Sudden separation a minefield with young kids

[Mumto21234]

Going through a very sudden separation whilst pregnant and with a toddler. Finding it all so hard to come to terms with, having time alone and having to share my kids and all of my expectations about the future completely gone. Scared at the prospect of never being able to meet someone again and feel as happy/safe as I did with ex.

Any tips/advise welcome!

Also has anyone been able to get a mortgage when on maternity leave, based on their salary only?

Mortgage- get a letter from your employer saying that you have a job to go back to, with the salary on it. It may mean less maternity leave in order to afford everything financially.
Speak to your health visitor or GP and get some therapy, because you are pregnant you will be fast tracked. But you need to have that safe outlet to work through it all, and build skills to help you manage everything. It will really help!
Seek legal advice. Look to see if Legal Aid is an option for you. Remember that baby, especially if breastfed, won't be doing overnights for a while.
Just remember, whatever contact you put in place now is then the precedent. If dad is wanting 50/50, it might mean you need to build up to it as the children are very young. You may also consider more frequent handovers as young kids tend not to like being away from caregivers for long periods of time, so week on/off might not be right for the kids at this age.
Get a parenting plan written up, especially if it doesn't get to court (hopefully it doesn't). Think about now and the future, so christmas, birthdays, etc. Plan in about extracurriculars, school applications, health. But then also think about having a weekend each so you can take them away.
I feel for you, you've just lost the future you had planned in your mind. So so sorry you're going through this.

Are you married op?

Thank you, ill speak to my employer once I know what date ill be returning to organise letter, don't imagine that should be a problem as I would have been going back to work anyway.
Everything just seems so up in the air, and it's really exhausting. Some moments I feel generally OK and accepting of it, other moments I feel absolutely gutted and in disbelief. Have no idea how my life turned out like this.

Yeah we are married, and plan to sell family home most likely within next 6 months.

The unknown is so tricky, especially given your situation of reaching a big milestone of having a baby. You definitely need legal advice, being married gives you more to discuss that if you weren't. The house, financial etc.

I’m so sorry you are going through this op, especially while pregnant.

What a prince of a man your soon-to-be-ex is!
He should feel thoroughly ashamed of himself.

I think BookArt55 has offered brilliant advice.

All I would add is, try not to think too far ahead. You don’t know what the next five or ten years have in store and it’s scary because it’s the unknown. I totally understand that. But just try for now to deal with the here and now, preserve your energy and think about today and a few days ahead. Focus on the practicalities affecting the dc and eating well, sleeping as best as you can manage and getting outside in the fresh air for a walk every day. Really pamper yourself as you are in shock.

I would make getting some support from a therapist a priority. It turns out that the sense of safety your dh gave you was not reliable but you can rely on yourself and come out of this stronger.

Do you have family and friends around you who can help with the toddler? Have you told everyone yet? Don’t protect your dh’s feelings! Just raise the alarm and call in as much help as you can and have your family and friends in your home as much as possible too.

Have you thought about getting a support person for when you move house, when the time comes to give birth and for the first six months? Start working on that now to give you a sense of organisation and safety. In other words, get as much under your control as you can!

Grey rock your dh. Now this has happened, wrap a protective carapace around yourself. Don’t show any vulnerability in front of him if you can help it. The best way to get through this is to show him that you are thriving. Outwardly anyway! And take back some of the control. You don’t need to think about him anymore in how you live your life except over the arrangements with the dc. Start suiting yourself within the context of this nightmare that you are living through. Do what you need to do to get through this in the best way you can.

It’s a very hard thing you are going through op. It will be a very testing period but you will be ok. 💐

Thanks for the advice both of you - I really appreciate it! Wish I could wave a magic wand and see that I come out of the other side of this ok!
I am working with a therapist and have told very close family who are offering what support they can.
You really have no idea what is around the corner, and it feels like my corners just now are nothing but scary! However I don't have much time before this baby comes so trying to be practical and make some sort of plan, including figuring out what sort of house I can afford and what I do in the meantime.

Find it so unbelievable how someone you thought you knew inside out can become a completely different person overnight. If anyone has been through something similar how did you ever learn to trust again?

My advice is don’t do anything until you have reached agreement on financial settlement and divorce.

by all means understand what is possible re mortgage etc ( impacted by nursery fees?) but don’t agree anything or move ahead until the divorce and financials are agreed - that includes selling the family home.

you will have two very young children and providing them a home will be the courts priority. If that means not selling for a few years, or needing to delay ex share etc so be it. You also do t want to be doing this with a newborn,

you’ll also want to agree child arrangements, which may change once baby is here - and that could impact cms - which could impact mortgage etc

dont be forced to his timelines. Your only priority for next year or so is your children, and your recovery both from birth and relationship

see a laywer before you agree anything !