How on earth do you navigate your parents going through a very messy separation when you are an adult?
For background - it’s always been a very messy relationship, never a happy childhood home for us kids, they tried their best but struggled dealing with stress in a very low income household. In my view the relationship has always been very toxic, very controlling from both sides in various ways over the years as the family dynamic changed with who was/wasnt working and what stage kids were at etc, but then periods of happiness and seeming genuine care for each other. Lots of anger and hostility towards each other at other times and I always went home anxious as I never knew which atmosphere I was walking into. I was the only child I knew that used to wish their parents would split up and live separately but the reality was that neither could afford it.
They have now split. One has moved out but only after managing to set themselves up well due to inheritance. They have left the other one in a mess financially and just turned their back. Don’t see that they have done anything wrong due to feeling like they have been controlled for years.
One has family (siblings etc) that they can confide in and talk to, the other has nobody other than us kids. They are both absolutely awful about each other.
Neither can see that their own behaviour over the years has contributed to things. They both entirely blame each other. In my opinion and from what I can remember over the years, they have both contributed evenly to the mess but of course, I could be misremembering or not know everything from childhood.
Im getting calls and texts from each one absolutely slating the other. As soon as anything happens they’re both ringing me in a rage about the other.
I’d love to just tell them both to not contact me and get on with their lives, BUT they are fantastic grandparents to my children (and the only ones they have as there are none on DHs side). They dont show any of these behaviours infront of my children and are actually pleasant to be around when the kids are there. They completely shield them from it which they never did for us growing up.
How on earth do you deal with these kind of relationship dynamics when you’re trying your best to raise your kids in a much healthier happier home than you had, but still trying to encourage relationships with family?!