What sneaky manoeuvres can I expect?

[Lisaann83]

I realise this is probably dependent on person but what unexpected things did your ex do when you announced you wanted a divorce? I’m expecting it to be bad and I’ve had some people mention their ex refusing to give them access to the family car that was in his name, blocking cards on bank accounts etc I just want to be prepared so I can carry on with basic functions including going to work and taking my kids to school while it all plays out. Thanks

Offshore bank accounts!

Variations on the following:

Threats to kill themselves
Threats to give up their job
Threats to stop paying towards mortgage/joint debt
Threats to gain sole responsibility for DC (cos you’re mad/unfit/whatever)

I found that once XH had a solicitor, most of the nonsense stopped, as they were giving practical advice rather than the emotionally charged advice they had been getting from their family.

A last minute threat to contest the divorce was a surprise, but again, once he realised how much that would cost him, he backtracked.

Hiding pension statements, hiding all family certificates such as marriage certificates and birth certificates for the kids, hiding title deeds.

it was all silly because all of these things can be ordered online and posted.

wanting to talk about the divorce / separation all the time only to get info on my strategy. Keep quiet!

Oh and the sole custody one - I think that’s a given these days and threats to make you out to be an unfit mother and “ruin” you. Almost forgot that one.

Do yourself a favour get yourself the best solicitor you can afford, the ones in Hampstead that deal with Jewish divorces are worth their weight in gold.

Wanting sole custody- gather evidence now if you are the main parent who does everything for the kids.
Using everything about your past- if you have a health problem or every have, they will use it.
Start teaching the kids now about trusting their gut, fact or opinion games, read story books about these things or when you hear things talk to them about it (we are currently doing it with Fairy tales) as he will likely badmount you to the kids or tell them things they shouldn't know. He will say it is your fault as yiu ended it.
Get all evidence of everything financial.
Re.ove everything precious from the house and store at a family or friend's. Things he knows you would be gutted to lose.

Thank you this is all really helpful

Meeting with my friends and family to discuss my obvious mental health issues! Diagnosing me with borderline personality disorder to explain my decision.

Expect the unexpected! I left a cheating narcissist who basically completely changed the narrative to make me look mad and him perfectly sane. It will all be your fault for leaving, accept that and don’t rise to it! There will be bargaining over the children and anything you consider to be sentimental in the home - again, don’t rise to it, accept your likely to lose some stuff along the way and embrace the new. 3 years on, I’ve learned a lot about the man I married.. I’ve rebuilt my life and taken nothing from the home. The best part is, it’s the most freeing experience I’ve ever had and I’d change nothing. Best of luck.

Abandoned his children financially.
Moved away for work so he couldn’t help with childcare either except occasionally
Complained about using any of his annual leave for dc - so mostly didn’t

Took the bigger car for himself so me and dc had to squish into a tiny car
Started acting like he was doing me a favour when he did occasionally look after dc as though they were entirely my responsibility and I should be grateful when he helped me out
Reorganised contact around whatever schedule was in place for the children of the person he was dating so they could always have child free weekends and holidays
Invited the dc to his family events as props so he could pretend to the outside world he was dad of the year
Badmouthed me to his family and said I was after their money (I never asked for a penny in the divorce that wasn’t mine to start with)
Told a mutual close friend I had mental health issues

That was when he considered we were having an amicable break up it got 100x worse when started on financial proceedings.

Diverted his salary from joint act of 25 years then cleared it completely - all without telling me and just before month end so too late for me to stop my pay and take steps to claim my half of the balance. After all the household direct debits went out the next day I was left with v little to survive on that month, whilst also caring for our kids. Months of financial control followed where I had no idea what, if anything he would contribute to outgoings. Large sums of money from savings transferred abroad, spent lavishly on himself whilst we struggled. Threatened to smash up my car, destroy belongings and post personal stuff online. Badmouthed me to anyone who would listen. You name it. Also point blank refused to move out, whilst actively dating and blocking all divorce progress. It was hellish. Took him to court eventually and karma was served. It was worth it for the peace kids and I have now. His petty, spiteful actions throughout, extending to the kids, just strengthened my conviction that divorce was the right thing to do.

For balance my own ex and many others I know of friends of mine were rational and pretty fair ( sometimes I’d even say too fair)

i think it also depends on reason fir divorce to some extent and what assets etc their are. If ex feels they have worked all their lives then wife has an affair and is a sahm and still expects to be then ex h unlikely to be amicable or ‘reasonable’. If both work and simply grown apart perhaps more likely to be at least civil

you have to remember though that just as you will want to maximise your settlement so will your ex, unless you’re both in agreement straight 50:50.

if you know your marital finance position it’s much harder for either party to do anything majorly underhand when it comes to finances at least.

but not all men are awful and some women I know completely terrible and playing silly buggers with money, expectations and worse, children

I know some cases can be like that, this won’t be, hence asking for common things so I can protect myself and my kids before they happen. I’ve not cheated and I’ve always worked full time but it’s how he is.

Ex wife threatened to get me sacked, make stuff up about me so people would 'choose her' when they had to take sides. Forces joint friends to 'take sides'. Used to consistently withdraw money from the joint account that the bills were paid from (after I paid it in to cover the bills/mortgage) and then demand that I pay more in so we didn't default on the mortgage. That happened a lot until I had to suspend the joint account on Jan 2nd after she transferred over £1.2K out the day before the mortgage was due. January was tough!

Told the kids that she didn't have money and that I was withholding money from her. Sent loads (hundreds) of abusive texts, especially late at night after she'd had a few drinks and then she'd be as nice as pie as soon as she needs something. Would restrict access to the kids at the last minute. Would change pick up times at the last minute. Would ask me to have them on 'her' weekends at the last minute.

Just anything to demonstrate a bit of control and to make sure that I couldn't really plan anything.

Hiding cryptocurrency, stalling...

My ex hasn't been too bad. Ambicale for the most part. Will go against agreements made with medical care for our children, cancel appointments so the appointments are on their time only, cancel appointments made not tell you, not give you heads up about work schedule (just a nuance because we can make our own schedules where we can be off when one of us is working), signing up child for extracurricular activity been involved in without discussing with me (probably the child), not willing to make accommodations to the schedule, refusing to let me have the children when she is at work & I am off, and making last minute requests for days wanting the children.

Tell everyone you are having an affair (he was, I wasn't)

Refused to pay mortgage on joint property

Emptied joint bank account

Called my family to 'advise them' that they should 'take his side'

...bonus points for refusing to sign the divorce paperwork (that he instigated) unless the standard legal clauses were removed...he didn't like them...

Genuinely turned into another person. A long time ago now but the whole experience was absolutely crackers. My solicitor reported his to the Law Society as they / he behaved appallingly throughout.

Good luck OP. Get the best solicitor you possibly can.