I don’t know what to do

[Beachlovingirl]

I do want to leave my husband. We don’t get on. But I feel incredible guilt at splitting up the family. Some days the guilt is more than others but I’m already worn down by it.
my mum suggested we just put the brakes on for a bit and my husband is manipulative and asks me direct questions and being a people pleaser it is really hard to not just answer honestly even if this is to my detriment - even if I’m giving away something that will be in my favour at divorce.

any advice on this at all? How can I be stronger and protect myself?

I don’t really understand what you are asking.

what would you put the breaks on and what would you be giving away.

In terms of guilt, the evidence from peer reviewed studies, is clear. Function over form is what works in families. If your marriage and relationship are incompatible you have dysfunction and that is bad for everyone. You should not feel guilty about changing that.

If you find his questioning manipulative tell him to stop, you can tell him why. Explain that you no longer want to engage and he needs to respect that. In marriage or out of marriage. This is your right and you can walk way or block him. If he persists when you have told him to stop then he is harassing you.

Can you get counselling for yourself? I don’t think I’d have gotten over my guilt without it. Took me six months of it before I left, and another six months after that to feel like I was strong enough in my own mind to stop the counselling.

There’s no way to avoid getting hurt during a divorce. If someone stabs you, when you pull the knife out it bleeds profusely - but you can’t leave the knife in there forever.

Your post is pretty cryptic so it’s hard to advise you specifically, but perhaps your mum is right - do you instinctively feel you need to slow down? How long is the marriage and are kids involved (what ages)?

Thanks everyone. Sorry my post was cryptic!
yeah there are 3 children involved and though they fully support me with this I can tell they’re sad too. I hear of other mums who’ve been through the divorce and they say oh the kids are fine!

one minute I’m doing fine with it and then the guilt just breaks out!

I think I am going to need counselling. In fact I’m sure it’s the right thing to do. I’ll prioritise finding someone local. It can’t be a bad thing!

I do need to stop engaging but it makes the household atmosphere awful for everyone else.

How old are the kids?

And YES to therapy first. Small, considered steps towards big decisions.