Single mum of teenage boy

[louisamw]

Hey everyone.
I have a 16yo boy and a 5yo girl.
Have just left the family home with the boy as we split up. Son and stepdad didn’t get along. Stepdad rules were extremely harsh and as a result, resentment built. Stepdad had no feelings for him and vice versa. He’s an emotionally cold person and lacks empathy. My views were not taken into consideration and there was no compromise on how I wanted to bring him up. There were times when it was bullying and my boy was isolated. He even suggested me moving back in when my son had left home.

Anyway, now we’re without a man in the house, my son is enjoying his freedom and seems to think there are no rules. I am planning on a talk about boundaries and how he can support the household but my anxiety is through the roof.
Feel my life is a mess and am questioning my choices and constantly rolling it round in my head.
I have my daughter 50/50
Anyone been in similar boat? Any advice?

Your son will need trauma based therapy, having been bullied by man in his home he will rightly feel angry and unsafe.
Who do you mean when you wrote about supporting the household? That's the parents role.

Well done for getting him out of that.
but the starting might be massive apologies from you to him for getting him in to it in the first place.
own the terrible part you played, then rebuild from there.

I am in a similar but not identical situation, but bit further down the line.

It might be the case that your son needs to re-learn what discipline looks like. F he has only known bulling or threatening behaviour then probably it will take time for him to see that authority can be wielded without brute strength.

It will take a while. It might be that your consequences and punishments will feel less intense an immediate but he will eventually learn. E.g whereas his stepdaughter might have just bullied him into complying, iu might need a consequence like loss of screen time/refusal to fund social activities/give lifts/allow friends over for fixed period. It will take him longer to respond to these consequences but it will get betterover time.

Most teenage boys feel like they are men already and wany to flex independence but it's hard when they suddenly become the only adult male in the house.

Has he also observed you breing mistreated and undermined by his stepdad? If so, that will make it harder. He will have learned unhealthy patterns for dealing with women in general and with you specifically.

A PP suggested therapy and that might be good if he will agree to it. See if you can find a male therapist/counsellor.

Well done for getting him out. There is still time to rebuild and repair. But it will take time.