Cohesive control - desperate

[Oneday24]

I split from my husband over 3 years ago, we officially divorced 1 year ago. I would have left so much sooner but I always knew what hell I would face and I wasn’t wrong.

In this time he chose to only see the kids one night a week, I encouraged more but he wasn’t interested. I’ve had to beg for 1/4 of what the csa calculator suggests and he made me jump through hoops for that. I pay everything from clothes, school trips, pocket money, phones.

In this time he has controlled me none stop, my life has been miserable. He was abusive before we split both physically and mentally and it was all reported to the police however I didn’t press charges because I was scared of the repercussions.

I’ve done everything he asked, he lied about his income on the financial order. He promised me he would leave me alone if I agreed to split the house 50/50. I was desperate and agreed but I was an idiot. I now rent whilst he purchased a new home. I have my kids 6 nights and 6.5 days a week. One of whom has SEN.

It was all a lie and he still continues to make my life hell, my eldest who is 13 no longer wants to see him because of how he treats him. I’ve been warned by ex that if I don’t make DS ‘man up’ and change his mind by a certain date then I will face the consequences.

He has been with his new partner for 5 months, they are both selling their homes and buying together even though he knows how this is affecting the kids. His response is ‘they will not ruin my plans or future’

This poor woman has a child herself and has no idea what she is getting involved with and I feel so conflicted over this. If I dared tell her then I would be the ‘crazy ex’.

i can’t explain how he’s treated me the last 3 years, from blackmail to threats. I have to talk on the phone when he demands. He has ruined every evening or break I’ve had. He gaslights me to the point I feel like I’m losing my mind. He makes me feel thick, makes me feel it’s all my fault.

This man was at times physically abusive and I’ve given in to all his demands hoping he would leave me alone but it will never happen. He’s smart and he’s manipulative. I have call recordings, msgs and photos to prove everything he’s done but he’s told me no one will believe me. I can’t put into words the control he has over me. He uses the kids to get to me. I can’t do it anymore, I’m honestly desperate and feel like I’m going insane. My eldest is begging me not to send him. Im so scared of the repercussions all the time.

Please advise me, can I report him for cohesive control? Can he force our 13 year old to go and if he doesn’t will I legally be punished? (No court orders)

is there anything I can do to stop the calls, msgs and threats?

i feel pathetic, I was so proud of myself for leaving but I’m no better off. He always threatens to take custody and I believe it because I’m now a nervous wreck.

he is destroying me, im an anxious wreck that’s cries all the time. I can’t remember the last time I really slept. I’m terrified of him, of repercussions. I just want to protect me and my kids.

OP, you are better off, because you are out of his reach. You can choose not to communicate by phone-use an app or email instead. That way you can choose when to read his communiques. He resents the fact that his grip on you is less than before. I have only just initiated divorce after 2 years separation for similar reasons. If he chooses to go to court, let him. You have the evidence that he is damaging and abusive. Another reason not to communicate by phone is so he can't record you.

I'm not able to advise you, but I do know that there is lots of advice on here. I've seen threads on here.
Do you mean coercive control ? Because that is a crime. Can you block his number and tell him to email you ? Then set up another email account just for dealing with his crap. You've been incredibly brave so far.

I was also told that no one would believe me-well the police believed me, based on what they heard whilst I made 999 calls. My solicitor believed me. My domestic violence support worker believed me. So did my GP. These men are terrorists, and will do whatever it takes to isolate and punish you. But you have not only been brave enough to escape and protect your children. You have won. You have a new life. Now, like all of us who managed to get out, you need supporters to help you keep moving forwards. There will be days when you feel browbeaten and hopeless in the face of his attempts to influence and control you, but get advice from professionals. Start an audit trail. Make sure they know the effect his behaviour has on you and your children. Take back control, you don't have to explain yourself to him any more.

It’s coercive control. You need to immediately start recording any verbal threats, screenshotting every threat that is sent to your phone, call 101 to report to start building up a case, I believe you can submit things online as evidence. This should have been done from the start but you can still start now. You need to get every single thing you can as evidence. You can also choose to block him on everything. He can pay to take you to court for access but no court in the land is going to enforce a 13 year old having contact with him if they don’t want to, they’re old enough to have their say taken into account with court, can’t be forced to and you cannot be punished. How old are your other kids? As far as maintenance goes, immediately start a claim with CMS. You don’t need to have contact with your abuser.
Please take these steps point by point. Many of us, me included, have been through this. You have to work with the systems which will protect you. You may even be able to get a non molestation order for yourself against him. Put pen to paper and start working through everything you can. That is how you will take away his control. Please listen OP, you do not have to be enduring any of this at all.

Report him to the police. Block him from your phone and use a parenting app for any necessary child related contact. Do not force your 13yr old to go, he is clearly scared of his father and for good reason. Also, go to the CMS and get what money you’re entitled to. You made the move leaving him, now you’ve got to stop him continuing to harass you. Please speak to the police as they will have good advice for you on next steps. He sounds like a horrible man.

Is he self employed? If not just go through cms. No ifs no buts just get them to deal with it

don’t force children to go. You say there are no court orders, so he ll have to take you to court if he wants to see them - and at 13 ( will be older by the time it even gets there ) they wont be made to go !

get another phone for yourself and don’t give him the number, then simply turn the other one off and deal with it once a week

do the same with email

report him to the police for harassment

keep every single text/email etc

Op this sounds absolutely terrible for you and your children!

just to echo what the others have said - close all the communication channels that he relies on to do this to you. Get a new phone and number and give that only to people who you trust not to pass it onto him.

new email address to etc.

have you thought about moving away? I know that sounds extreme and it sounds like his control is more like phone calls and threats etc but you could go and see your solicitor and see what court orders can do and honestly you may be as well just going. Do you worry he’d come after you because if so your ex sounds dangerous.

I think you could walk into a police station right now and tell them what you’ve told us and it would start the ball rolling to make it stop. You’ve already got recordings, messages etc of his threats and abuse so you have proof.

Is he self employed? If not then logging a case with CMS will start the process of you getting proper maintenance.

I have no idea about this and you would have to speak with a lawyer but I wonder if the divorce settlement could be revisited given that he achieved your agreement by use of threats.

Thank you so much for all the replies, I did mean coercive control but I couldn’t edit my post.

im going to call 101 today and log it, he has ground me down so much to the point my physical and mental health is affected now.

There is so much to tell that I wouldn’t know where to start.

Since meeting his new gf things have got worse, he seems to be trying turn the table and I don’t know if that’s because he’s worried she will find out who he truly is or if it’s just part of his game.

He sent me a long msg a month ago basically saying he couldn’t ‘coparent with me anymore as I’m so unreasonable’ and that he will be blocking my number and communicating through the kids! This has hit me hard because I have been asking for 2 years if we can communicate via a parenting app. I have never called him, I have never bombarded him or been abusive but somehow this msg made me look and feel like It was me. My only saving grace is that I’ve saved every msg and abusive call to show all I’ve ever done is give in to his demands and be reasonable.

For 3 years he has not wanted to see his kids other than for one night, he has been away multiple times without them. Has paid the bare minimum and now suddenly out of nowhere he wants joint custody. He wants to force our eldest.

Thank you to the poster who mentioned the possibility of looking at whether the financial order can be reviewed. I’m going to look in to this, he lied about his income. Everything I agreed to was because he made me feel like he would leave me alone but it was all lies and I feel such a fool.

I can’t explain what he has done and continues to do to me, I have a constant headache, my eye constantly twitches. I don’t sleep. I panic whenever my phones goes regardless of who it is. I break down all of the time. I feel unheard, to the outside he’s a likeable person but to me he’s a monster.

it sounds to me like he is punishing you for leaving him and I bet he feels entitled after “what you put him through” when you left.

take back the control! You decide what happens in your life now and not him! You could suggest to the police they take your phone so any new threatening messages will be received by the police themselves - I’m not sure they do this but then you can hopefully feel some relief from this tirade of bullying you’ve been subjected to.

Op in the nicest possible way you’re giving him too much control

stop begging him to see the kids
stop answering him
put in cms claim and don’t discuss anything with him
dint make kids go - just tell him to take you to court
dont communicate
he sends you loads of messages / so what? Dont read them/dont engage/ dont respond
go to the police and file a harassment claim

tell your kids that you don’t expect him to communicate through them so they don’t need to get involved

In simple terms - he only has the control you give him.

So start saying no.

No, you will not accept a reduced amount of CMS. Go through them to get it if he is not self employed.

No, you will not force the 13yr old to see him. Face the consequences? He's not going to do anything, he just wants to bully you. The most he may do would be turn up to collect, in which case if he kicks off you call the police. If he takes it to court they'll be old enough that their wishes are taken into consideration.

Block his number and only accept communication for the kids through email or a parenting app. He can't force you to answer his calls so, just say no.

You have to be your own advocate here and find your fire, find your strength, and get angry. Stop letting this bully of a man walk all over you

Print this out and look at it everyday.

Look up the "grey rock" and "broken record" techniques.

He is doing this because he can.

You can stop responding/reacting/caring/engaging with him because you can.

Great advice above.
Call these people
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-help/
Go to your gp and get counselling, it will help you to build boundaries.
Put in a claim to CMS.
Don't send your 13 year old.
Record the phone calls and gather the evidence.
Grey rock method.
I really feel for you and I completely understand why You feel the way you do. Kindly, you give him too much power. You can do this! You are strong and you will build yourself back up, you have been strong enough to get through all this. You can do it!

No idea why u’d want your kids to see him more, and the joys of SEND children is often it’s a lifelong job so you have many years to come, there is no break and you should expect one.
Go back to CSA and only communicate with him if it’s about the children, anything else get a solicitor to deal with.