Help navigating child arrangements

[Noname973]

im looking for some help / perspective as I’m emotionally involved and not necessarily thinking straight.

My ex left a couple of weeks ago, no conversation or discussion and it was a bit left field. He has been struggling for a while and I think the demands of family life are too much for him and he wanted someone who would do all domestic labour, including making his packed lunches for him! We have a 2 year old together.

For the backstory we had a re-occurring and ongoing issue that ex would not pull his weight at home, he would often say how he didn’t know how he could possibly do more. I did at least 80%. He didn’t do nursery drop off as he said he had to be at work.

He has asked over text for 3 nights one week and 4 the next. Very much on his own terms, wants the weekends and to be able to pick up and drop off with me when convenient for him. (I’m self employed but will probably need some form of job for a steady income).

He hasn’t considered holiday provision (nursery hours term time only, or the fact funded nursery only covers 3 days, he just expect me to be available for the other 2. He has not considered what will happen if DC is sick - although assuming he thinks I will step in.

Don’t think he is trying to avoid cms as offered to pay minimum amount of £160 a month.

so as not to drip feed I have two older kids ao not knew to this / need 50% of weekends for family stuff.

How do feel about potentially doing 50/50? I think all you can do is counter offer with what you think would work best for the child and you and then try and find mutual compromise from there. As far as sickness and holiday cover goes, be clear from the outset you are not the back up and then leave it with him. The knowledge you're not the safety net might make his a bit more cautious about what he signs up to.

Agree with above. If he wants 50/50 that includes holidays and sick days. I also wouldn't be allowing him to have every weekend, not fair. The plan should be around your 2 year old, not his work schedule. At that age they say not long periods away from each parent, so think about what works for your little one.

If he wants 50:50 I would give him true 50:50.
YOU - Mon and Tues
Him - Wed and Thurs
Alternate Fri. Sat and Sun

If its on your day it's your business to arrange childcare, drop offs pick ups, sickness and holiday etc.

You refuse to be the default parent or his personal secretary.

You need to work and support your family because his £5.20 a day in child support is going to do fuck all.

@Noname973 Do not offer 50/50. That’s madness in your position. Often the agreement is 5/14. So 5 nights out of 14 with ex. Most do this for good reason as dc get more stability and they aren’t pass the parcel to satisfy a parent.

So this could be Sunday and Monday nights plus one more night. Or Friday to Monday every other weekend plus 2 more nights elsewhere. MN always trots out 50/50 like carving up a cake. Your dc deserves a stable home life and it’s not about parents. It’s about what’s best for dc. Make sure you get child benefit and register dc with your GP.

As you don’t want to keep changing the pattern, think about nursery and school now! You should also start thinking about what school too. Plus dc make friends and you facilitate play dates and parties. Think how this will be done.

Plus is he capable of really doing sll
the care and dc admin? Most men actually prefer work. So offer 5/14. He’s not a 50/50 parent and don’t agree to this.

Thank you so much for the replies. In all honesty I don’t think he’s capable of 50:50. He relied so heavily on me just to survive. Logistically he cannot have his DC on the same schedule and get them to where they need to be. I have said we need a proper conversation not text as there is lots to discuss, so the ball is in his court. I plan to ask him how he will cover sick days and holidays and see what he comes back with. I very much will not be his PA, piece picker upper and that starts with not solving this situation. I will of course try to be reasonable. My energies are firmly where they need to be on me and the kids!

The job hunt has begun, and I really have my fingers crossed for a lovely looking 3 day a week remote job I’ve applied for that will
allow me to continue building / running my own business and being present for my kids!

Perhaps not ask him about "how he plans to cover sick days / holidays" and instead present it to him as you will have to cover sick days / holidays during your allocated time. It's not a choice.

He will have to work it out for himself.