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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

STBX going for primary care

22 replies

Nootnoot1 · 11/08/2025 18:08

Going through divorce and received first letter from his sols full of inaccuracies and lies.

I suggested 50/50 child arrangement as that's that's what I believe is best for the children (2 and 4 years). We live together still. But stbx is fighting for primary care and me having contact! I'm so shocked by this. How is this best for the children?

I work part time, he full. I'm there for my children, I love them and will do anything for them. He's basically accused me of being a shit Mum as I struggle with having both on my own.

But he has family support which he can rely on whereas I don't. He palms them off to his parents most of the time. We don't have any formal arrangement in place but he's always trying to take them to his parents house.

He states I will not be able to cope once we start living separately and that this is his reason for him have primary care. I will do anything for my children.

Can he take my children away from me!? I don't have a solicitor, I can't afford one. I'm in distress from this letter. I don't know how or if I should reply. Thank you for any insight.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 11/08/2025 18:34

Presumably you’ll also need to work full time too now?

he can’t take them away no. If you can’t agree child arrangements you’ll need to attend mediation and go to court where a judge would decide, based on input from cafcass

keep all messages and communicate your desire to agree a shared plan in writing, keeping fact based and non emotional

Original poster

Nootnoot1 · 11/08/2025 20:39

I'm still working part time, trying to keep the same routine for the kids. I'm willing to work full time once we have sorted the finance side of things and moved on.

How will the judge decide? The things on the letters are lies.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 11/08/2025 20:45

Speak to women’s aid or rights of women for advice.

And document everything. Keep a journal listing every time he takes them to his parents, what care you are doing, who is managing things like doctor and dentist, who is purchasing clothes etc.

Anything you submit to the court should have the children front and centre. Talk about what is best for them.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 11/08/2025 20:49

Remember op a solicitor really will wrote whatever crap they are paid to. Exh once instructed a letter to me to remove immediately my new blinds as he could no longer see into my home..
Surprisingly the judge didn't agree with his demands.
You need a solicitor op.

millymollymoomoo · 11/08/2025 21:24

Finances will be decided based on earning potential full time. And being pt won’t particularly impact any cao

you should seek legal advice but as said, you’ll be expected to mediate, and if fails nothing you will lay out your case and carcass will make recommendations to a judge

LemonTT · 11/08/2025 23:32

Forget about what he has said. File it under he would say that and remember this type of aggressive and undermining approach is disliked by judges.

Your reply should be that you want to have the children 50% of the time at least and that you can demonstrate you ability to parent and ensure they are looked after. A simple statement that you will be able to look after them yourself and only need minimal childcare is enough. If you don’t need childcare that is even better. Then ask him how he can show he will be able to look after them himself when he has them.

The fact that he cannot show he will be doing all the parenting and will instead be using childcare is the weak link in his stance.

RandomMess · 12/08/2025 07:10

You are primary care now presumably and can evidence that you provide solo care for them on x days per week whilst he is at work.

This is likely about money tbh he doesn’t want you to receive more of the assets or to have to pay you maintenance.

Ensure that child benefit is in your name and do not agree to share it with him until finances and child arrangements are made.

Make clear reference that it is not acceptable that he uses childcare (paid or otherwise) to look after them DC to prevent you spending time with them as it is not in their best interests. Request that you both have the offer of first refusal that if one of you will not be caring for them DC yourself (including family) that the other parent is offered to have the DC.

millymollymoomoo · 12/08/2025 07:44

Sorry it is perfectly acceptable to use childcare! Many working parents use childcare ( myself included) which does not make you a bad parent

sure, he may not be and he may be a bully and trying to do this for other reasons but op will also have to go back to work ft ( or that should be the expectation) and will likely also need some form of childcare .

Showerflowers · 12/08/2025 07:55

Op do you struggle having both the dc on your own?

Doggymummar · 12/08/2025 07:59

If you own a home together you solicitor will accept this as payment for the divorce. They put a charge on it. Meaning when it is sold they take their fees first and the balance is distributed after according to the judges decision. This is how I afforded legal advice when I divorced.

CauliflowerCheese00 · 12/08/2025 08:13

How can it be worse for two young children to be in childcare than with a parent who openly admits she struggles to care for them both at the same time on her own…?

Original poster

Nootnoot1 · 12/08/2025 09:00

CauliflowerCheese00 · 12/08/2025 08:13

How can it be worse for two young children to be in childcare than with a parent who openly admits she struggles to care for them both at the same time on her own…?

Hey, what I meant was that when I'm with both of the kids on my own, sometimes I invite friends for playdates or see family members. I do struggle with both on my own but find it easier when I'm with friends or family.
I don't have family for childcare though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nootnoot1 · 12/08/2025 09:04

Sometimes I struggle, but they are safe, happy, fed, clean and loved. I struggle with them fighting with each other and being able to divide my attention between them. I do suffer from anxiety and I just want what's best for the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nootnoot1 · 12/08/2025 09:05

I suffer from anxiety, can this be used against me? I'm just shocked at what the solicitor wrote in the letter. Thank you for all the responses so far.

OP posts:

Snorlaxo · 12/08/2025 09:06

He won’t be penalised for using family as childcare and you won’t be penalised for using paid childcare. He has a responsibility to ensure that the kids have a relationship with his side of the family and he can argue that is what he’s doing. You have a financial responsibility to the kids and can argue that childcare helps you achieve that goal.

Try not to worry that he’s playing nasty. Asking for 50% is perfectly reasonable.

RandomMess · 12/08/2025 09:10

Yes it’s perfectly acceptable for any parent to use childcare. It is not acceptable to use any form of childcare to deliberate prevent the other parent having 50% shared care.

SD1978 · 12/08/2025 09:16

Ignore what he thinks he can say he can provide- and have it written in to any custody orders (both of you) that the other parent has first right to refusal regarding childcare…….so he can’t palm then off onto parents for care, because he isn’t allowed to. 50/50 when you’ve been the primary carer may be tough for your kids at that age- how are you planning on having that look? Do you both have equal weekend time? Ignore what he’s saying now, and threatening, the reality is usually very different

JanefromLondon1 · 12/08/2025 09:24

Many moons ago my XH did this. His mother and my stepmonster actually stood up in court against me. The judge saw straight through it.

I went to court offering him every other weekend and once DC started school half the school holidays too. We both worked full time.

Go in saying nothing bad about him other than the only difference between you two is that he has family for childcare, whereas you don’t. It isn’t a reason for him to get sole custody. Make sure you have an option for childcare lined up should you need it when going back to full time work. Say that you are with the children more as you only work part time and know their routines etc whereas he relies on family rather than be present for the time he has them.

My XH even said his mother would do all the childcare so if he had DC they would be with family but the judge based his call on who was there for them more, who gave them stability and I think above all he looked at me not slagging XH off just basing my argument on what was best for DC and saw that my argument was coming from what was best for the DC and not attacking the other parent. He just slagged me off, although I was a great parent. I organised everything, dentist, school etc he did nothing. Went out all of the time, drank, left DC with his parents. I didn’t focus on this though I focused on DC seeing both of us (although him as NR parent) and why it was best for DC.

The judge, if you get to court, will have seen this time and time again and they prefer the parent who is being realistic about what is best for the children. So what if you have had anxiety. If we lost our kids because we suffer from anxiety more than half of us wouldn’t have our kids with us. Anxiety is normal. If you go through life not feeling anxious about anything, especially when it comes to your children, you are either v lucky or not quite right in the head.

BookArt55 · 12/08/2025 13:57

My ex did the same thing, said I should just have every other weekend and he was always primary parent despite me working part time and having all school holidays off work. And I did everything, all schools/nursery pick ups and drop offs except one.
I would say go in and tell your truth. My ex tried to use my family aupport network as a negative and it didn't work. Unless there are safeguarding risks and there is proof it doesn't work. Everyone uses childcare, so again it will have jo standing.
My only suggestion would be that as he is badmouthing you and your ability to do basic parenting, with no safeguarding concerns or evidence... I would say that you are concerned that by dad having more care than you or even 50%, after hearing what he had said, that he may not be able to put his feelings aside and support a positive relationship between you and the kids. He has strong views about you. This is part of what went against my ex.

Secretsquirels · 12/08/2025 14:09

I would reply to say that you are currently the primary parent, and that it would be detrimental to the children to go from being primarily with you to living with dad more than 50% of the time.

Original poster

Nootnoot1 · 12/08/2025 14:26

BookArt55 · 12/08/2025 13:57

Thank you for your suggestion, that's really helpful!

OP posts:

Original poster

Nootnoot1 · 12/08/2025 14:27

Secretsquirels · 12/08/2025 14:09

I would reply to say that you are currently the primary parent, and that it would be detrimental to the children to go from being primarily with you to living with dad more than 50% of the time.

Thank you, you make a good point!

OP posts:

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