Unpredictable behaviour is hard work

[Beachlovingirl]

Hi everyone.

I don’t know where to start. We are separated at my request and we live in the same house. Luckily it is a large house and so I’ve moved out of the principle bedroom into one of the other bedrooms.

my H seems obsessed with snooping in my new room. He also questions me on my finances, my choices, accuses me of things.

when we communicate about the children I just stick to the question at hand and all the time he goes off on a tirade about something that is not related to the children. I try and bring it back and he just gets angry. I just want to settle the childcare arrangements day to day but instead I end up in a total panic, red in the face, anxious. I’ve tried talking to him just by text and once again sticking to the question or the topic at hand but that’s even worse! He sends a massive long message which is so angry and abusive I can’t even read it even though I how I have to. And then I’m a right state - trembling etc dreading the next interaction.

i dread to think when I need to discuss Christmas or birthdays or anything really. How can I get through this?

Hi, I’m not sure I have any advice but wanted to respond in solidarity. I am separating from my DH, due to his behaviour, he has instigated the separation. We’re still both living at home for now. One day I get calm, civil DH, the next tears and threats. It’s exhausting.

This sounds very similar to me. Thankfully he left the house. I couldn't live with him, but he is the same. Making snide comments and not able to have a civil conversation about practical things. Any excuse to point out issues in me wanting to seperate. Is there a possibility of one of you leaving? And if he is abusive, please seek support. I am under an amazing service locally who support me in this nightmare.

Put a lock on your bedroom door, download and use only a court approved app for discussing the DC arrangements.

Grey rock anything and everything not to do with DC arrangements.

Be brave and message him by email that you will only use the app from now on due to his ranting and emotional abuse.

His accusations are admissions.

Do not answer his questions. He's trying to get you to react so he can claim victimhood and say you're "the crazy one".

I agree that getting professional support from the likes of Women's Aid will be a great help to you @Beachlovingirl . He is doing whatever he can to make you as uncomfortable and unhappy as he can. Remember this and it will help you with the grey rock.

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-help/
Call them. They will give you advice.
I would suggest getting an overnight bag ready of things you would need and leave it at a family or friend's house just as a safety back up. In it put mportant paperwork, financial, house, birth certificates, passports. Anything memory/precious to you- leave it there too. I don't say this to scare, I say this to prepare.
I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship until we were living together but broken up. I then felt able to talk about things and over several weeks I realised how bag it had been and that I was pretty oblivious to how bad it had become... and it got worse once we split up.
If one of you can leave, do it.
Parenting app, in recomment Our Family Wizard.
Follow LegallyNik on instagram.
Gp- ask for a referral to counselling.
Seek legal advice, don't tell him anything.
Sorry you're going through this. It is tough, the unpredictability definitely is. Hope you're able to find some peace, but it will most likely be you who needs to put boundaries in place and hold them. For yours and your children's best interests.
Contact a Mediator, get them to offer mediation to him. Technically you do not have to go to mediation if abuse is a factor, but I tried as I didn't really see what was happening, but mainly because I wanted to try everything I coukd for my kids. If you reach an agreement, get the mediator to write it up immediately and sign it in session so that you have the evidence if it ends up in court.
Wishing you well.