Ex husband thinks he's entitled to favours from me?

[Nemo12251]

This may get long winded so I do apologise.

Backstory, I am getting a divorce. Long story short, husband had an affair. We were together 9 years, the affair started whilst I was pregnant. I found out when our little boy was 5 months old.

He moved out to live with his parents 5 minutes away and I have stayed in the family home with our child as I had nowhere else to go. Since the split he has made life incedibly hard. I drafted a parenting plan (filled out a form I found on Google) to bring stability to our childs life and bring in some structure as I was constantly having to chase him regarding when he would see his son and make arrangements. We both agreed what would be in it.

He sees his son every 8 days and has him for 2 days/1 night. This is because he works 4 days on and 4 days off, and the arrnagement was done around this schedule. He has him for the last 2 days that he has off. So the days that he has him changes every week. I work 3 days a week (monday, thursday, and friday) as nursey only had space for him for 3 days.

Our sons nursery is nearish to where I work (around 10 mins away out of my way). My commute to work usually takes around 20 mins without the detour to nursery. So back when we were agreeing on schedules and arrangements, my ex asked if I could do him a favour. We did agree that as the non resident parent he would be incharge of drop offs/pick ups. However, he asked that when it falls that he has our son on a nursery day if I could drop him off/ pick him up from nursery for him. So if he was due to have him monday into tuesday, I would drop our son off at nursery for him the monday morning. He when then pick him up from nursery monday afternoon and have him overnight. Then he would drop him back off to me tuesday evening.

At the time I was happy to do the favour as I didn't want any fall out from saying no as he had been so difficult with so many other things it just wasn't worth the hassle. And doing it didn't put me out too much so I just let it go.

Fast forward to now. We are sorting out financials between us and it is not going well. I would have to start a whole new thread to properly go into how unreasoanble he's being and difficult.

The topic of me doing this favour for him came up, and it wasn't me who brought it up. Seeing as he brought it up I mentioned that I had been doing this favour for him and getting nothing in return. Not even a thank you or any acnowledgement of any kind. He snapped back that I should be doing this favour for him because he paid slightly more towards our household bills when we were a couple (he earned double what I did).

I did see red with this reply as it was one of many digs at me that he had made. I promptly replied that he was not entitled to favours from me. I was within my rights to withdraw said favour at any point, and if he wasn't going to be appreciative of it then I would no longer be doing it. (Due to the way the scedule has fallen this new arrangement woudn't kick in untill around 4 weeks from now so he has got sufficent notice).

He has replied that the arrangement will stay as it is and that he won't be agreeing to my demands.

So now I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

There is no reason why he can't pick his son up/ take him to nursery. He only has him on his days off. He has his own car and car seat. And he only lives 5 mins away from where we live. The drive to nursery is only an 18-20 minute drive with traffic.

He knows I have no choice but to carry on doing him this favour. Our son only goes to nursery on days I work so if he won't come and pick him up I'll have to take him. It just feels wrong that he gets his way and I'm left with no choice in the matter.

Should I just let it go or am I setting a bad president for the future? I don't know what to do/ say to him. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal but it's really wound me up.

Are you sorting this without any legal or other advice being involved?

I don’t think it’s particularly unusual for whoever the child has been with overnight to drop the child into nursery/school in the morning, and then whoever has the child in the evening to pick them up from nursery/school at the end of the day.

are you suggesting that if exes days fall on a day you are working, that your ex comes to your house to pick DC up just to drop them at nursery?

To be honest, I think it would be more stress for you waiting around for him to pick DC up, and hoping he wasn’t going to be late/start playing silly buggers, making you late for work.

Hello, I did get legal advice right at the beginning but I got told to sort things between us if possible.

Go down the legal route.

OK so you've tried that and it's not worked. Now get proper legal representation. Otherwise it's hard not to be walked over.

100% this. He's going to give you the absolute run around

It’s less fuss for your child for you to take him if he’s with you anyway so this wouldn’t be the hill o die on though you’re right that you need to sort things out properly. If you went to court they’d suggest mediation but that will cost you both. I’d want mediation where you don’t directly meet up and the mediator speaks to each of you in turn.
Get a good family law solicitor or you could lose out in the settlement.

I agree with this. It seems like less of a 'favour' and more of a practical, fairly standard arrangement.

I agree it is a normal arrangement for the overnight parent to do the drop off at school or nursery or back to home. I don’t see the great favour here. If I am reading it correctly he does all the other nursery drop offs and pick ups even when the child is with you? If so, that is unusual.

I disagree that you should now call in the lawyers and start the lawyer bills rolling. You aren’t there yet.

The negotiation got heated. There is a lot at stake and emotions are fraught. When this happens you should call time on whatever you are discussing. In management speak you would park it and circle back. Basically leave it until you get a clear head or reach an issue that you can trade this ask off with.

If you and he can work out something that is mutually beneficial and which works for you both and leaves you with a neutral relationship your child wins and you both win.

I think other resentments and justifiable anger clouded your objectivity here. It might be best to start the next round of discussions off with an acknowledgment of that. This isn’t backing down or showing weakness. It is being strong for your child. You can also tell him that you resent the disproportionate burden of parenting that falls to you in order to accommodate his job. But you do it because it is the best thing for your child and their relationship. Then say you would have found it convenient if he did the pick up from yours but accept his decision.

The detour is inconvenient for you. But getting up at a scheduled time on his day off to fit around your job is inconvenient for him.

Without all the heat and anger the statement might fall into listening ears.

For what it’s worth I was advised that my child would find it easier to be dropped off at school by one parent and picked up by another so there was never a sense of having to say goodbye to one and go to another. Several months in, the transitions are MUCH easier for my child if they happen at school ie I drop off & 6 hours later my ex picks up or vice versa. In the holidays we have to do quite a lot of picking up from each other’s homes & it’s terrible. He is always late coming here or not ready when I go there. He criticises me in front of our child & always tries to start an argument. It always ends with our child being upset and dysregulated & confused. For that reason alone I would be tempted to handle the extra travelling to avoid this kind of transition.

I think if child is with you on a Sunday night, you should drop to nursery on a Monday morning. But that dad should pick up from nursery on the monday. That is very standard practice, and makes it far less emotional for child having to do two handovers in one morning.

It also means you and ex don't have to see each other quite so often which is good for the friction that is obviously there.

I don't think you are at a legal point yet, revisit the conversation, give this as an olive branch when really it is all about your child's best interests.