Seeking some advice on a situation regarding an extracurricular activity

[ILikePizza2025]

Hi, this may sound strange, but I have an unusual relationship with my ex. I find that less communication tends to be a better option lately. When I inform my ex about a medical appointment I’ve made for our children on a specific day, she often changes the appointment to a day she has the children, without notifying me, or will tell me at the last minute (the night before).

Long story short, I thought it was odd that my ex signed our child up for an extracurricular event on a day I was supposed to have them. I had a strong feeling that my ex would schedule it on a day when she has the kids. I truly believe her intention was driven by spite; she didn’t want me to continue taking our child to that activity. Recently, my ex has expressed a desire to be more present in our children's lives, yet I still feel there is an ulterior motive behind her actions. As I said if divorce makes my ex more present in my children's lives will look at it as something positive.

I have no problem taking my child to the extracurricular activity or paying for it. However, I want my ex to be involved and to have a relationship with our children. My oldest is starting school soon, and the extracurricular activity ends around 7:00 PM. The other class ended around 6:00 PM, giving my child about two hours to relax and unwind before bed, which is much better than feeling rushed. So, I changed the activity to Wednesday for these two reasons.

Today, I decided to check when the class begins and to pay for it. I noticed, looking at the messages, that my ex signed our child up for Thursday, but the organization mistakenly listed our child for Tuesday instead.

Thursdays are the days my ex has the children.

Any advice on what I should do or say to my ex about this situation?

Ive got lost. Why dont you want her to take the child to the activity?

She signed up for the day she has them. Somehow switched to the day I had them. I want to take my child to the EC activity as it is something my child and I did for a year, and built a bond over it, which is special to us. I am also supportive of my ex being part of my child's life and okay if we rotate out who takes our child to the activity. Feel that it is fair and balanced.

My oldest is starting school soon

I thought your eldest was six? Are you not in the UK?

It is impossible to understand what you are describing happened and why this is an issue for you.

Best if you sign your child up for an activity they want to do (with you) on a day they are with you. Then leave your ex to do what they want on their days.

It's a strange situation. Basically, I've been doing X activity all year with my child. Been to all the classes except 4 or 5 of them. Paid for costumes, fees, photos, and so forth. All the big events at this EC. When we separated, I knew my ex was going to do this. She tried before, but it was too early to sign up. So when I looked, my child was on X day, a day I had them. I changed it to X day. X day had a better time for our child, same class, and at the moment I have my children. I like to rotate that day because I like to rotate the weekend, so that's why I changed it to that day. That way, my ex can take my child, and I can take my child. The child goes early, not late. Yesterday, I was looking to see when we need to pay. I noticed the receipt saying the class the original date selected was X day, my ex has the children.

Now have to explain to X class is on this day, not the day you want, and hope she will go with it.

I don’t understand what you are trying to say in terms of what has happened and why it is a problem and what resolution you are looking for.

Is “X” referring to the day, the activity or your ex?

Are you saying that you changed the day of the activity to Weds ( without consulting Ex) and she then changed it to Thursday ( without consulting you) and also that the provider made a mistake with the day so it’s actually Tuesday??
Your poor child.
You also seem to be saying that the days on which you have your child rotates, or at least that you like it to rotate.
Id suggest you get a court order in place so that there is clarity. And don’t organise activities for the rotating day. That is very high-handed of you. Arrange what you like on your days. Maybe don’t even have a rotating day as it seems to be creating more conflict.
It’s unreasonable for you to be dictating to your Ex what she should do on the days she has your child.

Surely the fun for the child is seeing friends in the class. If you keep changing the day the child wont know anyone.

the class is to benefit the child, not to get one over on the other parent.

Well, the goal was so my ex and I can experience our child in the extracurricular activity, not one of us. Also, gives our child time to relax after the class instead of rushing when we get home.

But the goal should be about the development and the enjoyment of the child.

have you asked the child what they want? Or whether they have friends in the original class?

I have confirmed that it's the same class for all three dates. Also, talked to my child about what extracurricular activities and classes they want. We don't know who is enrolled in the class, so I'm not sure about friends in that regard. However, my ex does not support our child having friends, and recently turned down an opportunity for them to see their friends. Instead, she supported my child staying at home and not going outside. My ex also refuses any help with transportation. Refused help with transportation for our child to camp, where they made friends, causing them to miss going to camp for two days.

This sounds insanely complicated. Either you need to have much better communication between you, or simply stick to arranging activities on your days and keeping it separate. But if you can't learn to communicate over your children together, in the end they will suffer.

I should also mention that I communicate with my ex, she does not. Should also mention that when I was married, my ex was against going to the park or children going outside. I was the big push for extracurricular activities, park, meeting children, friends, and school.

Ex did push dance once for a few months that fizzled out. I took over for everything after that for my children.

I mean, even though I have a special bond with dance and my child, I won't fight my ex over it. Oldest and I sing and dance together. Discuss dance class and routines. Got her dress did her hair. Brought her to dance camp and paid for dance camp. Also, been to every class and every recital. Paid for photos. Paid extra fees. Paid costume fees.

youve both lost sight of the child in your battle to be the best and most right. I don’t really understand though, you wanted ex to go to the hobby with dc. But she’s booked the hobby and there was an admin error so now it’s actually on your day? And you want to keep it? And also actually you never really wanted her to do it at all because you built up a bond with dc doing this activity for a year?

Yes, I meant you as a pair, not just you. It sounds as though she has some problems. If it's not something you think can change, I would stick to arranging activities for your days and not get into what she does on her days.

Basically, my ex hates me, and I may never understand why. Her goal seems to be to try to destroy the bond I have with my children, but that won't work.

Here's the situation: In May, without discussing it with me, she signed my child up for an extracurricular activity. Out of spite, she did this; her spite caused her to choose the class from the year prior, which was several towns over and not in the correct location.

I anticipated this would happen again, so I planned to talk to her at the end of July.

I’ve learned that my ex tends to reschedule all appointments to suit her own timeline, so I can't share any plans with her since she often changes them. So I changed the class to a Wednesday without telling my ex at the moment. Plan to tell her once I have the children again.

To make a long story even shorter, my ex signed my child up for the class on a day when she had the kids. According to the new schedule, that will continue to be her day with them unless we switch to a week-on-week-off arrangement. There was a clerical error at the studio, and my child was signed up for a class on a day I was supposed to have them.

Before all this happened, I intended to discuss with my ex the possibility of scheduling the class in the middle of the week. This way, we could take turns taking our child to the class. Even though I was worried that my ex might not bring our child because she has a history of not bringing our child to extracurricular events. Additionally, scheduling it for an earlier time would allow our child to come home, wash up, finish dinner, and not feel rushed. Ultimately, I believe this arrangement would be in the best interest of our child because she has a history of not attending extracurricular events. Additionally, scheduling it for an earlier time would allow our child to come home, wash up, finish dinner, and not feel rushed. Ultimately, I believe this arrangement would be in the best interest of our child.

You are too focussed on things that aren’t your concern. Take your child to whatever you want to on the days that you have your child.

Don’t concern yourself about what your ex is doing.

I know things can't be controlled. My ex also doesn't want my children to have friends. My ex doesn't want the children to go outside. Think psychologically, but it is against the children going to the playground when they are younger.

Thinking of having my children Tuesday and Wednesday as my main days not having my ex go at all to the classes or changing it back to Tuesday. Can't trust her to follow through and control what I can do my child can go to the activity.

@ILikePizza2025 You need to go to court to get the child arrangements sorted out. What’s going to happen when you disagree over school?

Im sorry but your ex is obviously not stable and clearly has views that are not conducive to looking after the wellbeing of a child. So get a solicitor and get it sorted. Do you have the child benefit and have you registered dc at the GP? You need to step up to protect your child and stop the manipulation by your ex using your child.

Dragged my feet long enough. Filed the forms out heading to the Courthouse when my child has a long day at school and planned with family to watch my youngest pick my oldest up from school. Have to bide my time for next 14 days.

I'd love to hear your ex's side of the story

As far as??? I mean, been very truthful, no lies. Now my ex is a master manipulator. Won't tell what she did during our marriage to me. She did finally start to bathe the children after the third separation and 30th time requesting a divorce. If I recall she took the children once to the playground after the separation.