Separation - likely outcome? Can anyone share experiences ?

[OrangeOctopusEyes]

Been together 5 years. 2 DC. Not married. House mortgaged in my name only, always paid mortgage on my own.

3 weeks ago I said I wanted to separate and to move out on a date that is this week.

ExP will have no fixed abode until the end of the year, I asked for £600 a month maintenance. Didn’t agree with this figure so I applied through CSA, doesn’t agree with me going through CSA, is the figure going to be similar or more/less? Calculator said £589 based only on primary employment only (£40K) he also has other avenues of income.

I felt that 1 day a week custody for him would suffice since he will have no where for them to sleep and currently does 1/2 a day as a parent who lives with them. He is requesting 3 days and says I will then have to pay him money! I therefore agreed to two days as a compromise. He’s still insisting on 3, I’m scared to go to court in case they give him 50/50 custody because I could not bear it, he is not great at dealing with toddler tantrums, crying babies - is short tempered with them. What would be the likely outcome if we went to court?

we currently work on the same shift pattern (2,2, 4), I have the opportunity to move off this onto the opposite pattern (5k pay cut) or onto mom-Fri with some wfh (same pay but less time off with the kids). My head is all over the place and I have no idea what will work best.

advice and experiences welcome. Please be gentle I’m at my lowest right now.

I think you need to get to grips with the fact you no longer have any say on him or his life. His living conditions and how he looks after and accomodates your shared children on his time is his business.

Would you be happy if he turned around and said he thinks 1 day a week with your children for you will suffice?

Children have a right to meaningful contact with both parents. Family Court will start with an assumption of 50/50 shared care, which in most cases will be granted, and then no maintenance will be payable either way.

It's in your interest to facilitate a decent agreement on shared care that enables you both to have a good level of contact. If you agree to 3 days a week, he will still have to pay you some maintenance. You will also have more free time for work and a social life.

I'd think long and hard before you drive this into the court system, as it's unlikely to work in your favour.

You can’t just dictate what he does and how much he has the kids. He has equal
right as you do but importantly it’s in your children’s interests to have a good relationship with both parents and stability snd routine.

3 days a week is not unacceptable in the face of it. Where will he live for now and when will he have suitable accommodation? In the interim you need to facilitate access arrangements especially as you’re kicking him out which may be shorter but more frequent visits.

in regards cms that’s based on overnights / so will reduce the more nights he has - but you won’t need to pay him unless he has them more than you. If you ultimately do 50:50 then there will be no cms due to either parent

if he pushes for 50:50 once he has suitable housing and can demonstrate he can do so it’s likely it would be awarded.

id suggest you actually discuss and try to come to a suitable arrangement that works in the interests of your shared children rather than try to control and dictate. Mediation might help you achieve this

Move yourself to Monday to Friday so you can be around for the kids more with school etc. Positions you better to rely on him less if things are bitter.

Hi OP

How involved is he with DC now? I recently separated from my DCs dad who did very fucking little and he now after all the threats still does very fucking little and can only be arsed with them for a few hours here and there. Him going on about 3 days might be him trying to worry you. Or it might be about money.

However, even having one day a week - where will he have them?

Has he agreed to move out and is he doing things moving towards this?

Hi this is exactly where I’m at! Currently and since they’ve been born he’s done the bare minimum and had very little interest, now all of a sudden he’s interested. The reason where separating is because he doesn’t put the kids first, always benders, hobbies, work etc. Hence my resistance for the 3 days.

He has now started to put plans in plans in place to move out. How have things worked out so far for yourself? Sorry to hear you’re also going through this

If he steps up has them more and takes more interest that’s a good thing surely

I am doing well. Much better not living with him.

He went from "what if they want to live with me" to completely refusing to "help" so no school runs etc

Just different tactics to try and control me

Nearly every dad claims he want 50:50 when they separate, as they know it will reduce the maintenance they need to pay for their kids.

Many of them also say it to punish their ex for leaving ( or threatening to leave ).

However 99% of them end up doing the same or less parenting than they did before. Especially when they discover that it’s not the mums job to arrange her life around their shift patterns and social life. Or send their kids with clothes / toys / nappies / bottles / baby equipment .

So once your kids dad works out how hard it’s going to be to care for his kids half the time, he will almost certainly change his mind. So don’t start changing your job now around something that will almost certainly never happen.

Dont argue with him. Just ask how it’s going to work . Tell him that once he’s got his new place , you can both discuss how the 50 :50 ( or whatever ) is going to work. It’s NOT YOUR JOB to work that out now, so try not to stress.

The kids will need a fixed pattern so they know what’s happening week to week. Eg with dad every Sunday to Wednesday. If your kids are in nursery you probably want to split the weekend so you both get quality time with them.

You are currently the main carer so it’s up to him to come up with a plan and agree it with you.

The other thing to remember is that most men start dating again within weeks and move in with another woman within months . So his desire to have his kids half the week will soon fizzle out.

The tiny number of dads who actually do this are the ones who have a clear plan, somewhere suitable to stay ( usually nearby so the kids can stay in their existing childcare ) , have agreed a change of hours with their work etc. And most importantly, they are willing to make the sacrifice of money, freedom and their social life ( for the next 15 or 20 years) that comes with being a single parent to small children.

Does that sound like your ex? No I thought not.

TL:DR Chill, it’s just an idle threat, he will never do it, it’s too much like hard work for most men.

There’s not the experience of the men I know at all.

but hey it’s mn I suppose

See I would take it to court op. He clearly can't be relied on to do the right thing voluntarily. He is asking for 50:50 because he doesn't want to pay you any money, not realising how much hard work it will be. It doesn't sound like he would keep up with 2-3 days once he actually has to parent on his own. Courtau well agree to you having them more as he has nowhere to stay and you can ( I assume) back up the fact he only does half a day of their 'usual' care.

Just because you’re not working out doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve equal time with his children. There is no reason for him to not be awarded 50/50.

I also think that if he was going to be a decent parent he would have done it by now. Also if he doesn't have anywhere to stay, how is he planning to safely look after them?

It’s not about what he “ deserves “. Children are not like sweeties to be doled out fairly to squabbling siblings. They are not consolation prizes awarded to a man when his domestic appliance stops working and quits her job.

They are real live sentient humans ( yes even the girls ) and decisions on residence should be made in the children’s best interest. The court will also look at the status quo and keeping stability for the children.

The mother has been their main carer for their whole lives. If the father wanted 5050 he wouldn’t have been doing a few hours a week since his kids were born.

How people act as a couple isn’t necessarily how they’re not

eg you might be a couple, one stays home one goes to work. Will the one who goes to work do equal parenting ? Not likely because they are the sole income provider. When split that person needs to take on more parenting: the sahm needs to take on more working and earning.

obvs that’s a generalisation and not necessarily relevant but just because they are not hands on now doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t be. If you’re not there to do it, he’ll have to step up

I suggest given what you have said the real issue about contact is the well being of the children.

If he can look after them properly thats very different to if you have reasonable grounds for thinking you cant.

I work full time also. He has done a few hours a week since they were born, he is short tempered around them and can’t deal with day to day issues that come with toddlers (I.e tantrums, vomiting, nappy changes). If I stay in the coercive relationship I’d get to see my children all the time but now I’m leaving, I will not get to see my children for 3 days a week.

From what you say I suggest that your soon to be ex either will fall at the wayside and not go for 50/50 OR it will soon come to a grinding halt when he cant cope

If he did have them 3 nights, it would be unlikely you would need to pay him money considering that you were never married and as long as your salary isn’t astronomically more than his. He would still owe you as you’re slightly higher

This is likely a knee jerk reaction and he will back down when he sees the reality of having the kids that much. This isn’t the case for all dads but as he’s been involved so little, it sounds the case here. Sometimes it can be worth the risk of calling his bluff

Getting yourself on Monday to Friday sounds a positive step as you’ll have school and holiday club to support your working hours. Arrange fixed days with Dad that he can manage every week to ensure consistency for the children

Do you think he’s going to reorganise his whole life and actually start parenting his own kids for 3 days a week? And get them to and from childcare and pay for it ?

And remain single for the next 15 years to devote himself to his kids? Because no woman will want to move in with his and become step mum to his kids for half the week.

Really? Is that who this guy is ?