How to stay calm....

[ikeepforgetting]

I really try, I do! And most of the time I am fine and can grey rock. But every now and again my ex will do something so unhelpful or disruptive that I can't keep a lid on how he is still impacting my life.

Quick summary, he left a year ago after 29 years, lots of affairs admitted, who was he really, etc. I am still in family home which is a mistake, but the timing sucks for my DC, with DD doing GCSEs and DS in and out of college with mh problems. I'll sell and split in a couple of years when we are through this bit of school.

An example of his unhelpfulness - he told DS, who is crippled with anxiety currently, about familial heart disease. Cue nightly panic attacks from DS. I asked him to tell me when he was going to talk to him about health stuff, of course he didn't or I would have said not now please.

It is one thing after the other with him. He barely sees the DC as he lives 20 miles away and they are teenagers and can't be bothered. He has created an entirely new narrative starring himself as the real victim and sends versions of this to me on email regularly. He is incredibly emotionally manipulative with all of us. I can see through it, but poor DS feels constantly guilty.

Divorce was stalled for a bit but I am hoping to speed it up now. I just feel like I can't get rid of him - really we should be having no contact at all as the kids have phones but he turns up at the door whenever he feels like it and says it is his house. When he arrives like that my cortisol is through the roof for hours after.

Tell me it can get better! Please!

OP it does get better, but you do have some agency here to make it better now too. 1st, remember you cannot control another's actions (this was a hard lesson for me to learn with my ex husband), you can control how you respond to it though.

A lot of what mine has done has driven me to do exactly what you do - it never gets the reaction I want though - my ex will NEVER admit he made a poor decision (with our kids or otherwise). So why did I keep expecting him to have this great epiphany?

In the last few months, I have dropped the rope almost completely with him. The kids (late teens) now arrange stuff with him directly as I've explained I no longer have the patience and/or 'give a shit' to be involved in facilitating his parenting time or dealing with the crap when they get back here. Originally we had agreed a 50/50 but they've ended up being here 99% of this summer. I explained to the kids that they are welcome to decide how much they see him and they understand why I'm moving away from being so so determined to be fair and reasonable.

There has just been far too many times that, like you, I've had to pick up the pieces because of a decision he's made during his 50%. The latest one being trying to introduce them to his new girlfriend of a month whilst still being in a relationship with someone else. I gave the kids help to state a boundary of No, we aren't comfortable with going along with that. We'll arrange a time when you are free to meet up and spend time with just you. Hence why they haven't seen much of him. His choice.

You are the safest person that they can come to. You are their mum, and the best one at that.

You will still listen to when something has happened that has impacted them. Empathise with them (I know you'll definitely be doing this a lot!) but save your strength and emotional energy for being their best parent. Don't waste your energy on him, let him get on with the narrative. Let him be the normal self absorbed arse that he is.

Oh and feel free to state a boundary of your own regarding his emails. Something like, this email address is to be used to arrange child related logistics only, anything else will be ignored. Another email received without the above will result in me blocking you. Or whatever you are comfortable with. And give the kids the same guidance on what their boundaries are - guilt trips stop today.

I know it'll be hard for a few months yet for you, but I promise, you will not have to do this forever.

Oh thank you so much for this reply @QueenBakingBee , it is just what I needed. It has always been 99% time with me for DCs so he manages to achieve a lot in his 1% (quite the skill!). I will take your excellent advice on board, have just replied to today's missive with a good old thumbs emoji, the passive aggressive weapon of choice!

Change the locks, don't answer the door, ring doorbell so you can check who is there. All things my ex has done to our jointly owned home. Your ex may own part of it, but it is your home and you are entitled to feel safe in your home. I say this knowing I am the one who my ex says is harassing him... all lies as I stay away!

Set up a new email, send it to him and then block him on everything else. Only check that email once a week. Only reply to things that are actually about the kids.

Listen to the kids. Show understanding. Don't criticise.

Mindfulness, breathing exercises, CBT. All really help.

It gets easier. Put your boundaries in place, that really helps.