Hello all!
I am posting about a very sensitive issue and could really use the opinions of the community here please. I am desperate, and torn as to what I should do.
I am a 46 year old man with 2 children, both boys. My first born son is 6 years old, and is mixed race. He has autism but currently goes to a mainstream school, although he may need to go to a special school in the next year or two. His mum is my ex wife, he lives with her permanently but I see him once a week on average and he doesn’t sleep over at my house because he is a man of routine and will currently only accept sleeping at her house. Me and his mum are on good terms even though it was me that effectively ended the relationship in 2022.
My second son is almost 2 years old. He is developing normally and is a happy little boy (most of the time!).
I live with my 2 year old and his mum who is much younger than me. She is very intelligent and has a very well paid job, however she has an autism diagnosis with suspected ADHD and EUPD.
We have been together for nearly 3 years and things have been good during that time other than sporadic arguments over various trivial things, but in the last 12 months she has started to make horrible comments like “you shouldn’t see your other son anymore as you now have a perfect child”, “aren’t you embarrassed you married a black woman”, “at least I gave you a white child” etc etc.
She used to be present when I saw my first born son once a week, and she was GREAT with him, but now she refuses to see him (so he doesn’t get to see his brother), and when I have contact with my first born son she is moody the day before and on the day of contact.
We are now at a point where I am miserable and am considering breaking up with her but that means I won’t be able to see my 2 year old every day which will will break my heart. When I split with my ex wife I felt so guilty for leaving my son and missed him so much.
I should point out that even though she doesn’t accept my autistic son, I have accepted her first born son, who is 5, that lives with us 50% of the time. I am on good terms with her ex partner, the father of her first born.
I was in hope that her emotional maturity would catch up (ASD/ADHD people apparently develop more slowly than your average person) and she would soften and see the error of her ways but I am getting so frustrated by it all sometimes I just want to end the relationship.
We have talked and talked but she is currently adamant that she will never accept my baggage, even though her baggage lives with us! She is prejudice against my ASD son, even though she herself is ASD!
We have a beautiful home which is perfect for little boys to grow up in, and if we split we would both need to rent small properties or even move back home with our own parents which would make contact more difficult all round.
What do people think I should do? End things now or stick it out hoping she will change and for the sake of our 2 year old and her 5 year old? Try (again) to put some rules down maybe?
Thanks in advance everyone. If you read this, PLEASE do give me your opinion……
G