice in my home. Dad has never physically entered my home. I still can’t even bear to look at him after all these years. I also don’t want my son to know how bad it was and how badly I was treated….my son’s conditions make it even harder. Any advice from anyone who has been through this? X