Having a Hard Time Of It

[SilverLinings123]

Husband here needing to share as I am going through a tough time.

My world seems to have been turned upside down with shocking speed. Married over 15 years, DS and DD in teens. OH is suffering from burn out due to work stress. Everyone in my house is neurodiverse. My DS’s behaviour has been pretty poor over the past few months, leading to lots of tension and finally an incident (non-violent, non-sexual) between him and his sister which led to OH leaving with DD for the in-laws (with me assisting) several weeks ago. Since then my OH has cut off almost all communications with me, with the only channel being WhatsApp and then only in connection with the kids. My OH has ignored all offers to have counselling and/or mediation. Contact with DD hasn’t been restricted but my OH is asking that its all arranged with her first. My OH has denied that she is thinking about divorce, but I cannot rationalise her behaviour any other way.

So I suppose this must really be it – separation – despite the awful bizarreness that my OH hasn’t even told me that. I am devastated. I am really struggling. My OH and I didn’t have the greatest of relationships but I always hoped she could recover from her burn out and we could have a hope of a better future. She has now made a stranger of herself to me, even the written communication is stilted and formal.

My DS is still with me and his behaviour is exemplary – a complete change from before the incident – but he has an active social life so I can’t expect him to be around much. I did most of the childcare including running my DD round to various extra-curricular clubs, so I spent the most time with her. I dote on her, she is a daddy’s girl, and I miss her terribly. I try to stay in touch every day via WhatsApp but I find the whole pick up and drop off soul crushingly depressing. Because of the childcare I didn’t really have a terribly active social life, I know I have to get on top of this but it’s so, so sad.

The say look for the helpers and they really are appearing for me, which is giving me strength - although I really need to work harder at not weeping when people are being nice to me. I am fully now fully versed on the relationship playbook I never, ever wanted to have to read – take time for myself, get fit, meet new people, learn new hobbies etc. But this doesn’t help at night when I am home alone, or at bedtime when I no longer can say goodnight to both of my children, or when friends and relations ask after my family and I have to tell them the horrible reality, or when I wake up too early and can't sleep for my head buzzing with all the hard possibilities.

I spent too much of Tuesday crying hard tears, shouting to an empty house for the pain to stop. I just want this nightmare to end.

Have you asked your wife outright what’s going on? Asked to meet up to talk?

Sadly she has said very little to me about the reasons for effectively cutting off contact. What little she has said to me was said angrily and on just about the only occasion where we have spoken face-to-face (albeit briefly) and was something to the extent of not feeling supported as a result of the incident. I understand if that’s her perception and I’m prepared to discuss it but that hardly merits a separation on the back of an incident in which I wasn’t involved and in fact wasn’t even present. The whole thing is completely perplexing and so upsetting.

This too shall pass. It really will. Stop crying and just keep going. Give it time.

Give her some space and let the dust settle.
I think you might find she will get curious about your withdrawal and if you give it time she will feel more inclined to talk.

On the surface of it you might come to realise she was waiting for a catalyst to propel her out of your marriage. Maybe this is something to think about? Could she have “given up” ages ago and was just waiting for the reason to leave?

It is said that when a woman goes quiet, as you are experiencing, it’s deadly serious. Don’t crowd her, don’t be clingy and hopefully when the fire dies down some sensible conversation can take place regarding your marriage and more time with your DD.
Good luck. Many of us have been in similar situations and have come out the other side and are thriving.

Are daughter and son step-siblings? Its odd that she walked away from her son.

Not step siblings - they are both ours.

Unfortunately, my DS and my OH have a particularly tense relationship. They both struggle to regulate their emotions (not trying to paint myself as some kind of saint here, BTW). This could be why DS‘s behaviour has improved so much over the past few weeks in her absence. This is perhaps where my wife’s perception of a lack of support has come from, and that maybe she sees me as somehow siding with my son

I can understand if, from her self imposed exile, it looks like I am just carrying on without her as if nothing has happened in our house that she should rightly be living in, but this is our teenage son we’re talking about here and I’m not going to be holding him in purgatory indefinitely. There has to be a way back for him. Besides, right now he is the only member of my family who is physically here for me and in my current state I can’t afford to push him away.

I am sorry to hear that. It seems as though you have offered counselling which is what I was going to suggest.

I can only think that perhaps your son was horrible to her...and she framed it in her mind as you taking his side in the aftermath which is incredibly undermining. This is just speculation, I don't know.

It depends on what he's done.

Or perhaps mentally she is at burn out and just can't manage.

I guess if you write a letter and ask her to be totally honest with what's bothering her, it might pinpoint the resentment.

If shes on strike and not communicating, there is not much you can do. You've tried everything and you need to be strong if she's not open to reconciling...hard as that may be.