I don't know what to do

[Totallylostandconfused]

I have been with my husband for 13 years (married for 3). We have two children, 10 and 6.

I love our family but I am not in love with my husband and don't think I ever have been. I've tried telling him I want to separate and it's been 3 months of hell but I'm so unsure what to do.

His response to me being honest has been very volatile. His behaviour at times has been awful and he has got our children involved but then other times he has been so sad and emotional and I think even suicidal. I'm terrified of hurting my family but I'm also terrified of living a lie for the next 50 years.

Is just not being in love enough or am I being selfish?

You have a 10 and 6 year old and got married 3 years ago. Did you feel like you loved him at any of these points? If so what has changed? If not… why did you have kids, why did you get married ??

Have you met someone else?

He cheated 11 years ago (albeit they didn't sleep together). I believe the stress of it caused a miscarriage and I desperately wanted children. I know it's naive but I was young and didn't want to start over, I just desperately wanted to get pregnant again.

Then I just accepted that was my life. We had another child and got married because I made my bed and had to lie in it. I don't for one second regret my children and don't want it to come across that way, they are the greatest things in my life.
But I can't shake the feeling that I got caught up in a relationship too young and will never feel truly in love with my husband.

I don’t know what advice. Or feedback you want.

It is within you gift to end the marriage and separate. This is your decision and if you make it then you have to initiate the split. Do you understand what that means for you financially and practically?

His reaction to what will be one of the biggest and stressful changes in his life is in the range of normal reactions. He will be angry and anxious. There are many posts from women in his situation on here. They are going through the same feelings. That is the inevitable conclusion of a marriage that for whatever reason doesn't work.

if the feelings and functionality needed to be a couple and family aren’t there the marriage will get worse and worse. At some point you will split and there is a trying likelihood that it will be even more messy.

Having stated you want to end the marriage, something the children are aware of, and not either recommitted or ended it you are putting everyone under stress. You can’t say something like that and leave people hanging.

I am so very sorry to hear you are going through this. Getting to the point of deciding to end your marriage especially with young children is such a tremendous step and I know does not come easily but it demonstrates you've given it thought, feel it's right for you and and are paying attention to your intuition.

you mentioned your husband became volatile - are you feeling safe and that your children are safe? Please think very carefully about this.

I left my husband last year after a 28 year marriage with 2 teenagers. I thought my marriage was average, just didn't feel cared for, felt alone most of the time as I never had any support and decided I would be better off in my own. I never realised I was in an abusive marriage with a coercive controller until I told him I wanted to separate. His behaviour escalated more and more ( lies and manipulation and financial control to prevent me leaving) and I reached out to the domestic services who advised me that separating from a partner is a most dangerous time and you should make your plans to leave without him knowing - for your and your children's safety. It was only after I did abuse awareness courses that I understand the behaviour I dismissed as selfish and inconsiderate was in fact abusive.

If you try to talk to your partner about how you feel and they do not listen with empathy and compassion and genuine attempts to understand and repair, anything else is an attempt to control you by emotional blackmail or otherwise. This applies to both parties.

Listen to your intuition and if your partner is caring and supportive perhaps try marriage counselling, however it will not work if your partner is manipulative or deceptive or charming, and his behaviour may escalate. The statistics are clear on this.

I urge you to consider your and your children's safety and reach out for support if you need it.