Trial separation, I have to go don't I?

[bitemytongue]

If i stay I think I'm selling out on myself.
Married for 12 years, got dc5&4. Relationship with husband has been difficult for 2 years. Discovered a dating site profile for him which he assured was a moment of madness. My digging corroborated this as it seemed unused but still a huge breach of trust and no intimacy since. Then found out he had secret debts which he was reducing our mortgage payments to deal with - all without my agreement. He suffers with depression and has twice before reduced his medication to the minimum dose resulting in him being increasingly overwhelmed, irritable and having angry verbal outbursts, causing misery to me and our dc and ruining family times. The last time he reduced his medication I told him if he did it again I would leave because it is so unbearable. We've just been on holiday and it's been atrocious. He's been angry, belittling me, snapping at both me and our dc. While there were some nice moments, everyday there were arguments because of his awful attitude and reactive behaviour. I've discovered that he has again reduced his medication without consulting me so I've once again been unable to support him and have been on the receiving end of his angry, toxic behaviour. He didn't come to me and confess this, I had suspicions and confronted him.
Now we are home and I'm saying I want a trial separation. He is pulling out all the stops, promising he won't do it again, being so lovely to me and dc, begging me not to take dc away. I am struggling to stay strong but feel I need to stick to my word and stand by my boundary. Leaving means leaving my home and moving back to my parents house which is hard to do and I am very worried about the effect of all this on dc.

I need to go but I'm struggling and reluctant to pack up. I don't know why I'm being such a coward. Can anyone give me some perspective? Has anyone had a trial separation and how has it gone?

Don’t leave. You can still separate but live together. Would your DC go with you?

Yes there's room for DC at my parents. What is your reason for saying don't leave?

Only because It would be extremely disruptive for the kids. It’s probably better he goes. But if you can stay with your parents with the DC long term until the house is sold, then at least that’s the consistent place for them.

Why doesn't he go?

You gave him an ultimatum. The thing about ultimatums is that you have to stick to them because otherwise it’s meaningless and the cycle will continue.

so yes, it’s game over.

Sorry you’re in this situation. Just to check if your parents live nearby? If they are hours away then your husband could legally get you ordered back (well, get the kids brought back) if moving away reduces his access to them. If your parents aren’t local get legal advice before you go anywhere.

I wouldn’t say you’re being a coward by not wanting to beak up the family . You’re making yourself feel bad because of his actions and lack of honesty and responsibility. He has mental health issues but that doesn’t excuse him or allow him to treat you terribly which it sounds like he has.
Why can’t he leave?

You could go to your parents temporarily and if you love him seek some therapy .

Sounds really tough x

What are the logistics involved? How far away are your parents?

I echo the pp in saying do not leave your home, unless remaining risks your safety.

Stay.

sleep on the sofa/send him to the sofa. Go to your parents for a day or three a week and let him know he’s expected to deliver parenting while you remove yourself from him.

My parents live 10 minutes away. He won't leave, he says he doesn't agree to separation, also he works from home and his office is in the house. We already sleep in separate bedrooms and have done for 2+ years. It started as I was co-sleeping with one dc but then the dating site happened and I just didn't want to go back in to the same bed

I feel like he has done so many things to break my trust that I need to send a message by leaving because he is not listening. I forgive him and we work on things and then he does something else. I feel like while I remain here, what has happened is minimised, I am under control in alot of ways and things carry on as normal whereas if I leave then he has to confront his actions.

I was thinking of leaving for a month and then assessing things. Would this be terribly disruptive to dc?

Are you planning to take the dc with you? Yes it would be disruptive if it was for a month unless I suppose you went to your parents for a ‘holiday.’

It is probably best to start divorce proceedings and split properly but you are obviously not sure. Get some advice from a solicitor about what divorce would mean for you in your position, finances, children etc.

I think you need to take a few days to think this through OP. It sounds awful. The dating profile in itself is enough, but his horrible treatment of you is even worse.
It sounds from the outside that you've stepped into somewhat of a mothering role, and an unhealthy dynamic. You sound like you want to move out for a while in order to scare him into better behaviour. But he's not a child. His behaviour is who he is, and you're not going to change that.
Also, I wouldn't go down that route because it's quite damaging for the children. They need stability and security, and toing and froing in their parents' relationship is not the way to go about it. They need somewhere they feel safe, loved and not treading around the eggshells of a parent's mood.
Sorry that this is happening to you. It's so hard.

Actions speak louder than words.
You're sleeping in separate rooms. He's not prepared to put the effort in to make it work, or look after his own well-being. He doesn't care how miserable it is for you or your children. He's thought about joining a dating site.
There's nothing left there to save - is there?

Take action unilaterally to separate your finances and set up your own accounts. Move to your parents and start the process. Apply for child maintenance.
Divorce takes time - If you see real progress with you DH you can always give it another try, but he won't change just because he promises, or because you want him to. You've already seen a clear view of your future here...the cycle of downwards spiral, then promises, then deceit, then downwards yet again.

As far as the DC - as the saying goes: Better to come from a broken home than to live in one.