Ex seeing children in family home

[Blackcat7725]

I’m just after some advice. My ex moved out in early May and we were very amicable and he was staying with family and visiting regularly. This changed when he got with someone else in mid June. It’s actually someone he was seeing previously when we had a temp separation. I’ve been very hurt by this and really struggling wishing we are all back together. He has still not bought a house despite me buying him out of the family home, and says he has nowhere to take the children overnight so he comes to the house. Twice he’s rented an Airbnb but otherwise sees them at the house and leaves when they’re in bed. We’ve had a break from this as we both took them on holiday separately, but tonight he’s coming to see them as well as half the weekend. I am feeling really upset again as it’s going to hurt like hell. I always feel the need to tell him how hurt I am and even though I’ve been better the last week, I’m sure I’m going to just get upset again. I do go out when he’s here some of the time but it’s still so hard. I obviously can’t stop him from coming because of the children. I’m also so sad that we have now distanced ourselves rather than being chatty and friendly. He said we should do that and I have been feeling stronger this week and agreed but it will be so strange when he comes round. I’m now back to being so upset about about the split, does anybody have any advice? Will this ever get better?? Thanks

Tell him tough shit, he doesn’t get to enter your home (which it legally is now) and if he wants to have his children over night he better pull his finger out of his backside and find somewhere to live asap.

If he’s staying with family he can take them there!

Going through a split is tough enough but you shouldn’t have to be suffering even more by having him staying in your home.

By you letting him do this your enabling him to not find a place of his own.

You absolutely can stop him from coming into your house, he has zero legal right to enter your property, children or not. Why is it your issue that he hasn’t bothered to rent or buy a place of his own so he can facilitate a place to have his kids when it’s his contact time?

Tell him that it doesn’t work for you anymore to leave your own home, and that he needs to sort himself out. It’s on him if it doesn’t stay amicable, not you.

Nope. It won’t get better until he stops coming to your house and you protect your safe space and have a haven from him.

Essentially he’s controlling you by refusing to be a proper parent and provide his DC with somewhere to sleep when it’s his contact time.

He’s also preventing you from moving on. How can you date/have sex with someone else if he doesn’t do over night care and the DC are always at your house? It’s possible, but difficult and he’s ensuring that it’s difficult for you to move forward with your life as he still believes he has ownership over you and your home, despite you buying him out.

You need to tell him this is the last time he comes to yours. It’s up to him to provide a home environment for the kids to stay at when they’re with him. That home needs to have clothes and wash stuff and toys etc so you don’t need to pack a bag or anything when they’re with him, you literally hand them over and off they go.

If he doesn’t like that/says he can’t afford it or whatever, that’s a HIM problem and not one for you to sort out. The family courts would not support him “having” to do contact at your home, you deserve your peace and privacy.

You think you’re doing what is best for the DC by allowing contact in your home, but actually you’re blurring the boundaries and making it seem like it’s still daddy’s house when it’s not (& I bet you have to clear up after their activities when he leaves as well).

The sooner you stop him coming to your home, the sooner you will have the time and space to heal and move forward.

Tell him straight that there will be no further contact visits based in your home.

It's his responsibility as a parent to provide a suitable setting / activities / arrangements for his contact time.

Stand firm.

Cheeky bastard.

He has still not bought a house despite me buying him out of the family home,

he moved out in early May? So…. Barely 3 months ago.

So he instigated the split… on what grounds?
all was going great until he found a new partner and now you don’t want him at your home.

Fair enough, it’s your home Op. So suggest that until he find somewhere to live, he take them out for the day and drops them back

Message him stating you agree with him you should be less chatting and friendly moving forward he needs to secure a place to take the children because it's uncomfortable for them to see their parents being less friendly and confusing for them in there own home

I obviously can’t stop him from coming because of the children.
Yes you can and you should. It's your house now. It's not your job to facilitate his contact.

Of course you can stop him. I once had a job as a nanny for a woman whose husband left her for another woman but insisted on seeing the children at ‘their’ family home. It was ludicrous. Him just swanning in twice a week policing the situation. Wandering around telling her she was nearly out of eggs. Suggesting to the children that it would be nice to have a bed time story in mummy’s bed.

As an outsider (she only hired a nanny because her husband left) I was agog at the whole situation. And I definitely do not think,that it was better for the children.

Not only was it confusing but it was tense. Even if she wasn’t there because he wasn’t doing it to see the kids. He was doing it to have his cake and eat it.

I agree with other posters… don’t let him do visits in your house, it’s no longer his home!
It’s his issue to sort adequate accommodation for himself that allows his kids to spend time there.
You’ll never move on when he’s swanning back and forth. He’s having his cake and eating it.
I’d keep communication strictly about the children, in as friendly a way as you can tolerate.

Yes I meant he hasn’t started looking to buy or rent

Yea he instigated it. We were struggling to get on. I would have stuck it out longer and tried counselling

No.
Confusion for kids who go to bed thinking he still lives there.
If they cannot stay overnight with him yet then days out

That is yours and the kid's hone and safe space. He doesn't get to enter, he doesn't get to make that decision and he definitely doesn't get to confuse the kids by putting them to bed and not being there when thru wake up. Let him do this weekend if you must, bit then, I'm writing, explain that she set up doesn't work for you and the kids so he needs to take the kids out for the day between x and y times. Stand firm. You've got this.