Teens and mum ?moving

[Cupofchai22]

I'm looking for general opinions here and I'm obviously thinking ahead as I have a legal advice appointment coming up soon. I am thinking of various scenario's (probably too much)

For context, recently posted on another board but seeking specific advice around separation/divorce. Myself and DH together for 15 years. We are now just friends.Ashamed to say we have not been intimate for over 10 years so this gives you an idea. We have 2 DS age 13 and 15.

After several recent incidents caused by DH I am now seeking slowly steps to withdraw from this marriage. My main concern is my boys. I am preempting my two DS will stay with DH and DH will stay in the family home. He is the much bigger earner and ideally I would like the family home to remain. I would then need to buy a smaller, much smaller home with the equity. I am a much lower earner so already worked out with utilities and a smaller mortgage I can manage just about.

What bothers me is that my DS will feel I am abandoning them and this practically breaks my heart. I love them both so much but equally know the scenario we are living in is not ideal and healthier to live apart. I would wait until eldest has started/finished GCSE then of course youngest will be doing his in a few years.

Advice please or opinions...? I noticed on MN some parents separate legally but remain in the family home. Not sure how this would work tbh for us.

At 13 and 15 they will have opinions about which parent they want to live with. It may not go the way you anticipate.

courts will not make children of that age stick to a agreement reached between parents even assuming your DH agrees with it (which he may not).

be careful.

@Octavia64 what do you mean be careful?

She means don’t assume the kids will live with dad

at Their age they get a say - they may choose to live with you, they may choose 50-50

why are you determined that they live with dad?

I mean:

your dh may not want to stay in the family home
your children may refuse to see him or to see you or (possibly worst case) one refuses to see mum and one refuses to see dad
the family home may have to be sold

if you have not spoken to your current H or your kids there are a lot of ways this could go, nearly all of which are likely to involve a lot of change.

I’m not saying don’t do it, not least because you don’t specify the incidents, just don’t assume it will go the way you are thinking.

Thanks both for clarifying. Appreciate a lot of this is assumption but aiming to be prepared for most situations. The incidents over countless years have been low level financial (not now)/emotional/psychological abuse and I've just had enough. However, wrongly or rightly if it means I never got to see my boys or they take their fathers side or it destroys them I will stay and put up till their older.

After a long marriage the court would expect (finances permitting) for you both to be able to house dc, live to a similar standard as you are now, and have equal retirement provision. It sounds you are prioritising the family home over your relationship with dc and financial stability.

You have a stronger financial case while dc are dependent on you so need to separate sooner than later.

You could delay the divorce or settlement or agree to delay the sale 5 years. But it could be him that rents / moves out and waits for his equity. Or you sell and both move.

DC don’t like huge inequality between parents living conditions they won’t think this is fair to you

Whoever dc live with will be whose income is assessed for uni loans if that’s a consideration - if they lived with you they would get full loans but with him the minimum and he’d have to top up. They can’t move just before uni and qualify

Teens don’t generally like going between houses they like their parents to fit round them and live in their rooms / sit on their tech etc

Will he cope with dc pressing his buttons as teens do? Will he be able to emotionally support them? Will they copy his abusive behaviour to you if he’s their role model?It was this which made me end my marriage when I realised dc were being harmed more by exH being around. We were all relieved whenever he went away.

Parenting teens is hard work, isn’t compatible with working long hours as you need to keep tabs what they are up to. I did a lot of driving them around to parties etc as I was rather they were safe. There was all the experimentation with alcohol. Negotiating girlfriends coming round. Nagging to revise / do coursework etc. dealing with hormonal blow ups. My ex was too lazy and selfish to have done the work. It would have been a war zone

Providing a stable calm happy home for teens is more important than providing a large house IMO.

please don’t think the kids living in a bigger house/staying in the family home will create stability and an easier transition for them. It will come with lots of difficulties and potentially damaging emotions for them. Prioritise your relationship with them and getting a home that they can also stay in. Your husband can do the same. Go through the courts, get the family home sold and buy something that is also home for them. At the end of the day, they will value a stable, consistent and positive relationship with both parents over staying in the family home. For all you know, if the relationship has been over for years, they may not consider it a loving family home filled with positive memories - they may be relieved to have a fresh start too. Fight for your relationship with them and continue to be their mum.

Thanks both @grumpyoldeyeore and @Postandghost123 .

@grumpyoldeyeore I am sorry, at least for me that it came across as though I was prioritising the family home over the relationship I have with DC and the financial stability.

So, I am in a stronger position whilst dc depend on me financially? but isn't this their most vulnerable time of their lives to be disrputing it?

In your opinion you would advise against delaying for say 5 years or so? I understand that teens don't like going between homes so I think this is why I wanted to remain in this home.

You're right. I'm not sure how DH will cope with the teens acting up especially considering how he is with them sometimes and I tend to be the one with boundaries with them but easy going and kind.

@Postandghost123 no, having a bigger home or big house does not concern me but providing a calm, stable home for my children does. Equally I know my DC are very loyal to their father and both of us despite DH not being the greatest towards me. I am intending on leaving it till the eldest has finished gcses before anything gets said to them but myself and DH need to start talking and coming up with a plan.