Separation- how to?

[CleverOpalBalonz]

Hi all, I’ve been active on mumsnet on and off over the years but not for a couple of years now. I’ve been married for 14 years, together for 20 and have 2 children, youngest about to start high school. My marriage hasn’t been good for a long time. It’s deteriorated a lot the last 12 months though. I don’t think I can stay much longer.

Theres no communication at all, I isolate myself at home because I feel like I can’t be myself around him. I don’t feel like I watch my tv or listen to my music because we just don’t have anything in common anymore. He’s a great Dad. I just don’t think we’re setting a good example marriage at all though. I think I’m past the point of counselling because even the way he stands annoys me. There’s been no intimacy for years now.

i work part time, he works full time. He earns around 40% more than me but all our money goes into a joint account. We have a mortgage on our house. We have no savings but quite a bit of debt. I could go back full time but the reason I’m part time was to look after the dog so he’s not home alone as we’ve struggled with dog walkers.

So I’m at the point of needing to plan and I don’t know how it all works. I haven’t mentioned it to him yet. Would I move out and rent whilst paying half the mortgage as it’s me that will be suggesting it? I’d struggle massively doing that at the moment. My wage is would just about cover rent, mortgage and and my debts I reckon. Ideally I’d like the stay in the home, mainly because I don’t think he’d look after it properly. How do people cope with the change in lifestyle? We live in a nice area near schools but rent here is expensive, I’d have to move a few miles away to a cheaper area I think to afford rent.

im thinking of February (after Christmas and Childs birthday) or if high school transition goes well maybe November. I just can’t keep putting up with this and know I’d be happier on my own.

Apologies for the ramble, I’m upset after another falling out. If anyone knows of free couples counselling I could go to alone I’d appreciate the signpost. Thanks

So I would say that mediation was helpful, not least because suggestions were made by a neutral person.

Telling the children wasn't as bad as I'd feared and we told them together and early on.

I totally get the 'losing yourself' bit as I found that, too, and being free - although it has been emotional at times - is great.

@BarbieBrightSide Your situation is so similar to mine. I have also told my oldest not to seek out a relationship like ours because ours in not a good example. I will look into those mediators, thank you. I’m finding myself swinging from one plan to another.

I’m currently doing so with pensions, I have 22yrs in a public sector pension, 12 years of this is on a part time salary but I don’t know how this will compare to husbands as he has always paid into his private sector but only in the last 5 years has his full time salary been much more than my full time salary would have been. I don’t know whether to keep our own or pay to find out how much both are worth. Not that we’re even at that stage yet. I will sit down with him this weekend to talk through things more.

I also had the indifference around gifts. I have like others have commented, planned their own Mother’s Day through apathy on their part. This last Christmas I got coasters that we definitely did not need and I certainly did not want. He has never taken the children to buy me a gift. For my last birthday my children had got old enough for my eldest to buy it himself and my youngest was asking his Dad to get it for him but he also went to the shop saying he could get it if needed. Husband didn’t buy me anything separate and I didn’t get a cake despite having company around which has always been a big thing in our house.

I am starting to plan to do more for myself to make myself happy and it feels very scary but also exciting. Although it also doesn’t feel real as I’ve only told my manager about it.

I’m following this as in the same situation as you exactly. Mine are 11 (just started secondary) and 9 and I’m just trying to navigate how exactly to go about this. I feel like I’ve also made my decision.

I feel the same about the family home - I actually kind of hate it. However I can afford the mortgage here alone and the kids love it here. We have 2 doubles and a box - and I could move into the box to make it work longer term. I’d love to buy another house but really not sure it’s feasible for me.

You need to to get correct pensions valuations- you may find yours is actually higher than your ex which will impact rest of asset split

Can you just separate and agree an arrangement and leave finances to sort in a few years?

I will speak to husband about applying for CETV of pensions. Husband has run up a lot of credit card debt on who knows what so I want to cut financial ties.

is it possible to cut financial ties but me stay in house if I sell and give him his share when the kids leave home? Is that a possible arrangement?

It will depend on

how long that is
how much of his equity is tied up
can he buy with out it
can you afford to pay all mortgage and take him off it on your own now

mesher orders are getting rarer because the one who’s capital is tied up is at significant disadvantage

oh and his share will be based on house value at the time if same not house value now