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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Post divorce - Disneyland dad

10 replies

Madtulip · 09/08/2025 09:38

Hello. Have posted previously. Two months post terrible three and a half year divorce saga fuelled by him. I kept quiet kept ship steady. He put himself first children I would say bottom of his care list. I struggled financially and still do a bit but will get on feet. Yesterday 16 year old went out on a rare coffee meeting with him. She was hoping he would buy her some clothes. He spent 750 on her and then This morning he’s appeared with tennis racket for youngest. I don’t know what to think. He refused to pay any extra curriculars for them in court but now ..is it common for men to do this once they’re “won” in court or is he genuinely reaching out to them ? I’m sick of paranoia re him. I could do with a manual on post divorce dynamics. Tbh I’m very hurt by kids delighted reactions but am hiding it. I’m wrecked holding it all together last five years and with a bit of cash he’s now ??

OP posts:
PInkyStarfish · 09/08/2025 13:42

Don’t be bitter about the past and hold a grudge.

His current generosity and interest may be born of guilt and he may be wanting to make it up to his children and the only way he feels he can do so is by buying gifts etc.

Or it may be a flash in the pan and short lived.

Whatever it is your children are children and will of course be temporarily enamoured by him but they will always know you were there for them.

Keep your mouth firmly shut and smile when they show you his gifts.

Original poster
Madtulip · 09/08/2025 15:29

Thank you. Exactly what I needed to hear. I’m fed up with the drama desperate to move on.

OP posts:
grumpyoldeyeore · 09/08/2025 17:39

Was a big difference in how my dc saw my contribution at 16 and 21. At 16 they are self absorbed and focus is fitting in with friends, having ‘right’ clothes etc. in a few years they will have the maturity to see things more clearly. My dc show me a lot of gratitude now but at 16 it certainly didn’t feel that way and I often felt taken for granted. Just give it time.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 09/08/2025 17:47

Oh ignore it. Mine gets the kids all the gadgets (ipad/switch/whatever) - TBH I just see it as things that I'm not going to have to buy/be pressured to buy.

My kids are a bit younger, but they know their dad well enough to realise that he'll give them stuff and take them out for food, but if they actually need something then he'll be useless.

Bienbien · 09/08/2025 20:02

I sometimes struggle with this too OP. While I do all the daily grunt work for parenting, the ex shows up with his big day outs and presents. I get annoyed that the man who cheated and lied and broke up the family gets all the glory. I’m just boring old mum who nags about homework and takes them to piano lessons!

WaitingforCoddy · 09/08/2025 20:12

Well I know I would rather be the parent who is able to take seeing them everyday for granted, not the one who just does flashy days out. It must be a lonely life. As others have said, keep your mouth shut and it will all come out in the wash.

LilyLondon · 09/08/2025 20:19

I get the frustration of it, and I’ve once done the mental exercise of imagining myself as the “weekend mum”. I almost immediately realised that it has all the “glory” on a depressingly shallow level, and I could never. He has zero real relationship with them - not there to support them daily, not helping them build their characters, missing out on their lives. The gifts might be appreciated now, but he’s not offering anything deeper so he’s setting himself up to be viewed as a wallet only - soon he’ll be complaining that the kids want nothing to do with him if they’re not basically reimbursed for it. Long term, this is really quite a sad excuse for a parent-child relationship.

BookArt55 · 10/08/2025 08:52

I think we all like presents, even adults, it is exciting. They can't help but be excited. But remember you're the safe One, they know you aren't going anywhere, that you are consistent. They know who to go to when they are in need, the kid's will have a relationship with you into adulthood because they want to.
Grin and bear it. Change it in your mind as the kid's don't miss out and you haven't had to find the money. Saves you a job.
Also, teens and a lot of kids don't understand, they are a tad selfish and self obsessed. But as they get older they will know the truth.
But I completely understand your feelings. When my kids run over excited to see him, I grin and bear it because I was blindsided for years as an adult by him. Of course they are falling for his act.

27TimesAway · 10/08/2025 08:55

BookArt55 · 10/08/2025 08:52

I think we all like presents, even adults, it is exciting. They can't help but be excited. But remember you're the safe One, they know you aren't going anywhere, that you are consistent. They know who to go to when they are in need, the kid's will have a relationship with you into adulthood because they want to.
Grin and bear it. Change it in your mind as the kid's don't miss out and you haven't had to find the money. Saves you a job.
Also, teens and a lot of kids don't understand, they are a tad selfish and self obsessed. But as they get older they will know the truth.
But I completely understand your feelings. When my kids run over excited to see him, I grin and bear it because I was blindsided for years as an adult by him. Of course they are falling for his act.

100% this. When they are adults they will recall who was there for them and will probably have a pretty clear-eyed awareness of what sort of person he is.

Original poster
Madtulip · 11/08/2025 18:57

Thanks to all for replying. Im so broke half the time that I shall try accepting it for them I’ll have to learn how to do the “ oh isn’t that great “ voice properly because it was a tad squeaky over the weekend .. latest one if the offer of a ski trip …but I shall plan to bring my mum away if they go. So I’ll get my head around it. Xxx

OP posts:
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