Co-parenting - full of anxiety

[afterlifee]

Hi all. I have a two year old with my ex, we split July 2024. From then until around April of this year, the schedule for our son was pretty much set in stone - 4 nights with me, 3 nights with dad with the occasional weekend (I’d say around one in four).

From April/May, the schedule has been the same but with a lot more weekends at dads (around every other). The reason I agreed to these is because dad doesn’t just work a 9-5, he works shifts (12 hrs) so prior to May, any time he would ask to see little one for the weekend, he’d state it’s because he’s not seen our son during ‘his days’ - 2yo would be with ex’s mum during his days. I have never complained about anything, agreed to whatever he has said and asked no problem, I understand his work situation.

From April/May, as above, he has had him a lot more over weekends and even had him for the whole week once (a pre-agreed arrangement as he was taking 2yo away) again it’s okay by me because I understand his shift pattern is never the same week to week and he may not have seen our son. However, ex has now gotten pretty nasty with me. Now that pre-school time has come, ex has explained that if I keep him in the school I signed him up for while we were still together two years ago, he threatened legal action. He has a solicitor. I do not. I also have no evidence that we signed him up together, we of course spoke about this face to face, so is saying he never consented.

He is making every attempt to have 2yo living with him and has explained he has recorded every day 2yo has been there, told me that I am palming our son off to him at any possible moment (in the past year, I have asked ex for exactly four extra days of 2yo going to him, all due to events such as a wedding, a party, etc.) every time 2yo has been with ex extra it is because he has asked me which I thought I was doing ex a favour due to not seeing him during his days.

I have two other children, one is disabled (neither are ex above children, both older and to same dad) so a lot of my time is dedicated to my disabled son and his needs. I am not simply gallivanting when 2yo is with dad, not possible as my other children are here 90% of the time and every weekend.

Ex has used many things against me such as my disabled son, I am not a fit enough parent in his eyes (this was said even in the relationship), that 2yo would be better with him, the school I’ve enrolled him in isn’t good enough, and him using our son as a weapon which I find very difficult to deal with, telling me I am not thinking about his 2yo or his education??? On top of all of this, the constant berating and bullying from him toward me is causing so much stress and anxiety that I am really struggling.

He says he wants a better school, but has made no effort to find a suitable school, though I am sure he has nearer to him (he lives 1hr away). He got together with his new partner around the time that this started. I have no ill feeling at all toward her, I have met her and think she is lovely.

I have scheduled mediation but I am struggling to cope in all honesty. Please give me advice of what to expect with mediation, if mediation doesn’t work, can he use my situation with my disabled son against me, can he also use the extra days he’s had with him or anything else against me? I am just scared.

Also, am I the problem? Have I just let him go to dads, should I have fought back and kept him for weekends when he’s asked for him? I just thought I was doing the right thing, I feel like I’ve been very naive.

thank you.

Tough!
Use a parenting app, app close is free, I use Our Family Wizard, if you are on benefits yoy can apply to get it free. Everything recorded and can be used in court.
The precedent has been set that ex has your child a good amount, so he could get 50/50 on court. However he lives an hour away, which is why he wants to change the school in suspect.
Don't move the school. That is safe and routine for your child.
Don't agree to additional time.
Go through messages a d screenshot where he says he doesn't see his kid and his mum has them. Evidence you have been understanding and trying to build a good coparent prioritising your son seeing their dad.
Disabled child- you do more parenting than most, can't be used against you unless the other child is a danger to your youngest.
Go to gp, get counselling, have it logged that his behaviour is affecting you.
See about legal advice, some offer 1hr free.
Gather evidence that you do all medical, contact with school etc, primary parent role.

OP, I’m sorry you are dealing with this on top of parenting a child with disabilities and a third chid, you must feel worn down. First off, You are not the problem. You’ve tried to facilitate his relationship with your child, which is exactly what’s expected under UK law. The issue here is not your flexibility, but the way your ex is now weaponising it!

Stay Child-Focused in Mediation
Go into mediation prepared to speak about your 2-year-old’s needs rather than your ex’s behaviour.
Bring a record of the routine your child has had, be calm and explain how stability (including school and sibling relationships) supports his development.
Avoid being drawn into arguments — mediators will encourage both of you to focus on workable arrangements, not accusations.

Document and Organise
Keep a written record of the actual care pattern (days/nights, who requested swaps, etc.) and if you can, go back over the schedule you have had up to now and document missing information there too. This helps show that you’ve been child-centred, not obstructive.
Make notes about why you chose the school (practicality, consistency with siblings, early discussions). Even if you don’t have written proof of joint consent, your decision-making process matters.
If mediation does not succeed and things proceed legally, this evidence will be important.

Manage the “Fitness to Parent” Concerns
A child having a sibling with disabilities does not make you an unfit parent — in fact, courts usually view a stable family environment with siblings as positive.
The other parent cannot simply use your disabled child against you unless there is evidence it prevents you from meeting the 2-year-old’s needs. Showing how you balance both children’s needs will reassure mediators (and, if necessary, a court).

Plan for What Comes Next
If mediation fails, the next step is usually a Child Arrangements Order application. The court’s only consideration is the welfare of the child. The extra weekends or weeks your ex had — at your agreement — do not automatically “count against” you; rather, they show you’ve been flexible.
If possible, seek legal advice (many solicitors offer a free or fixed-fee initial consultation). You could also consider applying for legal aid if you are eligible, particularly given the bullying/pressure you’ve described.

Please look after yourself: parallel parenting (reducing direct conflict, using apps like Our Family Wizard for communication) may be something to propose if his behaviour is impacting your mental health.