At my wits end - it's the end

Whenlifegiveslemons · 2025-08-30T08:52:48+00:00

Writing because I need advice & a handhold. Been married for 11 years, two young children - marriage has been failing for about 3 years now. Weve had conversations about divorce but my husband doesnt want kids in a "broken home" - and he says that would kill him. The way i see it, is the home is broken right now. All i ever saw was parents arguing - i cant have kids around that. He has totally checked out of our marriage, as I have. We barely talk, only out of necessity/small talk/politeness if at all. I know kids can feel the tension between us and its affecting them, i cant do it any longer. I just want peace. I fantasise about divorce and future life, I'd love to be taken out, have a reason to dress up, to be surprised with thoughtfulness (husband used to but not for a long time). I don't have any family support, I've got good friends, no savings, he has access to all of our savings (most inherited from his side), I work part time, he earns 6 times what I do. House is in both of our names. Fiancially, I don't know where to begin. Any support/thoughts - what do I do first would help. I feel so desperate. Thank you.

Sassybooklover · 30/08/2025 10:08

You're married, so there's no 'yours' or 'his' where assets are concerned, it's a joint pot. Unless he legally 'ring fenced' any inheritance, at the time he received it, then it's part of the martial pot, as is the property you are living in and any investments, savings and pensions. I would suggest gathering as much financial information as you can, and seeking some legal advice, from a solicitor. Your husband may not want to divorce, because he knows he's going to have to pay financially. He wants to hang onto 'his' assets, so is happy to plod on in this situation. It's far worse to bring up children in a household, where there's an atmosphere, than divorcing. Surely it's better to have the children being brought up in two separate happy households, than one miserable one.

Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemons · 30/08/2025 10:14

Sassybooklover · 30/08/2025 10:08

You're married, so there's no 'yours' or 'his' where assets are concerned, it's a joint pot. Unless he legally 'ring fenced' any inheritance, at the time he received it, then it's part of the martial pot, as is the property you are living in and any investments, savings and pensions. I would suggest gathering as much financial information as you can, and seeking some legal advice, from a solicitor. Your husband may not want to divorce, because he knows he's going to have to pay financially. He wants to hang onto 'his' assets, so is happy to plod on in this situation. It's far worse to bring up children in a household, where there's an atmosphere, than divorcing. Surely it's better to have the children being brought up in two separate happy households, than one miserable one.

I totally agree re happy home, we've spoken about divorce in the past quite openly but he always says he's not ready to give up & doesn't want that for the kids - but he's also putting in no work. And the last 3 months have become so hostile.

Savings accounts - I don't have any of the logins, I know it would all be split during separation but I don't have access to any funds to support myself and kids through the superation period.

He also won't have a conversation with me about how we separate amicably, outright refuses. I feel like I'm held hostage in the marriage.

OP posts:

MellowPinkDeer · 30/08/2025 10:15

Get yourself a consultation with a good family law solicitor. Take evidence of all assets and work out where you stand. Dont continue to be unhappy. I’d also look at options to increase your own income and become more self sufficient .

ThatWriterInTheCorner · 30/08/2025 10:19

If you are living in England or Wales and were married in England or Wales, you don't need his consent to begin divorce proceedings. He may struggle to understand and accept this, but it's legally correct. You can begin the process whenever you feel ready.

He may dig in his heels and be any absolute PITA to deal with. But he can't stop you from ending the marriage.

Very best of luck OP. It's not easy but you will come out the other side and be happy again.

Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemons · 30/08/2025 10:24

ThatWriterInTheCorner · 30/08/2025 10:19

If you are living in England or Wales and were married in England or Wales, you don't need his consent to begin divorce proceedings. He may struggle to understand and accept this, but it's legally correct. You can begin the process whenever you feel ready.

He may dig in his heels and be any absolute PITA to deal with. But he can't stop you from ending the marriage.

Very best of luck OP. It's not easy but you will come out the other side and be happy again.

Thank you so much for this - "I will come out the other side and be happy again" 🫶🏼

OP posts:

Tinybirdie · 30/08/2025 10:34

Sassybooklover · 30/08/2025 10:08

You're married, so there's no 'yours' or 'his' where assets are concerned, it's a joint pot. Unless he legally 'ring fenced' any inheritance, at the time he received it, then it's part of the martial pot, as is the property you are living in and any investments, savings and pensions. I would suggest gathering as much financial information as you can, and seeking some legal advice, from a solicitor. Your husband may not want to divorce, because he knows he's going to have to pay financially. He wants to hang onto 'his' assets, so is happy to plod on in this situation. It's far worse to bring up children in a household, where there's an atmosphere, than divorcing. Surely it's better to have the children being brought up in two separate happy households, than one miserable one.

I dont think that's true about inheritance. Only if it has been used for marital assets, such as paying off a mortgage. If its sitting in an account somewhere, its generally not included as part of divorce agreements

Enrichetta · 30/08/2025 10:37

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitor websites

AnotherVice · 30/08/2025 10:39

I had this OP, of course my ex didn’t want to divorce when he had free childcare and housekeeping. Just file for divorce and force the situation, he will be vile about it but you can at least move forwards with the discussions about logistics. Good luck.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/08/2025 12:44

Personally I don't think the inheritance should be included, but that's for the courts to decide I guess. If he hasn't commingled it, which it sounds like he hasn't, then he's likely to be able to keep it, but you would probably get a larger share of the house to reflect his savings and his greater earning power. I commingled my inheritance and the proceeds from my previous house, where as he has bought zero capital to the relationship in 10 years, more fool me!!

Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemons · 30/08/2025 13:20

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/08/2025 12:44

Personally I don't think the inheritance should be included, but that's for the courts to decide I guess. If he hasn't commingled it, which it sounds like he hasn't, then he's likely to be able to keep it, but you would probably get a larger share of the house to reflect his savings and his greater earning power. I commingled my inheritance and the proceeds from my previous house, where as he has bought zero capital to the relationship in 10 years, more fool me!!

Most of the inheritance went in to buying our house, after we got married. There's some left which I don't access and don't actually know how much is there - although husband says its "our" savings.

OP posts: