When do you know if it’s time to go

[Amore03]

Hi,

I don’t know if I love my husband enough to stay anymore . Too much has happened. He takes no accountability for what he has done .

I have been with my husband for 38 years , married 34 . We married young . 22 me, he was 24 . He’s funny to everyone on show . Can be nice to me but at a flick of a switch he will turn on me calling me things and say things like I am fat ( which I am not ) because he knows I have huge hang ups about my weight .

We had a great marriage until I found out I had endometriosis. The strain of not having sex because of the pain was immense on his part . He showed on the outside to people how supportive he was by taking me to private clinics to see what could be done . I did get laser treatment and was lucky that no permanent damage was done but the pain was still there . He couldn’t / or didn’t want to understand it . He used to say , you look great on the outside . Blokes probably want to sleep with you but what they don’t know is they won’t get it !

6 years ago I got raped by a stranger and I didn’t say anything to anyone for weeks . I blocked it out because I couldn’t cope . My mental health declined so bad .
The first thing my husband said when he noticed a change was , why am I pushing him away . I couldn’t explain it so I told him . He kept pressurising me to go to the police but I told him I wasn’t strong to go and I didn’t want to . I went to work to get away from him . That afternoon a lady and male detective came to my place of work and asked to talk to me . They interrogated me for 6 hours saying they didn’t believe me , if they find out I am lying they will come for me . I should have reported it because if an 18 year old girl gets raped now it will be my fault . My head was spinning.
I later found out my husband told them where I worked . I wanted to run away I couldn’t be near him , he betrayed me . So I went to my sisters.

Stiil to this day I don’t know why I am still with him . I know I stayed for the boys . They are now adults .
I protected my eldest son because he has ADHD and my husband kept saying he was naughty and out of control . He paid for private assessments with a psychiatrist but never went to a session . Even now as an adult he doesn’t have that closeness as he does with my youngest son . I see my eldest fight for his approval and it brakes my heart .

You already know what the answer is here.

You’ll need to find all of your strength and courage to leave but you have those resources within yourself.

I’d say good luck but actually you don’t need it. Just believe in yourself and you will be ok.

I couldn't read all that as everybody's thresholds are different. But look at it another way (which I did).

Can you stay living like this for another ten or twenty years? Can you visualise what it will be like when he retires and you are 24/7 together with no work respite? If you can't face another twenty years then it's time to leave right now. Why put yourself through another few years knowing you definitely don't want to be with him in ten/twenty years. I left after 45 years together because I couldn't face being with him 24/7 in retirement, the thought made me feel suicidal tbh.