Is this unfair?

[fmldoesiteverstop]

I'm hoping for some impartial views on a divorce settlement offer I'm planning to make.

• Separated for 2 years after a long marriage (17 years).
• Divorce process is completely stalled due to my ex's non-engagement on finances.
• Our two teenage children live with me full-time and currently refuse contact with my ex.
• I am renting, while my ex has remained in the Family Home (FH).

There's a large disparity in our incomes. I am a supposed high earner, whereas my ex is self-employed on passion projects and earns a low income, below the tax threshold. They have higher earning capacity (they "quit" corporate life) but do not wish to pursue it. ( I understand the court looks at potential earning capacity, not current).

The Finances (in proportions):

• The Family Home has significant equity in it, this is our largest asset.
• My ex owns a second property which is rented out. The equity in this is worth about one-third of the equity in the FH.
• I have a pension and some investments. The total value of these combined is slightly less than the equity in the FH.
• My ex has minimal savings or pension.
• I have no savings left due to the costs of renting, running the FH (I still pay the bills), and legal fees.

To try and break the deadlock and avoid court, I am proposing the following:

• I will take on a LARGE new mortgage to buy my ex out of the Family Home.
• They will receive a tax-free lump sum from me that is equivalent to almost all of the equity in the FH. This would be enough for them to buy a family home in our area mortgage-free.
• They would also keep their second rental property entirely.

My ex would walk away with assets totalling approximately 56% of the pot.

I would be left with the remaining 44%, this would include the Family Home with a large new mortgage to service, while being the sole financial provider for our two teens.

Given the long marriage but also the circumstances (I am the sole carer and earner), is this a fair offer? Or am I being overly generous just to bring this painful process to an end?

My alternative is to initiate court proceedings, but the thought of the cost, stress, and time involved is awful. I just want to provide a stable home for the kids and move on.

WWYD?

Start at 50/50. And move back into the FH. You have weakened your position by moving out. ETA, he has stalled discussions because why would he engage when he's living in the FH, you are paying the bills and he's a low earner with nothing to lose?

Why are you avoiding court? He would have to engage and no, him having the majority isn’t fair. 50/50 might be but I’d go to court. That might make him see sense. Cannot see why you moved out when you are resident parent with dc. He could have lived in his rental property. You’ve already had stress and got nowhere - court isn’t that bad!

AFAIK The only thing you have to pay for the FH is the mortgage and insurances. Beyond that if you're not living there why are you paying the upkeep?
Transfer the bills into his name. Life is far too comfortable for him at the minute so a kick up the backside might trigger some action.

Move back into the family home - he can’t stop you. It’s your house and he has it cushy right now.

This, you and dc move back to family home!

Unless ex left his corporate job to do the lions share at home ( children/ household) , so you could focus fully on your career , yes I think you are being too generous.
I agree with pp. Stop paying all the bills for the family home except the mortgage and insurance. You're probably weakening your position because you're showing you can afford to run two homes.
It is bound to be making him less inclined to move forward with the divorce as well. Why would he- he is sitting pretty in the family home as a kept man.
With your suggestion, he'll have a mortgage free home and another property with rental income. Whilst you take on a large mortgage. I'd personally be seeking an equal share in the equity of the family home and for the rental property, pension/ investments to all be considered for division.
You'll be able to build your pension and investments back up if you don't saddle yourself with a huge mortgage.
What was the advice of your solicitor?

Sounds totally unfair towards you.

agree with others, move in or at least stop paying everything.

id be heading to court

i agree it’s very generous. Have you had any legal advice? If not do that.

The other problem you have is that it could take him forever to buy a home. Can you sustain your current position until he does that? Because I guarantee he won’t agree to move out until he has a home to go to. Why don’t you look at a deal that gets you into your own home that you choose faster?

Not sure why you are suggesting he gets more than 50?
his earning capacity is good. Courts don’t base things on what he wants to do because it’s more enjoyable 🙄
dc live with you.

OP I took dreaded the court and didn't think I'd cope with it. I hired a solicitor, told her to get me the best deal possible but I didn't want her constantly checking things with me. I told her just sort out the best deal you can get me and at the end of process tell me what I can have and I'll sign. This avoided me having to deal with exh or divorce altogether. She told me what she had proposed, I signed and court agreed it. I got 60/40 on equity in house. I took on new mortgage and bought him out. We pension shared in my favour. We kept own cars. Exh was told he had to buy out my 50 percent of shares in business or whole business must be sold intact on open market as going concern. He bought me out. After a year I sold family home and used my equity and money from shares to buy new larger home in different areas about 40 miles away.

@RainbowqueeenHe has another house - he rents it out. Usually in such situations all assets and savings are brought to the table and either properties are sold to divide assets or one buys the other out. As he has another property I would have thought the value of that, if he keeps it, can offset the money he has in the family house. Thrn the op gets a mortgage to cover what she has to give to him to balance it out. He has capacity to earn well and will be expected to earn to keep himself. However the op has nothing to lose by going to court as he won’t negotiate. It needs to be forced now. Even 50/50 is better than OP’s proposal which means him being unreasonable and denying his dc the family home has worked to his advantage .

If your ex owns another property why did you move out of the family home? There is no need for you to be renting when you could both separately be living in properties you own.

Don’t avoid the legal route. Get yourself a solicitor now.

Is there some sort of guilt on your part, your decision to break up? as you seem to be rolling over and submitting very easily ?

You’re being walked all over, get a very good solicitor, you’ve also got the DC all the time, which also works in your favour.

Thank you folks for the comments, it is helpful, and I think reassures me that at least I am not being unfair and provided confidence to push it as a reasonable offer via my solicitor. The critical point is that it is "needs based" split of the assets, as my solicitor has explained it....

• Re moving out and rental property etc - the rental property is overseas so not available to move in to as such, we'd been in a stalemate as to WHO should move out for some time leading up the final event (I'd already filed for divorce), my solicitor had also advised against it but in the end the deadlock couldn't persist for the wellbeing of all concerned, it was very toxic for all of us.

• Re paying bills, I have been dialing that down, the challenge has been getting them out of my name and having any meaningful dialogue, along with worries about their wellbeing and mental health. They have recently rented out what were the children's rooms, and since then they have been paying energy/c tax and share of mortgage - it's also a catalyst for me being "done" with trying to accommodate them wanting the children to be there.

• Re asset pot, I'm counting everything, the rental property etc, we have exchanged Form E. Essentially my stock and pension offsets their rental property value and then some, to create a 50/50 split they need a higher % of the equity in the family home... but the real challenge as my solicitor has explained it, is that this is a "needs based" separation. As they have no mortgage capacity, and as technically they may have the children at times(?), they need to be housed and that can only be achieved by ensuring the asset pot is divided in a way they can afford to buy a "suitable" property in the area.... and I suppose that is the sting in the tale of it all.

• Moving back into the family home while they're there... lol... no... not an option.

I know that going gently, making life easy etc, has meant they have had no pressure / motive to progress anything - but I also just needed to find some stability, create new routine for the children, emotionally recover, and have been putting the children front and centre, mostly. We had hoped that they would live 50/50 between the homes, but that has not eventuated, the ex's behaviour has not stabilised and the children are now of an age where they can clearly articulate their desire and vote with their feet - I'd been very weary of parental alienation claims etc, so in hindsight to the children's detriment, overly encouraged contact with ex and 50/50 contact when it was not right to do so (they never actually did do 50/50 and have refused to go there at all for last 18 months) - selfishly, I'd hoped that if things were emotionally calm by not applying pressure and trying to accommodate contact, then more meaningful / reasonable dialogue and mediation would resolve issues without the courts.

Emotionally I am now ready to just get it done and move on.

Please do not avoid court, especially if there’s a family home to sell. You can’t enforce a court order, for example selling the family home, if there’s no order to enforce.

I would be transferring all of the bills in the family home into his name, getting any credit transferred to you and seeing your Solicitor about progressing the Financial agreement as soon as you can.

Having been through it - I think what you propose sounds good.

The key thing is can you live with it and be at peace that you have enough,

My solicitor was very good and said that court etc isn't just about the financial gain/cost, there's an emotional cost to it too.

I decided not to pursue things through court because a timely conclusion was more important to me and better for our children. Maybe I would have got a little more, but maybe not, and I have enough.

Sorry cross posted with you there. I can see that youve exchanged Form E and have tried to get the bills swapped over.

How old are the DC?

And you can enforce things I believe - if you reach agreement and he signs up to the financial consent order and that's signed off by a judge, then you could go back to court if he doesn't act in accordance with what he's signed up to.

Does he have legal advice? As judge is more likely to sign off something where both parties have taken legal advice.

Sorry I read it as avoiding Court altogether rather than avoiding a Court hearing. For some reason I thought the OP was going to do some kind of agreement with him by herself.

Ah I see. No hopefully OP is aware that it's important to get the financial order approved by a judge so there's no comeback on either side in future.

It's not too expensive if you've reached agreement, I just got my solicitor to help us with the financial consent form (D81 or something?) and submit for us online.

It did actually get bounced back as the judge queried whether it was too much in his favour, but my solicitor provided some more info (after I said I didn't wish to try and renegotiate with him, as I knew he wouldn't) and it was then signed off.

For sure - financial consent order through the courts. By avoiding the courts, I meant hoping to agree the consent order rather than litigating.

@fmldoesiteverstop Needs are a snapshot in time. So there’s an income from the family house? Your ex also has the capacity to work for living! They used to didn’t they?! Women with young dc are often expected to work post divorce. I would get a second opinion on whether your ex should also be expected to work as they demonstrated they could. Just didn’t want to. That doesn’t mean they don’t work in future.