50:50 childcare - turning sour

[tellmesomethingtrue]

We are still living together but will be parting ways in the next few weeks.

We have a childcare plan in place (50:50) but things seem to be going sour as he keeps asking very specific questions. I keep saying that I don’t know and can’t agree to anything else because I don’t know what the kids (or me) will be feeling about everything.

Our current schedule is that we each have ‘our week’ and the other parent takes the children on the Wed and Thu night, then the next week we switch. This is basically a fortnightly schedule of swapping every 2 or 3 nights.

I struggle to be apart from my kids for a weekend, let alone a whole week.

He has suggested one week on, then one week off but this will be too hard for my youngest child to cope with, especially early on so I’ve said no to this.

Some of the things he’s asked are:

1. If he wants to go on a 2 week holiday (with his new partner), will I have the kids?
2. Can he have the kids for 2 weeks so he can take them on holiday next summer?
3. Can he swap two Sat evenings over the next 6 months as he’s booked to go to gigs despite knowing it’s ‘his’ weekend?

he’s then reminded me that I have to be flexible so he can work and afford my CM.

What do other people do?

I just want consistency and predictability for me and the kids.

It's very early days.
As long as you have a firm plan in place, there should be no issues. Of course if one of you needs to be somewhere else at short notice, then the other will have to step in and take over, but that's assuming they haven't already made plans. In which case the person whose turn it is with the children will need to call in other help.
Don't let him make you feel guilty for paying child maintenance. If he commits to a child care arrangement then it is up to him to make sure his life fits around that, so that would mean him working around their school/nursery hours or employing other childcare help himself.

This plan would mean that the standard model of holidays (a week away) will not work unless you swop some time.

it’s reasonable to ask to vary it for that reason in the school holidays.

I was thinking we could alternate whole weeks over the summer holiday.
should we have a week each over Easter??

I also feel it’s just so early to be making these decisions. I’m so upset by everything.

We follow exactly your planned schedule (but nesting too….) It works really well for everyone.

Longer stints with the odd weekend to break up (e.g.) 2 week periods over holidays.

Adding - we also agree we are each others “babysitter” so if he needs to go out on a night that is “his” we don’t swap.. I babysit/stay overnight. It saves messing up the scheduled time and keeps things consistent to not move other days about.

Holidays being different is fine (our DC are school age) but you’re right that consistency and expectation management is absolutely key:

Ah thank you for replying. Reassuring. He’s making me feel incredibly guilty for literally everything right now.

Nah.. children first. Always. That’s what you’re doing. Keep it up and fight their corner.

When I split with my ex, DD was 5. We moved to 50/50 from the beginning with a week on week off arrangement, it was very tough to start with, but very quickly became the new norm. Change over was Fridays after school so I would collect her things before picking her up from the childminder. We agreed to 2 weeks each in the summer holidays and alternate Christmas and birthdays plus she stayed with the relevant parent for Mother’s and Fathers days. My ex had been a very hands on parent so I knew he was perfectly able to be a good dad.

Also, how are you splitting the xmas week? My ex is saying that he wants them eve of Mon 23rd to morning of Sun 29th with me only getting to have them 8pm 24th to 4pm 25th.

Normal split except Christmas Day together, Christmas Eve one of us and Boxing Day the other. If it all falls apart by then whoever has Christmas Eve will get Christmas morning I think.

(These are the only 3 days we care about though as we both have work etc)

As long as his suggestions are the same for you, then they seem reasonable. Most split couples have a longer stint in the holidays so you can plan a holiday with the kids and some flexibility is helpful as long as it works both ways. You seem to be arguing for consistency but then saying it’s too early to make decisions. IMO it’s much better to agree your arrangement up front and tell your children so they know what to expect. “Playing it by ear” is confusing and will inevitably lead to disagreement. If it’s 50:50, he won’t be paying Child maintenance so not sure why he’s saying you need to be ‘flexible’ around his work?

Why is he proposing having them so long over Xmas? Is it because he wants to travel with them somewhere? What he's proposing means you don't even have them for 24 hours???

Do a week each over summer .
if you want to do 5050 why don’t you always do one parent Monday Tuesday, the other always does Wednesday Thursday and alternate the 3 day weekend?
of if that’s too long, someone does Sunday Monday Tuesday, someone does Wed Thurs Friday then swap Saturdays

OP - it will be OK and you'll all adjust. It seems very stressful at the start, but then with time you all get used to it.

With experience of several years of co-parenting, I'll say - yes, generally predictability is great. But you need to be prepared for some flexibility - as life happens, and sometimes you'll also may need it.
So - if he has some event pre-planned - build some good will and be flexible. Over the years there will be time when you'll need him to be flexible.

As to doing week on/off during holidays - I will caution you against it. Unless you never plan to travel anywhere with the kids. One week on/off is extremely limits you ability to have a nice and relaxing vacation anywhere - and with time it'll become an issue.
Yes - it is hard to imagine it now - and the first time they are away for 2 weeks will be tough for you. But - they'll be enjoying a nice trip with their father. And you'll also be able to spend 2 weeks with them before / after that.
That is the reality of divorce we have to live with.
(for eg - me and my kids went on a 2.5 week trip this summer to a country on a different continent that they wanted to visit. We had a great time.
Then we came back and kids went away with their father to a beach holiday.
As a result - they had a great summer)

It's early day for you. Tell your STBEXH - that you'll figure it all out as things progress. And that of course - you'll try to be flexible and accommodate reasonable changes - as you'll expect him to. And also propose you discuss next summer plans.

I have exactly the same pattern as you with exW for our 6 year old. It works well as she misses us too much if away for more than a few days. We might move to week on/week off in future but only if she asked for that, I think. We often switch nights here and there if one of us has a work event (or sometimes, a social thing we want to do). We are both flexible with this because we both know we will each have something unavoidable we need to do so it would be an own goal to refuse the other one a swap if they ask.

Re holidays - yes he is entitled to take the kids for a 2 week holiday and if you refused and he went to court over it, he would probably win. As for him having a childfree 2 week holiday, you don’t have to agree to this but realistically, if he were to just go while the kids were with you, you’d then have to have them. In fact I read a thread just recently where the wife had done this and left the kids with dad without telling him, to go on holiday with a new man.

We are flexible with holidays. We both want to have them now and again so we try to accommodate each other. It makes life a lot easier if you can get on and arrange things flexibly with some give and take.

We split Christmas so that one of us has DD Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning, and the other has her from Christmas Day lunchtime through to morning of 27th. This way she can see both sides of the family on a “Christmas” day. I wouldn’t agree to ex taking DD away over Christmas and wouldn’t ask to myself - she should see both her parents at Christmas.

@tellmesomethingtrue - you don't say how old your children are, but you do say that your youngest will not cope with a week with each parent, why do you think this ? And have you spoken to your children about arrangements going forward?
A week with each parent during term time provides a more stable routine for the children especially if school age, they know where they are. It can become awfully confusing swapping houses every couple of nights, not to mention constantly having to remember to take the things they need between 2 houses.
As for 1 week school holidays maybe half the week each?
2 week holiday maybe a week each - with more specific arrangements put in place over Christmas... his current suggestion doesn't seem very fair to you TBH.
And as for the summer it's reasonable for you both to have 2 consecutive weeks and make arrangements that you're both happy with for the remaining 2 weeks.
It's a new routine for you all and it probably feels very daunting at the minute, and it might be difficult at first and take time to adjust but hopefully as long as you both have the children as your priority the change should be manageable.

Hi OP, I can see how anxious you are feeling about this, it’s a huge change and will be really difficult for you, but that feeling will settle some.

my exh and I started out with a. 4/3 week for a few years when our DS was young (3-7) then moved to a 5/2/2/5 as a pp suggested, for me that was the best version of 50/50, it meant as the ‘single’ parent I could do a class or have a standing weekly meetup with a friend as I always had Wednesday and Thursday nights to myself.

it also meant that I got some extra time as ds would come home to me for dinner on the handover days from my house and also one dads handover days from dads house, so I never really had more that a couple of days over the weekend without seeing him, plus on the weekend I always had the option of going to watch him play sport.

we have very recently switched to week on week off and it’s so much harder, my regular Friday morning walk and coffee with a friend before work is how fortnightly, I struggle to go to the gym in the mornings as I’m so aware of this being my only week with him.
I’m sure it will settle but for now it definitely is an adjustment.

regards to holidays, we are both flexible, I’m definitely the poorer parent 😂 so don’t really have holidays, but dad has remarried and also earns a lot more so does take ds on trips overseas, I try to see it as how fortunate ds is to have these opportunities, and as long as he is happy and enjoying himself then I’m happy too.

we do generally split the holidays into bigger chunks of time to accommodate this, even if my time is spent at home doing things together rather than away.

Xmas, things for many many years were extremely amicable and we generally would spend Xmas day together, even when he met his new wife. That has only recently stopped, and now we split it with a lunchtime ish handover. So one gets Xmas Eve and Xmas day morning (which let’s face it is the best bit) and I am happy for this, I don’t have any family at all so I struggle on Xmas day with being ‘up’ all day so am happy to then drop him at dads for the rest of the day and get him back a couple of days later.

the option for swaps, I always accommodated these for many years, when it became so often I had to say no more as it was so disruptive, there were more changes than not, so I suggest you don’t be too accommodating as the expectation can create stress and resentment. The default should be no unless the other parents really stuck or if it’s a work event which isn’t optional.