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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Is there a best time to leave ?

7 replies

hellotoday27 · 05/08/2025 10:54

I have decided I have to leave my husband, but teetering on when and how and haven’t told him yet.
Relationship has been dead for years (no intimacy at all and have no desire at all to rekindle). Don’t hate him but don’t love him, but I avoid spending time with him and he seriously gets on my nerves. He does little around the house.

The dilemma is really to do with the kids. One is just going into year 11 and had quite a turbulent year 10 and hoping to keep things calm for her.

the kids don’t really get on with him so they would definitely stay with me - one is over 18 so would be her choice anyway.
Just moving out isn’t really possible and it would be the case that he would have to leave and I’m fairly sure he would refuse. He can be angry but never tipped over into violence and I don’t think it would. He’s more likely to hurt himself.
Should I wait until after her GCSE’s ? It’s been on the cards for a long time so waiting another year doesn’t seem impossible. I came very close to throwing him out in 2020 but it was lockdown.
there are a couple of other factors which I can’t share otherwise may be Identifiable.
Any advice welcome

OP posts:
Laiste · 05/08/2025 11:00

💐
Ive been there.

Theres always something coming up isn't there? Birthdays, xmas, then, in my case, the day i plucked up courage to do it that evening my dear father passed away suddenly!

My advice is hang on till after exams if you can. But make a firm date to get it done as soon as they are over.

WRT - he won't be violent, be very careful. VERY careful. I too thought it wouldn't come to that and i was wrong.

Have an emergency overnight bag packed and tell a friend just in case things turn nasty 💐

BookArt55 · 05/08/2025 11:14

Yeh I understand you're reasoning. I would wait until gcses are done. However, i would in the meantime be getting everything organised. Emergency bag at a friend's as suggested. Then slowly remove special memory things, copies of everything financial such as mortgage, bank accounts, save a pot of money secretly so you have a little stash for things that may be needed like an initial solicitor meeting. Closer to yhe time I would also meet with a solicitor secretly, some do the first meeting free so you can sort the house/living situation.
Obviously if he is abusive, or violent then leave now. Everyone will be better off despite the initial turmoil.

hellotoday27 · 05/08/2025 11:19

Thank you. I’m fairly sure I can hang on until after her exams. It’s been in the back of my mind for quite a few years but i feel I have just come to a definite conclusion.
I agree with you regarding the violence. It’s one of the reasons I feel nervous. I don’t think he would but he is very depressed and I think hurting himself is very likely. Luckily we are not isolated where we live and anything would be overheard which provides some protection.

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 05/08/2025 11:24

Set yourself a date in your head, maybe just after prom. And then go for it. Don't make any more excuses, you work towards that deadline and get it done.

hellotoday27 · 05/08/2025 11:31

BookArt55 · 05/08/2025 11:24

Set yourself a date in your head, maybe just after prom. And then go for it. Don't make any more excuses, you work towards that deadline and get it done.

I thinking setting a date is a great idea. I’ve come close before, but things settle down and then the next issue arises that means it’s the wrong time.

OP posts:
Sicario · 05/08/2025 11:43

Spend this interim time planning your transition into a new life.

Remember that divorce is always a horrible business so keep yourself healthy, both mentally and physically, and familiarise yourself with the stages of divorce and the processes involved.

Find a good divorce lawyer. Make a few appointments. Ask them any questions you have.

Will you be selling the family home? In which case, start getting it ready to sell. You can call this "decluttering and tidying".

At some point, you might even suggest moving, to sound him out about selling the house (without informing him that you would be splitting).

Work out what your financial position will be. Take advice if you need it.

Think about where you will live after the split. Look at your options.

Think about how you will break it to the children, and how you will tell your DH that you are divorcing him. Imagine what that will look like and what you might say. It really helps to visualise yourself in these scenarios and to almost role-play them in your head.

If you have any concerns about his behaviour, take advice from Women's Aid, and by all means speak to your local police to flag up that you are ending your relationship and are worried about his reaction.

Use this time to prepare yourself. And remember - one step at a time.

Cupofchai22 · 08/08/2025 22:13

@hellotoday27 I have read your post with interest and empathy as I am in a very similar position and will be waiting till my DS has finished GCSEs. In the meantime I'll be having an initial solicitor appointment to see where I stand financially and doing what the others have suggested. You're not alone, I just wanted to let you know.

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